Discussing safe sex and birth control with a male AP...

[Anonymous]

Sorry, op seems a bit naive to me, but no doubt she's one of those "cool" moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like you OP. You post interesting and insightful threads.

But yikes. It is not ok for such young a tween/teens to be exposed to young adults sleeping together. Your nine year old probably has no clue what is going on but a 13 year old would.

And I am in the camp that it is not for you to have a sex talk with your AP.

I predict her kids will be having hook-ups before she imagines. Not a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not discus this with any au pair, female or male. These are adults and should know these things already. This is not your place.

This. No fucking way.

[Anonymous]

Wow - you folks are judgmental. I'm OP, and I didn't ask for your feedback on my decision about whether AP and his GF should share a room. I asked about whether I should talk to AP about safe sex. It's amazing how people feel the need to chime in with their views whether it's on topic or not.

I talked to AP this morning, and it went really well. I am really glad I did so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, op seems a bit naive to me, but no doubt she's one of those "cool" moms.

Actually, I'm not. I'm super strict and pretty old fashioned about a lot of things. I just don't think that sharing a bed when you're an adult (18 and 19) and in a committed relationship is a big deal. It only becomes a big deal if adults tell you it's something that has to be hidden away and done only in secret. If it's done in a way that de-escalates the secretiveness, it's actually a whole lot healthier than if people have to sneak off to do it in a car somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - you folks are judgmental. I'm OP, and I didn't ask for your feedback on my decision about whether AP and his GF should share a room. I asked about whether I should talk to AP about safe sex. It's amazing how people feel the need to chime in with their views whether it's on topic or not.

I talked to AP this morning, and it went really well. I am really glad I did so.

Good! What did you say?

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP. I too am pretty conservative about a lot of things. Was raised Roman Catholic (was even in the choir with my mom!).

But I agree that, on a case by case basis, it's not harmful for the tweens/teens to be aware that two mature young adults in a long term committed relationship are sharing a bed. And that treating this maturely and not like a taboo thing is the better approach. The AP and his gf are 18 and 19 years old after all.

Other PPs who think this will lead to the OPs kids "hooking up" at an early age - really? The OP's AP and his long term gf (who the family knows well and loves - not random one night stands parading through the house each weekend) having a sleep over on weekends pales in comparison to what tweens/teens are exposed to on a regular basis these days and what is naive is thinking otherwise.

[Anonymous]

9:51 here just adding that I'm glad your convo went well! Sorry your parenting choices were called into q by the side show. Always annoys me when people give unsolicited opinions whether in real life or online!!

[Anonymous]

To each her own. But wow. You may get the important lessons here, but they are too nuanced for a 13 year old girl, who just sees another teenager, just 5 years older, have sex with someone else condoned by you right in her own home.

What does the HM of the girlfriend think of her spending all her time with your family and not theirs?

You seem to get an unusual thrill about being the "cool" HM.

I am no religious fanatic, and lived with my husband before we got married for several years, but we didn't do it in front of a 13 year old who is just developing her own sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To each her own. But wow. You may get the important lessons here, but they are too nuanced for a 13 year old girl, who just sees another teenager, just 5 years older, have sex with someone else condoned by you right in her own home.

What does the HM of the girlfriend think of her spending all her time with your family and not theirs?

You seem to get an unusual thrill about being the "cool" HM.

I am no religious fanatic, and lived with my husband before we got married for several years, but we didn't do it in front of a 13 year old who is just developing her own sexuality.

I'm sure your teenager realizes that people have sex. Even you, her parents. Why is it bad for her to see people in committed relationships? Also you should be having conversations with your 13 year old about these things, explaining the nuances she may miss. Sex in a committed relationship is not bad, you want a partner who respects you and treats you nicely like AP, but as your mother is prefer if you waited until (marriage, after high school, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To each her own. But wow. You may get the important lessons here, but they are too nuanced for a 13 year old girl, who just sees another teenager, just 5 years older, have sex with someone else condoned by you right in her own home.

What does the HM of the girlfriend think of her spending all her time with your family and not theirs?

You seem to get an unusual thrill about being the "cool" HM.

I am no religious fanatic, and lived with my husband before we got married for several years, but we didn't do it in front of a 13 year old who is just developing her own sexuality.

OP here. Again, not at all a cool mom. A very strict mom, actually.

I'm fascinated about what people think my 13 year old is being exposed to. Do you think AP and his GF are having screaming loud sex in their room for all of us to hear? Do you think they are leaving their door open for us to see them together on his bed?

