Death in the immediate family
![[Post New]](/nanny-forum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Our nanny of about 2 years has had a death in her immediate family. We have called to give her our condolences and told her not to worry about coming to work this week (obviously). I am a little uncertain how to proceed from here. We would like to attend the funeral - I would assume she would tell us the details, but should we keep calling her for this info? And what do we do about setting a schedule in the future? I don't know how long to wait before even bringing it up or how to handle time off. She has another week paid vacation this year which could cover this week, and then we'd be happy to cover a second week off given the circumstances, but any sense of what is customary here? More than the money, we are scrambling for care as I have zero vacation time left after maternity leave for no. 2 Given that we have a 2 year old and 6 mo baby, it is too challenging for your average babysitter, which has meant backup care is difficult. |
Anonymous
|
I think in this case you should give your nanny a little bit of space. I wouldn't call her anymore than you already have. Maybe you can send her a text or an email. Reiterate how sad you are for her, ask her if there's anything you can do and then ask for the address and information about the funeral. I think that 1-2 weeks off will be enough. She will obviously still be grieving, but I'm sure by that point it will be better for her to get back into a routine and being busy. In your email I would tell her that you want her to take as much time as she needs, and that you will be able to cover up to two weeks PTO for her.
Unfortunately as an MB that hires a nanny you sometimes have to take a hit when it comes to a family emergency like this. It's difficult, but you sound like a reasonable MB who wants to give her nanny plenty of time to recover from her loss. Do you have any family in the area? Even if you had to fly a parent in or something I'm sure that you being able to stay at work for the 1-2 weeks would more than recoup the cost of the plane ticket. |
Anonymous
| When I lost my dad I let my boss know immediately they sent their condolences and mb said that they would like to attend the funeral so I have them the details. Have you told her you'd like to attend and be there for her? She is probably in a daze and not thinking clearly and thinking she should send you the info or she doesn't want to send it and make you uncomfortable. Not sure if you have lost anyone in your immediate family op but it's rough and you barely know your name especially if it's unexpected. Also they may not be having a funeral. My mom didn't want one so we never had one for her until my dad's funeral we did a small joint one for both of them |
Anonymous
| I like the idea of a text just expressing your condolences, letting her know she can have up to two weeks off with pto. I think its a little presumptuous to think you should go to her funeral unless you are very close. Keep it short because she is likely very busy with her family and helping with the arrangements. |
Anonymous
| I have been a nanny for some time, my employers have never offered to go to a funeral but have sent their condolences and flowers or a donation to a charity in honor of the one who passed. With all the tears and stress I wouldn't even want my employer to see me in such a state. A week off should be enough. |
Anonymous
| Thanks for all the perspectives. I am finding this very hard to navigate as I like and respect my nanny personally very much, and have met the deceased many times, but am still an employer and don't want to overstep my role or cause more stress. |
Anonymous
| I don't understand. Unless she is going to a funeral out of town, why 2 weeks off? Nanny here. I would not expect that but it is nice of you. |
Anonymous
OP said death in the immediate family. That to means means parent, sibling, spouse, or child. If I lost my husband, I can't imagine how much time I would need to be ready to work again. She will likely spend this week making arrangements, and the grief could come in a rush once all the guests have left town. 2 weeks is certainly generous on OPs part, and it is in no way strange to expect someone to grieve for more than a week over a close relative. |
Anonymous
+1 Two weeks seems right to me, too, for an immediate family member. Considerate, thoughtful, and generous - but also reasonable. I'd still likely be in shock and the throes of grief at that point but would be far more capable of doing my job than at one week out. There are a lot of things to handle when an immediate family member dies; I'm glad, nanny PP, that you've never had to experience that but trust those of us who have - one week would mean a frazzled, distressed nanny sleepwalking through her days. OP is doing the right thing by her nanny in giving her some extra time to process the loss and handle all the things that come with the death of a family member. |
Anonymous
|
I commented earlier, I am a nanny we all know what immediate family means. I have lost both parents as well as aunts and cousins, all funerals were out of town. My boss told me to take the time I needed but I also kept in mind how overwhelmed they and the children would be if I stayed longer than a week. I know people grieve differently some even go a psychologist because they can't deal.
O.P is there another nanny that can cover for your nanny? |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| Lesson learned: ALWAYS have backup care. |
Anonymous
+1000000000!!!! I will never understand MBs who hire nannies with giving no forethought to backup care causing a sudden need to scramble for care in the case of emergency. Nannies are not machines. You must be prepared for anything. |
Anonymous
Not you again. 
|
Anonymous
| Two weeks? Three days at most. That us the most bereavement leave any professional job every granted me. If she needs more, take vacation. |