How to bring up uncomfortable topic
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Anonymous
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I've worked for my NF since August 2013 and until a week ago there were nanny cams in each room of the house. We've gotten along beautifully, but an incident this past week has upset me and I'm not sure how to approach them about it.
My schedule is 12-14 hours per day 5-6 days per week. Last week I took my usual two days off and one additional day due to illness. I worked Thursday, but when I returned to work on Friday morning both parents asked about a small scrape on the toddler's face and pointed out two pencil eraser sized bruises on the top of his ear. I told them I was aware of the scratch the previous afternoon, but it had happened while I was helping the older child with his homework. I cleaned it up and forgot to mention it at the end of the day. I have no idea when the bruises on the ear appeared or even if it was while I was caring for the kids. The Dad brought it up again Friday night and again Saturday morning. Nothing was said on Sunday. I was off on Monday and it has been really bothering me. I'm sure if they are insinuating that I didn't watch DC closely enough or worse, that I did something to him. Either way, it feels like a complete lack of trust and it hurts. Let me also add that NF is from China, so there are some major cultural differences in the way they deal with employees which can be nerve wracking by itself. How would you bring this up with your NF? |
Anonymous
| That seems crazy to me that they asked you so many times. Children get hurt. My 2 yr old charge gets bruises and bumps almost daily. I once had a 1 yr old do a face plant on cement. It looked like I had or someone had punched her in the face. Never once did my bosses even question it. I told them as soon as they got home what happened. Thankfully after about 2 days you could see the scrap marks and make out that it wasn't a punch in the face. Lack of trust is awful. |
Anonymous
| This is why I won't work for someone from a different culture. These issues are hard enough to navigate when you have the same cultural background. No advice on how to approach it other than to be direct and ask why they keep asking about it and point out that kids fall and get bumps and scratches as a normal part of childhood. Then look for a job with people whose communication style mirrors your own. |
Anonymous
| I would let it go for now and hopefully their questions have ended. However, if they mention it again, you could say something like "I would be more comfortable if you would review the nanny cam footage, as I have said numerous times, I had nothing to do with this injury and looking at the cameras could help you get a better idea of what happened" |
Anonymous
| It sounds like they removed the nanny cams and now think she's being neglectful since they are gone |
Anonymous
OP here. I think this may be part of the problem. |
Anonymous
| I think you have to report to the parents everything... |
Anonymous
This. Maybe consider keeping a log so that you can put stuff down throughout the day and are less likely to forget. I bet they took the nanny cams out right before this incident and are now freaking out that you know and are now being abusive. |
Anonymous
I normally report every little scratch or bump, but of course this would be the night I forgot. I was still feeling sick and they were 40 minutes late, so the scratch slipped my mind. The log is definitely the way to go. I guess I'm going to give notice this morning and ask that the nanny cams be reinstalled (the dad can do it in under 15 minutes) and the video recorded. This really makes me sad, but if there is no trust, I can't work for them. |
Anonymous
| Thank you to everyone who replied. I sat down with DB this morning and brought up my concerns. Although I was prepared to give notice if necessary, DB's explanation for the repeated questioning made sense and put me at ease. I did suggest reinstalling the cameras, but he refused saying that they trust me completely. I am definitely going back to using a nanny log as suggested by PP. |
Anonymous
What was the dad's explanation for the repeated questioning? |
Anonymous
| Honestly, I've had this happen with some cultures outside of our own. That the mother asks, but that isn't enough, and the father has to ask, too. It seems like a cultural thing - either that the father always has to ask, even if mother did. If the fathers asks first then usually the mother doesn't ask, as she takes the father's word. But father can't seem to take mother's word for it. So asks. And in our culture, this is intrusive. I've found this year in and year out, with various cultures, and Chinese is one where this happens! |
Anonymous
Odd. I always thought Tiger Mom ruled the roost in Chinese culture. |
Anonymous
When I first came to work for this family, the 7 year old was playing daily with a group of very ill mannered children. They were too rough with the baby and had previously hurt him during play. The 7 year old behaves beautifully now, but the dad was concerned that his old behavior might be resurfacing or that I might have allowed one of his former friends to come play that day. |
Anonymous
Mom rules when dad isn't present. All questions and daily reports are presented to DB in the presence of MB, but she stays mostly silent until he leaves the room. If I need to give or receive information while they are at work, I text DB. The only way I can explain it is that I deal with him first in order to show respect. Their culture is very focused on showing respect and both saving face and allowing those who have made an error to save face. I know to us that sounds odd, but they are very happy living this way. |