In actuality, DD goes to sleep at 9:30, while AP and GF are downstairs hanging out or watching a movie or out with other friends. So she doesn't even see them go into the room together, and once in their room, they certainly make no noise that anyone would question. Neither are they touchy-feely out in public space (maybe because they don't have to be, since they have plenty of privacy in which to be so?). Last weekend in the morning, AP came down and played with DS, while GF slept in. AP was not on duty, but he is very much part of our family, and he was up, so he came down to play. He had breakfast with us. When GF came down, I asked her if she wanted breakfast, and she said no, that she had already eaten. I said, "Oh, were you up earlier?" and she got shy so I realized and said, "Ohh, did he bring you breakfast in bed?" When she said yes, we all did a little "Ohhhh that is so cute!" DD was laughing and teasing right along with me. Again - the focus of this is about how cute and sweet they are as a couple, and not about what they are doing behind closed doors. This, in my mind, is HEALTHY. DD is getting the model of a relationship between people who are 5 and 6 years older than she that is HEALTHY, LOVING, and AFFECTIONATE -- and not all or only about sex. It's EXACTLY the sort of model of a relationship I am completely happy for her to see - and absolutely fine with having in my house. So many teens don't understand that relationships are about DEEP FRIENDSHIPS that also include physical intimacy -- and a lot of the time this is because people are not allowed to have their boyfriends/girlfriends over and are forced to keep the relationships secret, which is why they become only about sex. So again, in THIS circumstance with THIS AP and THIS GF, we have absolutely no problem with them sharing a room. If they were doing anything that caused the sex part to be obvious or in the face of the rest of us, clearly that would be out.

This is my last response to others about my parenting choices. I have incredibly well-adjusted, happy children, and an incredibly well-adjusted and happy au pair, and I'm 100% comfortable with our choices. I should also add that DH and I have one of the best marriages of anyone I know, and that includes us cuddling on the couch in front of our children, and again - this is healthy and gives our children an image of lifelong love and affection. All healthy and well-adjusted.

Anyway, to bring this back to the AP, though, I'm sort of curious what people think is appropriate for an AP in a loving and committed relationship. If the AP's home is your home, and the AP has nowhere else to go, where should he and his GF be together if not in your house? Do you think that a 19 year old who is in a longterm, committed relationship with someone you know and like very much should not be alone with her at all or that a 19 year old should not fall in love at all? Just wondering what the thinking is of those of you who are so horrified about this situation. Because I'm just going to put out there -- if you're not allowing your AP's to have their relationships in the open, it may well be that they are sneaking into your house and having them anyway, behind your back. Because I'm pretty sure that many 19 year olds who are in love but forbidden from sharing their rooms when their HFs are around are doing just this. Me, I'd rather have an adult AP act like a mature adult and be treated like one, rather than forcing him to sneak around behind my back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To each her own. But wow. You may get the important lessons here, but they are too nuanced for a 13 year old girl, who just sees another teenager, just 5 years older, have sex with someone else condoned by you right in her own home.

What does the HM of the girlfriend think of her spending all her time with your family and not theirs?

You seem to get an unusual thrill about being the "cool" HM.

I am no religious fanatic, and lived with my husband before we got married for several years, but we didn't do it in front of a 13 year old who is just developing her own sexuality.

I'm sure your teenager realizes that people have sex. Even you, her parents. Why is it bad for her to see people in committed relationships? Also you should be having conversations with your 13 year old about these things, explaining the nuances she may miss. Sex in a committed relationship is not bad, you want a partner who respects you and treats you nicely like AP, but as your mother is prefer if you waited until (marriage, after high school, etc).

OP here, and this is absolutely the case. When DD is old enoughto move to a foreign country and take on adult responsibilities in a job as an AP for a year, she will be, in my view, adult enough to make decisions about whom she shares a bed with, especially if the person is someone we know and like as well and as much as we know AP's GF and if she is as balanced, mature, and responsible as AP himself is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To each her own. But wow. You may get the important lessons here, but they are too nuanced for a 13 year old girl, who just sees another teenager, just 5 years older, have sex with someone else condoned by you right in her own home.

What does the HM of the girlfriend think of her spending all her time with your family and not theirs?

You seem to get an unusual thrill about being the "cool" HM.

I am no religious fanatic, and lived with my husband before we got married for several years, but we didn't do it in front of a 13 year old who is just developing her own sexuality.

You sound like a psycho.

