one of my kids despises newish nanny

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids, 2 preschoolers & an 18 month old. We got a new nanny at the beginning of the year after our beloved nanny had to move out of state. All 3 kids adored the previous nanny, so I wasn't expecting the transition to the new one to be super smooth, but I didn't think it would still be rough 9 weeks later. My 18 month old seems ok w/ the nanny, and one preschooler is ambivalent, but the other boy pretty much has a meltdown every night when he asks if she is coming in the morning, and then he cries when she shows up. It is very stressful and is making me nuts. He literally is spending every evening whining and crying about not having her come and getting a new nanny. I work from home a lot so have been able to observe a lot of their interactions, and she seems very sweet and nice to the boys. I can't get anything specific out of my son for why he hates her, but I don't think it is really an act, he literally bursts into tears & then will bring it up every 20 minutes or so that he doesn't want her here in the morning. I am at my wits end b/c I don't want to cave to the whims of a 4 yr old when I don't have any concrete reason to switch nannies, but I can't take much more of this. Can a transition really take this long? Oh I should add that he is in preschool 4 half days so he doesn't even spend a ton of time w/ the nanny.

[Anonymous]

So she has been with you for about 2 months?
How long was the previous nanny with your family?
It sounds like she was with him most of his life. That is a very big loss. He is transferring his sadness and frustration on the new nanny.
I was in this situation once before. I replaced a long-time nanny and the kids had a very hard time with it. Ask the nanny to talk about the old nanny with the kids. Have her aid them in writing letters to her. These activities will allow your children to form a positive association with the new nanny while gradually letting go of the old nanny.
It sounds weird but it works! I was with that family for over 5 years and my boys call me every week!
Have new nanny participate in fun activities! Have her get the kids out of the house to make new, fun memories!

[Anonymous]

PP here. Forgot to mention that this is a process and it will my happen overnight. Be patient and have faith!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd stop engaging your son with regard to his constant questions about whether she's coming. Remind him you've already answered the question and the subject is closed since he can't even say why he doesn't like her. He gets your attention when he does this so there's no incentive to stop the meltdowns.

[Anonymous]

Can the old nanny skype him and give him a talk about being kind to her new nanny-friend? Maybe he needed a bit more overlap?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP's this is all about him missing his old nanny and not about him hating the new nanny. He's unwilling to accept her as a replacement because he loved his nanny so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd stop engaging your son with regard to his constant questions about whether she's coming. Remind him you've already answered the question and the subject is closed since he can't even say why he doesn't like her. He gets your attention when he does this so there's no incentive to stop the meltdowns.

You sound kind of heartless. The child is hurting, the person who basically raised him is no longer in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd stop engaging your son with regard to his constant questions about whether she's coming. Remind him you've already answered the question and the subject is closed since he can't even say why he doesn't like her. He gets your attention when he does this so there's no incentive to stop the meltdowns.

You sound kind of heartless. The child is hurting, the person who basically raised him is no longer in his life.

Just because his feelings are real doesn't mean that focusing on those feelings in conversation is going to help. The current system (answer his repetitive questions and engage endlessly on the subject) is driving OP crazy and doesn't appear to be helping her kid. Doing something different is he only answer.

I agree, OP, that you should minimize the conversation about this, perhaps by instituting a calendar when he can readily see who will be caring for him. Also let him know that if he has an idea for something he wants nanny to do/not do/do differently, you are happy to discuss and to help him talk to her about it, but that you are no longer answering questions as to whether she "has to" take care of him. She is his new nanny. Case closed.

As for fixing the problem, have you talked to the nanny about this? How is his behavior for her? Do the two of them ever get time to bond and do something fun together? It's always hard to bond with the oldest, since that kid usually spends less time with a new nanny (school) and is most independent so demands less attention when home. Ask her about their dynamic, see if you could wchedule time for her to have just him for a special project or outing, and I agree that directly addressing the real issue--loss of previous nanny will be more helpful than engaging him on his fake issue--dislike for new nanny.

You could certainly fire her and find someone new, but if the problem is that he wants old nanny back, all that will do is teach your kid that he is the boss of his new nanny (because he can get her fired), put the younger two through a transition which will make it harder for them to bond with the next nanny (because she's probably temporary too), and you will be back to square one soon enough.

If you think there is a genuine personality mismatch it might be worth it, but I would be very careful.

Also, how much time per week are kids spending with you/DH vs. School vs. Nanny? The ratio can make a big difference in givig advice.

[Anonymous]

I started with a family one afternoon a week when I was in school because their previous caregiver couldn't do it any longer. The other caregiver was with their family for several months, possibly a year or more. She was only there 3 days a week picking the older child up from preschool. The child cried every time she was picked up by the previous caregiver. The caregiver was nice, no abuse or anything. The only time the child cried for me was when she thought I was the other caregiver. They just didn't click and for whatever reason the child did not like her. I quickly took over the other day and the other caregiver was let go. Of you decide to find a new nanny, have your children be part of the process. Personally, I would find a new nanny. Your child cannot run your life, but your child also deserves happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd stop engaging your son with regard to his constant questions about whether she's coming. Remind him you've already answered the question and the subject is closed since he can't even say why he doesn't like her. He gets your attention when he does this so there's no incentive to stop the meltdowns.

