Nanny Drama - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

nannydebsays wrote:OP, do you really bring in enough money by working that it's worth feeling frustrated and resentful so much of the time?

I'm sure you (and your DH/SO) have gone over your budget to see just how much you bring in net (after paying nanny, driving, parking, work clothes, eating out, paying taxes, etc.) and to see if you could live without that money. Right?

It would just stink to feel so upset if you don't HAVE to work, as in, can't pay the mortgage without your income.

I maintain a full-time schedule but my children have their father or my grandmother take care of them the rest of the week when I'm not able to. Our lifestyles would be completely different if I didn't have my job so unfortunately, I need to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And then she'll wonder why all the emotional issues the kids have when they are grown up.


Yep, bonding problems, especially in the early foundational years, have significant consequences down the road, FYI.

Oh come on, that's being a little dramatic. My feelings I have are not major enough to cause emotional issues for my children. Many parents have their own set of problems and believe it or not, children aren't that fragile unless something really major happens in their childhood. Again, I think some of you are looking way to into this.

For the record, I admit I need to learn to let the little things go, and I'm working on that. But at the same time, there are things I can't just bottle up because then I'll just resent the person (In this case, the nanny.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a ftm MB and am as laid back as they come so your style is definitely not mine. But having said that, what you want from your nanny is not bizarre, it just seems that you two may be a poor match for one another. I have to imagine that there are people out there who are willing to do exactly what it is that you want (no housecleaning, pick up toys, no foods or toys without permission, etc). Bottom line is that it is your right to run your household how you see fit, so make it happen!

Thank you for the response.

I will be putting my now 3-year-old in preschool by this time next year, and because my children adore her and she adores them I wouldn't want to get someone new who they will need to get accustom to. I only need care for some of my working hours because I have family who can do it, so it would also be harder to look for someone willing to work 15-20 hours at the hours I need them. :/

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny and I don't really think that the OP is being unreasonable. I have a wonderful relationship with my MB and DB and we never have problems. My MB is very anal and particular about certain things but I know how she is so I do things to her liking. I don't bring things into their house without first consulting them (even things like crayons, play-doh, etc.) and I would never bring something used over because I know she wouldn't feel comfortable with her child using things that have been used by someone else. I am sure to clean to mess that I make during the day and I usually leave everything else.

When I first started working my MB had a few small complaints and she let me know right away instead of letting each little thing slide. How is your nanny supposed to correct her behavior if you don't let her know when something bothers you? Make it clear that you want to be the one to make decisions in your child's life, especially first anything. The first time they try foods or an activity, let her know that you want to know about it BEFORE she mentions it to the child.

When you correct her or bring up a behavior be sure to let her know that it isn't personal and that you are just very particular. Let the nanny know that the things that you mention are nonnegotiable. If she is unable to follow your requests then let her go.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you both because its obvious its not a good fit.

That said, attachment and stability counts for a lot in young children. P/t nannies are notoriously hard to find and keep.

You might be better off joining forces with your nanny and sorting things out to minimize your frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a nanny and I don't really think that the OP is being unreasonable. I have a wonderful relationship with my MB and DB and we never have problems. My MB is very anal and particular about certain things but I know how she is so I do things to her liking. I don't bring things into their house without first consulting them (even things like crayons, play-doh, etc.) and I would never bring something used over because I know she wouldn't feel comfortable with her child using things that have been used by someone else. I am sure to clean to mess that I make during the day and I usually leave everything else.

When I first started working my MB had a few small complaints and she let me know right away instead of letting each little thing slide. How is your nanny supposed to correct her behavior if you don't let her know when something bothers you? Make it clear that you want to be the one to make decisions in your child's life, especially first anything. The first time they try foods or an activity, let her know that you want to know about it BEFORE she mentions it to the child.

When you correct her or bring up a behavior be sure to let her know that it isn't personal and that you are just very particular. Let the nanny know that the things that you mention are nonnegotiable. If she is unable to follow your requests then let her go.

