Is this unfair?

[Anonymous]

Our nanny gets two weeks of vacation a year. If she wants to take a day off beyond that, she has offered to make up the hours at night, on weekends, etc, and we've always said ok, rather than make her take leave without pay. Recently, we asked her if we could give her an unexpected day off around the 4th holiday and switch those hours for other ones in the future and she said no.

I don't understand why the flexibility only extends one way. I'm not inclined to allow her requests in the future (probably 4-5 a year) if she won't do the same for us. Am I off base?

[Anonymous]

Stop being so flexible. Problem solved. Tell her you are happy to be flexible if she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being so flexible. Problem solved. Tell her you are happy to be flexible if she is.

+1. Normally I don't think the nanny should have to exchange hours when you decide she doesn't need to work but since you've done the reverse for her I think it should go both ways. Since she's not willing to do that for you then you need to tell her you can no longer be flexible for her. If she needs more time off she'll have to take it without pay.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think your nanny is being unfair within your agreement. If she can make up her hours that you can ask for the same. Talk to her and tell her your feelings - I'm sure she will see things differently. I know I would.

[Anonymous]

I would be less inclined to be flexible wi our nanny in the future if inconvenient to you -- unless she was simply unavailable on the make up days you proposed but willing to work with you to find a mutually convenient make up time. Actually, if she just said a flat out no I would call her on it (as I once did with a former au pair). I said: I will honor the schedule I already assigned for the week but I do have to point out that recently you've requested my flexibility for x y z and I've always tried to accommodate your requests. You have no obligation to agree to this late schedule change but the flexibility feels a little me sided. In my case that worked really well. She paused, thought and said "you're right.". She apologized and from that point forward it was much more balanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be less inclined to be flexible wi our nanny in the future if inconvenient to you -- unless she was simply unavailable on the make up days you proposed but willing to work with you to find a mutually convenient make up time. Actually, if she just said a flat out no I would call her on it (as I once did with a former au pair). I said: I will honor the schedule I already assigned for the week but I do have to point out that recently you've requested my flexibility for x y z and I've always tried to accommodate your requests. You have no obligation to agree to this late schedule change but the flexibility feels a little me sided. In my case that worked really well. She paused, thought and said "you're right.". She apologized and from that point forward it was much more balanced.

Great response!

If your nanny gave a blanket no, call her on it the way pp describes. If she couldn't accommodate specific future dates I think that is reasonable but she should work with you to find the days that work for you both.

[Anonymous]

It all depends on her reasoning for saying "No" OP.

Did she decline because she already had made holiday plans? If that is the case, then maybe she already had a plan in place to do something fun w/her friends.

Or did she just decline just to be difficult?
If that is the case, then I say from now on, do not be flexible w/her if she won't be the same w/you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on her reasoning for saying "No" OP.

Did she decline because she already had made holiday plans? If that is the case, then maybe she already had a plan in place to do something fun w/her friends.

Or did she just decline just to be difficult?
If that is the case, then I say from now on, do not be flexible w/her if she won't be the same w/you.

We didn't ask for specific dates for her to make it up, said we could find ones that work, which makes me inclined to believe she is just being difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on her reasoning for saying "No" OP.

Did she decline because she already had made holiday plans? If that is the case, then maybe she already had a plan in place to do something fun w/her friends.

Or did she just decline just to be difficult?
If that is the case, then I say from now on, do not be flexible w/her if she won't be the same w/you.

We didn't ask for specific dates for her to make it up, said we could find ones that work, which makes me inclined to believe she is just being difficult.

Sounds like the typical nanny on here. Take take take and never lift a finger to give (unless they are flipping MB the bird.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on her reasoning for saying "No" OP.

Did she decline because she already had made holiday plans? If that is the case, then maybe she already had a plan in place to do something fun w/her friends.

Or did she just decline just to be difficult?
If that is the case, then I say from now on, do not be flexible w/her if she won't be the same w/you.

We didn't ask for specific dates for her to make it up, said we could find ones that work, which makes me inclined to believe she is just being difficult.

The lack of specificity might have been part of the issue, and she doesn't want to set a precedent for you swapping hours around on her constantly. I offer to make up hours for my employers when I miss a few hours here and there for doctor's appointments or snow. That being said, it would not be okay with me if they began to have a regular expectation of swapping hours. I've said it on here before, I firmly believe that evening and weekend hours are more valuable and not an even swap. Surely you can see that her doing it is not the same as you doing it. You are the one in charge, so there's a power imbalance to such requests, and it's her time we are talking about. She can volunteer it as she pleases, but you can't volunteer it for her.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to stick to the schedule and the next few times she asks to take a day off, you let her know she is out of vacation days and if she chooses to take that day off, it will be unpaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on her reasoning for saying "No" OP.

Did she decline because she already had made holiday plans? If that is the case, then maybe she already had a plan in place to do something fun w/her friends.

Or did she just decline just to be difficult?
If that is the case, then I say from now on, do not be flexible w/her if she won't be the same w/you.

We didn't ask for specific dates for her to make it up, said we could find ones that work, which makes me inclined to believe she is just being difficult.

It sounds like that might be the case, so sit down with your nanny and talk to her about it (rather than just "believing" she's being difficult) - remind her of all the times you've had flexibility for her. Tell her you expected that flexibility would be reciprocated whenever possible and are surprised that she wasn't willing to work with you on this, and ask for her reasoning. That should tell you whether she's worried about hours hanging over her (in which case choose and schedule the make-up hours now) or if she really isn't prepared to work with your needs the way you've worked with hers. Then go from there, but please just talk to her rather than assuming anything...

[Anonymous]

Yes, I agree. Please discuss your question with the nanny.