. Great idea, teach your child that his opinion is worthless, that he cannot actively participate in family decisions that directly effect him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd stop engaging your son with regard to his constant questions about whether she's coming. Remind him you've already answered the question and the subject is closed since he can't even say why he doesn't like her. He gets your attention when he does this so there's no incentive to stop the meltdowns.

You sound kind of heartless. The child is hurting, the person who basically raised him is no longer in his life.

Just because his feelings are real doesn't mean that focusing on those feelings in conversation is going to help. The current system (answer his repetitive questions and engage endlessly on the subject) is driving OP crazy and doesn't appear to be helping her kid. Doing something different is he only answer.

I agree, OP, that you should minimize the conversation about this, perhaps by instituting a calendar when he can readily see who will be caring for him. Also let him know that if he has an idea for something he wants nanny to do/not do/do differently, you are happy to discuss and to help him talk to her about it, but that you are no longer answering questions as to whether she "has to" take care of him. She is his new nanny. Case closed.

As for fixing the problem, have you talked to the nanny about this? How is his behavior for her? Do the two of them ever get time to bond and do something fun together? It's always hard to bond with the oldest, since that kid usually spends less time with a new nanny (school) and is most independent so demands less attention when home. Ask her about their dynamic, see if you could wchedule time for her to have just him for a special project or outing, and I agree that directly addressing the real issue--loss of previous nanny will be more helpful than engaging him on his fake issue--dislike for new nanny.

You could certainly fire her and find someone new, but if the problem is that he wants old nanny back, all that will do is teach your kid that he is the boss of his new nanny (because he can get her fired), put the younger two through a transition which will make it harder for them to bond with the next nanny (because she's probably temporary too), and you will be back to square one soon enough.

If you think there is a genuine personality mismatch it might be worth it, but I would be very careful.

Also, how much time per week are kids spending with you/DH vs. School vs. Nanny? The ratio can make a big difference in givig advice.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd stop engaging your son with regard to his constant questions about whether she's coming. Remind him you've already answered the question and the subject is closed since he can't even say why he doesn't like her. He gets your attention when he does this so there's no incentive to stop the meltdowns.

. Great idea, teach your child that his opinion is worthless, that he cannot actively participate in family decisions that directly effect him.

but he's not actively participating, he's whining about it incessantly. He won't say why he doesn't like her which means he is just being bratty and manipulative. How many times do you have to answer the exact same question before you just say I've already answered that, don't ask again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd stop engaging your son with regard to his constant questions about whether she's coming. Remind him you've already answered the question and the subject is closed since he can't even say why he doesn't like her. He gets your attention when he does this so there's no incentive to stop the meltdowns.

. Great idea, teach your child that his opinion is worthless, that he cannot actively participate in family decisions that directly effect him.

but he's not actively participating, he's whining about it incessantly. He won't say why he doesn't like her which means he is just being bratty and manipulative. How many times do you have to answer the exact same question before you just say I've already answered that, don't ask again?

He's four. Engaging him might teach him how to effectively participate and to identify and articulate his feelings. Shutting him down will not.

OP - I am sympathetic. This is tough from every angle. We've had babysitters who I really trusted but who DC burst into years at the sight of, and I had to stop using them because after a while it wasn't worth it. This is a different situation, of course, but I think validating and exploring your child's feelings are really important. When he gets anxious, can you turn the questions back around? Why are you upset? Why don't you want to see her? Is it because you miss Old Nanny? And then try to listen. It could be that he is just missing his old nanny, in which case there are some good suggestions on how to handle it. It might be that he and new nanny are just a real bad personality fit and you may want to explore other options. His feelings are valid in this, but I think it's not clear what those feelings actually are.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me with a family. The 4 yr old hated me. Would bite me kick me. After 8 weeks I was fired because the child hated me. In the end it all worked out I wasn't happy with the job either. Going to work everyday and knowing your charge hates you is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd stop engaging your son with regard to his constant questions about whether she's coming. Remind him you've already answered the question and the subject is closed since he can't even say why he doesn't like her. He gets your attention when he does this so there's no incentive to stop the meltdowns.

. Great idea, teach your child that his opinion is worthless, that he cannot actively participate in family decisions that directly effect him.

Or teach your child that whining and complaining about a problem, while refusing to discuss the problem when asked, is unproductive. The point of telling him that the is-she-coming conversation is over, no more discussion, isn't to shut him down, but to tell him that he either needs to get over it or be a part of a solution. Right now he is retreadin the same tantrum every day ("I dont want her.") Ending that option will hopefully force him into a real discussion of the problem, which might lead to a real solution ("I don't like how she talks to me," "I want to play X game but she never lets me," "I just really miss Old Nanny")--whatever it is, he needs to be able to talk about it, not throw a fit about a question that has already been answered.