Discussing safe sex and birth control with a male AP...

[Anonymous]

OP, I would have advised you to talk to your AP as well -- it sounds like a good conversation. Depending on where your AP and his GF are from, they may not know about the availability and cost of various BC options.

God knows there are about 8 million varieties of condoms at CVS (and kids are going to see them there, BTW, for the prudes in the audience, they're no longer kept behind the counter in secret...but I digress). Planned Parenthood is probably the best and cheapest place to go for any other options. I would make sure they know about that if for no other reason than to make sure that they don't get hit with horrifically huge doctor's bills by going to a private healthcare provider.

We learned that the hard way with our first AP, who was 26, and needed to have her Norplant taken out -- the ob/gyn who did it also talked her into getting every STD test under the sun before prescribing her BCP. My AP who had no clue about what health insurance would cover and would not (being from a civilized country with socialized medicine where people don't have to worry about multiple thousands of dollars in bills for routine health care costs). She got socked with a $3000+ bill for all the testing. She didn't know she had a choice -- the doctor made it seem like she must get tested for all STDs to get the pill, with no discussion of costs.

Granted that your AP and his GF are going to have sex -- yes, they are adults but they are *young adults in a foreign country.* I would want my kid's host parents to have the discussion about how to get appropriate health care and birth control options if my 19 year old were in a foreign country and in a relationship -- so I think you've done the right idea being a good and kind *older adult* in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To each her own. But wow. You may get the important lessons here, but they are too nuanced for a 13 year old girl, who just sees another teenager, just 5 years older, have sex with someone else condoned by you right in her own home.

What does the HM of the girlfriend think of her spending all her time with your family and not theirs?

You seem to get an unusual thrill about being the "cool" HM.

I am no religious fanatic, and lived with my husband before we got married for several years, but we didn't do it in front of a 13 year old who is just developing her own sexuality.

OP here. Again, not at all a cool mom. A very strict mom, actually.

I'm fascinated about what people think my 13 year old is being exposed to. Do you think AP and his GF are having screaming loud sex in their room for all of us to hear? Do you think they are leaving their door open for us to see them together on his bed?

In actuality, DD goes to sleep at 9:30, while AP and GF are downstairs hanging out or watching a movie or out with other friends. So she doesn't even see them go into the room together, and once in their room, they certainly make no noise that anyone would question. Neither are they touchy-feely out in public space (maybe because they don't have to be, since they have plenty of privacy in which to be so?). Last weekend in the morning, AP came down and played with DS, while GF slept in. AP was not on duty, but he is very much part of our family, and he was up, so he came down to play. He had breakfast with us. When GF came down, I asked her if she wanted breakfast, and she said no, that she had already eaten. I said, "Oh, were you up earlier?" and she got shy so I realized and said, "Ohh, did he bring you breakfast in bed?" When she said yes, we all did a little "Ohhhh that is so cute!" DD was laughing and teasing right along with me. Again - the focus of this is about how cute and sweet they are as a couple, and not about what they are doing behind closed doors. This, in my mind, is HEALTHY. DD is getting the model of a relationship between people who are 5 and 6 years older than she that is HEALTHY, LOVING, and AFFECTIONATE -- and not all or only about sex. It's EXACTLY the sort of model of a relationship I am completely happy for her to see - and absolutely fine with having in my house. So many teens don't understand that relationships are about DEEP FRIENDSHIPS that also include physical intimacy -- and a lot of the time this is because people are not allowed to have their boyfriends/girlfriends over and are forced to keep the relationships secret, which is why they become only about sex. So again, in THIS circumstance with THIS AP and THIS GF, we have absolutely no problem with them sharing a room. If they were doing anything that caused the sex part to be obvious or in the face of the rest of us, clearly that would be out.

This is my last response to others about my parenting choices. I have incredibly well-adjusted, happy children, and an incredibly well-adjusted and happy au pair, and I'm 100% comfortable with our choices. I should also add that DH and I have one of the best marriages of anyone I know, and that includes us cuddling on the couch in front of our children, and again - this is healthy and gives our children an image of lifelong love and affection. All healthy and well-adjusted.

Anyway, to bring this back to the AP, though, I'm sort of curious what people think is appropriate for an AP in a loving and committed relationship. If the AP's home is your home, and the AP has nowhere else to go, where should he and his GF be together if not in your house? Do you think that a 19 year old who is in a longterm, committed relationship with someone you know and like very much should not be alone with her at all or that a 19 year old should not fall in love at all? Just wondering what the thinking is of those of you who are so horrified about this situation. Because I'm just going to put out there -- if you're not allowing your AP's to have their relationships in the open, it may well be that they are sneaking into your house and having them anyway, behind your back. Because I'm pretty sure that many 19 year olds who are in love but forbidden from sharing their rooms when their HFs are around are doing just this. Me, I'd rather have an adult AP act like a mature adult and be treated like one, rather than forcing him to sneak around behind my back.

Yes I agree with you. Worrying about how your temporary AP is going to get sex is way more important than exposing your 13 year old possibly before she can handle it. He can get sex like we all did. Car, hotel, other places. My mom certainly didn't tell me at 18 to come on in and use the house.

You do realize that 11, 12 and 13 year old's have sex? And some get pregnant? NP here, but I would much prefer that a young teen see a healthy relationship between young adults to compare to the relationships seen in her parents and friends' parents and then look at the relationships that the kids have and decide to wait for something more fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would have advised you to talk to your AP as well -- it sounds like a good conversation. Depending on where your AP and his GF are from, they may not know about the availability and cost of various BC options.