Wow. I would hate to work for an MB like yours, or one like the OP. How do you have any sense of ownership or pride or contentment in your job when you don't even have the freedom to brush DC's hair to the left side instead of the right? That may be a slight exaggeration, but IMO if I had to check with my MB every time I wanted to take the kids to Walgreens to pick out a "treat"/$1 toy, I would literally feel like I was her daughter babysitting my sisters or something instead of her employee. And in case you begin to think I am one of "those" nannies who think they always know more than the parents and override anything they say, I am actually quite the opposite. I am a very flexible nanny who defers to my bosses whenever an issue arises, but at the same time, I get satisfaction and joy from doing a job-well-done and loving my DC's as my own, which DOES occasionally include *gasp* giving them a non-pre-approved present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nanny brings crap into my house...in the guise of it being 'for my kids'...not kidding, she does it all.the.time.

I just think she is trying to foist her trash onto me.

Your kid is three...(so are mine, by the way)...when your dd isn't paying attention (napping? sleeping?)...put it in the trash.

No drama, no explanation, no crap that you don't want.

Done!

Funny you say that because when my child was sleeping, I placed it in the attic. (I would have put it in the trash but I don't want my nanny to come across it and have her feelings hurt. Lol.)

Yes, I worry about some of it (especially when it is a Christmas or Birthday gift) being noticed by her...and I do keep some stuff...even though it doesn't work, or is broken, or there aren't pieces with it that make it 'workable'...but my girlfriend just said...it's trash, get it out of your home...and she is right...
So I have been trying to live by that thought...

[Anonymous]

I don't believe that this post is real, but if it is, this is not a problem, OP.

Say no to the bike and own it. If your kid melts down, so be it. You're going to have to say no a lot in this adventure called parenting. Better get used to it.

[Anonymous]

"I also resent working and the time it takes me away from my children and then seeing nanny with my children and I understand it's not her fault."

Exactly what I thought when I read the OP.

OP, you are jealous that this woman has the love and affection of your children. You constantly try to "prove" your status as the mother by asserting your "concern" and "pickyness". Its the other way of loving someone.

But you have to understand that having a woman who your children like and feel comfortable with is more important than your feelings of jealousy and the nanny can never replace you in their affection. Be grateful that she cares enough to bring your child a gift (even a free one) occasionally.

I read so many posts on this site from women who are jealous of their nannies and can't admit it to themselves and so make up silly reasons to fire them or make their lives difficult.

I've been on both sides. I was a nanny as an undergraduate many years ago and now I'm a MB. I worked for 2 families. In the first, the mother was very laid-back, trusting and friendly. I respected her and loved my little charges. I went above and beyond b/c I felt like we had a special connection.

In the second instance, the mother was bitter and jealous. She made my life hell with all of her fault-finding and nit-picking. Finally, I quit. I know those kids were so sweet but had a parade of caregivers in and out of their house for their entire childhoods b/c their mother couldn't reconcile her own jealousy.

Be glad this nanny was cares and let go of the little things - and these are all little things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In the second instance, the mother was bitter and jealous. She made my life hell with all of her fault-finding and nit-picking. Finally, I quit. I know those kids were so sweet but had a parade of caregivers in and out of their house for their entire childhoods b/c their mother couldn't reconcile her own jealousy.

You are too kind. She might not have been jealous. She might have been depressed or an anal-retentive micromanager. Or just a bitch.

[Anonymous]

I do agree that nitpicking a nanny is a sure-fire way to drive them away, I understand OP's desire to be in control of what her children come into contact with. I have a similar issue right now, and the solution is really for me to be a SAHM. I don't want to shelter my children, but I do want to research things before they make major appearances in their lives. I do think that your nanny would know what kind of person you are and that you don't make those kinds of decisions lightly. But, you do know what kind of nanny you have, and it sounds like the arrangement isn't working. It's hard to think about asking your children to build a relationship with a new nanny, and it's unlikely that you'll find someone who will meet your needs.