My AP spends the night out quite frequently. She is not required to spend her free time with us, she is a grown up and not my child. She did not travel to America to sit on a couch Saturday nights and watch Making of Murder with me and DH. Such a weird psycho comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To each her own. But wow. You may get the important lessons here, but they are too nuanced for a 13 year old girl, who just sees another teenager, just 5 years older, have sex with someone else condoned by you right in her own home.

What does the HM of the girlfriend think of her spending all her time with your family and not theirs?

You seem to get an unusual thrill about being the "cool" HM.

I am no religious fanatic, and lived with my husband before we got married for several years, but we didn't do it in front of a 13 year old who is just developing her own sexuality.

OP here. Again, not at all a cool mom. A very strict mom, actually.

I'm fascinated about what people think my 13 year old is being exposed to. Do you think AP and his GF are having screaming loud sex in their room for all of us to hear? Do you think they are leaving their door open for us to see them together on his bed?

In actuality, DD goes to sleep at 9:30, while AP and GF are downstairs hanging out or watching a movie or out with other friends. So she doesn't even see them go into the room together, and once in their room, they certainly make no noise that anyone would question. Neither are they touchy-feely out in public space (maybe because they don't have to be, since they have plenty of privacy in which to be so?). Last weekend in the morning, AP came down and played with DS, while GF slept in. AP was not on duty, but he is very much part of our family, and he was up, so he came down to play. He had breakfast with us. When GF came down, I asked her if she wanted breakfast, and she said no, that she had already eaten. I said, "Oh, were you up earlier?" and she got shy so I realized and said, "Ohh, did he bring you breakfast in bed?" When she said yes, we all did a little "Ohhhh that is so cute!" DD was laughing and teasing right along with me. Again - the focus of this is about how cute and sweet they are as a couple, and not about what they are doing behind closed doors. This, in my mind, is HEALTHY. DD is getting the model of a relationship between people who are 5 and 6 years older than she that is HEALTHY, LOVING, and AFFECTIONATE -- and not all or only about sex. It's EXACTLY the sort of model of a relationship I am completely happy for her to see - and absolutely fine with having in my house. So many teens don't understand that relationships are about DEEP FRIENDSHIPS that also include physical intimacy -- and a lot of the time this is because people are not allowed to have their boyfriends/girlfriends over and are forced to keep the relationships secret, which is why they become only about sex. So again, in THIS circumstance with THIS AP and THIS GF, we have absolutely no problem with them sharing a room. If they were doing anything that caused the sex part to be obvious or in the face of the rest of us, clearly that would be out.

This is my last response to others about my parenting choices. I have incredibly well-adjusted, happy children, and an incredibly well-adjusted and happy au pair, and I'm 100% comfortable with our choices. I should also add that DH and I have one of the best marriages of anyone I know, and that includes us cuddling on the couch in front of our children, and again - this is healthy and gives our children an image of lifelong love and affection. All healthy and well-adjusted.

Anyway, to bring this back to the AP, though, I'm sort of curious what people think is appropriate for an AP in a loving and committed relationship. If the AP's home is your home, and the AP has nowhere else to go, where should he and his GF be together if not in your house? Do you think that a 19 year old who is in a longterm, committed relationship with someone you know and like very much should not be alone with her at all or that a 19 year old should not fall in love at all? Just wondering what the thinking is of those of you who are so horrified about this situation. Because I'm just going to put out there -- if you're not allowing your AP's to have their relationships in the open, it may well be that they are sneaking into your house and having them anyway, behind your back. Because I'm pretty sure that many 19 year olds who are in love but forbidden from sharing their rooms when their HFs are around are doing just this. Me, I'd rather have an adult AP act like a mature adult and be treated like one, rather than forcing him to sneak around behind my back.

Yes I agree with you. Worrying about how your temporary AP is going to get sex is way more important than exposing your 13 year old possibly before she can handle it. He can get sex like we all did. Car, hotel, other places. My mom certainly didn't tell me at 18 to come on in and use the house.

[Anonymous]

Yes I agree with you. Worrying about how your temporary AP is going to get sex is way more important than exposing your 13 year old possibly before she can handle it. He can get sex like we all did. Car, hotel, other places. My mom certainly didn't tell me at 18 to come on in and use the house.

Well hey, it sure seems from your thoughtful, helpful dialogue like you were raised in a household that valued honest, mature communication, and look how great you turned out! (i see your sarcasm and raise you by some more sarcasm).

I'm not the OP by the way. The idea that the 13 year old is "being exposed to more than she can handle" given what OP has described here is more than just a little bit much.