Toddler acts completely different for parents than with me

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny for an 18-month-old boy. He is typically very good for me, can play some independently, though we do a lot of fun stuff together too. Anyway, his parents have been asking my advice on how to get him to behave better for them. With them, he is very screamy, stomping, and demanding of their attention at all times. They have admitted to giving into him so often and I gently try to say I understand (when asked) but it's sometimes better to let him cry and not always have his way. They want to know if I am doing anything specific to make him behave so well. Honestly, I just do my job and care for him as I know how to do. He really just doesn't act up for me. How can I answer next time they ask about this without sounding like I am passing judgement? I really don't want to tell them how to parent. They are first time parents and seem on edge about it, but I want to make sure I don't cross any lines. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

It's all in your phrasing. So don't say you're too permissive. Instead say I've found that when he screams for attention after I look to make sure he's not hurt or genuinely needing me, I tell him I'll listen when he calms down.

Tell them specifics of what works for you in the moments you know challenge them.

[Anonymous]

Tell them what every parent wants to hear. The reason the kid acts so much better for you is because you aren't their parent and you don't have the same power struggles as parents do. Also, the walking away when the kid is safe and not giving them any reinforcement helps stop meltdowns quick.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty normal for kids to act differently around parents and other caregivers. I think you can give them advice about what you do when the kid melts down and maybe some reassurance that all kids do this, but that's about it.

They need to learn to navigate the parent thing for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely every toddler I know acts differently for parents v. other caregivers. Some of it might be the parenting style, and that can certainly exacerbate it, but some of it is just normal. I agree--don't tell the parents they're too permissive. Tell them what specific strategies you use in specific situations.

[Anonymous]

Do not give them parenting advice. It sounds to me like they are the type of insecure parents who would hold it against you. Instead, tell them the old gym about how kids are always worst for the person they feel safest with. Their kid is a brat for them because he loves them so much.

Well that is likely only about 10% of it, it is true to an extent, and will make them feel better. The reality is that in most cases parents are just not willing to do what needs to be done to maintain discipline. Even if you tell them exactly what you say and do, it is not going to work for them because they are not being consistent and because it is not happening in the context of your relationship with the child (where you have consistent expectations and boundaries).

You can reccommend a book or class you think might be helpful, but getting into a dynamic whete they ask you for advice that then does not work for them is a bad idea .

[Anonymous]

When I was teaching preschool, we heard this all the time. We would tell the parent how little Suzie was the best helper in the class, etc...etc... and they would look at us in amazement.
Just tell them what you do when you are with him and if they start asking more questions, tell them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all! Appreciate the help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was teaching preschool, we heard this all the time. We would tell the parent how little Suzie was the best helper in the class, etc...etc... and they would look at us in amazement.
Just tell them what you do when you are with him and if they start asking more questions, tell them.

My friends with kids in daycare say the same thing--they will ask the staff about tantrums, etc., and the staff will look at them and say, "Johnny never has tantrums here." Kids just act differently for their parents than for others. I agree, just share your specific actions, not your parenting philosophy.