God knows there are about 8 million varieties of condoms at CVS (and kids are going to see them there, BTW, for the prudes in the audience, they're no longer kept behind the counter in secret...but I digress). Planned Parenthood is probably the best and cheapest place to go for any other options. I would make sure they know about that if for no other reason than to make sure that they don't get hit with horrifically huge doctor's bills by going to a private healthcare provider.

We learned that the hard way with our first AP, who was 26, and needed to have her Norplant taken out -- the ob/gyn who did it also talked her into getting every STD test under the sun before prescribing her BCP. My AP who had no clue about what health insurance would cover and would not (being from a civilized country with socialized medicine where people don't have to worry about multiple thousands of dollars in bills for routine health care costs). She got socked with a $3000+ bill for all the testing. She didn't know she had a choice -- the doctor made it seem like she must get tested for all STDs to get the pill, with no discussion of costs.

Granted that your AP and his GF are going to have sex -- yes, they are adults but they are *young adults in a foreign country.* I would want my kid's host parents to have the discussion about how to get appropriate health care and birth control options if my 19 year old were in a foreign country and in a relationship -- so I think you've done the right idea being a good and kind *older adult* in this situation.

OP here - thanks very much. Yes, I told him about PP. He said his GF's body could not adjust to BC pills, so I mentioned the mini-pill (which I took a million years ago before having children - because I too could not take the estrogen-based BC pills) and said that I would be happy to talk to her about it or she could talk to someone at PP if she were interested. He was very appreciative that I raised the topic because he saw it - as you said - as a caring older adult looking out for him and for his GF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would have advised you to talk to your AP as well -- it sounds like a good conversation. Depending on where your AP and his GF are from, they may not know about the availability and cost of various BC options.

God knows there are about 8 million varieties of condoms at CVS (and kids are going to see them there, BTW, for the prudes in the audience, they're no longer kept behind the counter in secret...but I digress). Planned Parenthood is probably the best and cheapest place to go for any other options. I would make sure they know about that if for no other reason than to make sure that they don't get hit with horrifically huge doctor's bills by going to a private healthcare provider.

We learned that the hard way with our first AP, who was 26, and needed to have her Norplant taken out -- the ob/gyn who did it also talked her into getting every STD test under the sun before prescribing her BCP. My AP who had no clue about what health insurance would cover and would not (being from a civilized country with socialized medicine where people don't have to worry about multiple thousands of dollars in bills for routine health care costs). She got socked with a $3000+ bill for all the testing. She didn't know she had a choice -- the doctor made it seem like she must get tested for all STDs to get the pill, with no discussion of costs.

Granted that your AP and his GF are going to have sex -- yes, they are adults but they are *young adults in a foreign country.* I would want my kid's host parents to have the discussion about how to get appropriate health care and birth control options if my 19 year old were in a foreign country and in a relationship -- so I think you've done the right idea being a good and kind *older adult* in this situation.

OP here - thanks very much. Yes, I told him about PP. He said his GF's body could not adjust to BC pills, so I mentioned the mini-pill (which I took a million years ago before having children - because I too could not take the estrogen-based BC pills) and said that I would be happy to talk to her about it or she could talk to someone at PP if she were interested. He was very appreciative that I raised the topic because he saw it - as you said - as a caring older adult looking out for him and for his GF.

Many APs come from cultures in which help and advice are given when someone realizes a need, not when the person who needs the advice or help asks. Kudos, OP.

[Anonymous]

If I'm trusting someone with my children I would hope they are savvy enough to know about contraception at the age of 19. I wouldn't say anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I'm trusting someone with my children I would hope they are savvy enough to know about contraception at the age of 19. I wouldn't say anything.

What a bizarre thought process. My 12 year old daughter is heading off to babysit for the day, but I assure you, when the time comes for her to need contraception, I'm not going to assume that because she has been babysitting, she knows anything about safe sex and birth control!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I'm trusting someone with my children I would hope they are savvy enough to know about contraception at the age of 19. I wouldn't say anything.

What a bizarre thought process. My 12 year old daughter is heading off to babysit for the day, but I assure you, when the time comes for her to need contraception, I'm not going to assume that because she has been babysitting, she knows anything about safe sex and birth control!

She is your daughter. He is not your son.
End of day, you do what you feel is right and what you are comfortable with.
I personally don't feel it's my place to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do realize that 11, 12 and 13 year old's have sex? And some get pregnant? NP here, but I would much prefer that a young teen see a healthy relationship between young adults to compare to the relationships seen in her parents and friends' parents and then look at the relationships that the kids have and decide to wait for something more fulfilling.

One of my host children obviously had enough sex to have a baby right after her 16th birthday. And I can promise you that she would never have seen any of her APs share a bedroom with a friend of the opposite sex. Never.
When I visited years after the end of the year, together with my fiance whom I had been living with for 5+years, he slept in the guest room while I slept on the pull-out couch in her bedroom. Her parents made sure that all of us au pairs set a good example to the kids.

OP - I think it sounds as if you handled it wonderfully and are handling the situation wonderfully! Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

Middle schoolers and high school kids have sex and is more about a lack of supervision than an au pair having a girlfriend stay overnight.

I would worry more about teenagers who walk home from school to empty houses than the ones with childcare (like an au pair!)