Not sure what I will need - advice please

[Anonymous]

We currently have a very PT nanny for 18 hrs/week (3 - 6 hr days) for our 2 DCs. We hired her just a few months ago with the understanding that her hours would increase in January when I am due with DC3 and increase again in March when I go back to work. I know she fills in other jobs on the days she isn't working for us so I want to give her as much notice as possible for what we will need. The problem is that I just don't know what I'll need. Right now, when she is working I'm not home. Once the baby is born I will be home with the baby. I know if I'm home the children are going to prefer me but i dont think i can handle the needs of all 3 children (3 and under) on my own with a newborn. Oldest DC is in school for 3 hrs a day so I will need help taking him to and from school as well. DC 1 and 2 both nap in the afternoon and I really don't need the nanny here when they are sleeping but DH gets home late (often after dinner) and again, I'm not sure I can handle making dinner and feeding everyone etc on my own.

There was one day recently that I was home when the nanny was here and although I tried to stay out of her way it wasn't the easiest day for her. Basically what I'm saying is I am really going to need help when I have 3 children under 3 but I'm not sure the older 2 are going to let the nanny do much if I'm around and it's not really the baby I need help with. I'm also not going to need her every second of the day and don't want her to feel awkward sitting here with me when the children are sleeping etc.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're going to need *someone* but maybe not this nanny? Whomever you decide to have around to help, now is the time to start preparing your kids. Talk to the about what is going to happen, that when nanny is here she is in charge, even if mommy is there too, etc.

[Anonymous]

We've had two au pairs that worked in the mornings when I was around getting ready for work. I made it very clear to everyone that she was in charge and that if they needed anything, they were to ask her. I didn't step in and correct her or do something just to help. I was very clear with both of them what their duties would be and that they should just act like I wasn't even there.

The one au pair never did get it. She moped about it, I think didn't really understand what she was supposed to do, sat on the couch and waited for my direction for anything. I would come downstairs from getting dressed, and she'd be sitting there with them running around in their PJs, nothing done. The kids were whiny, clingy to me because the au pair was so mopey and not fun. Obviously this didn't work out, and I stopped asking her to work these hours and then didn't ask her to extend even when she wanted to.

The other au pair jumped right in - prepped everything before they even came down, got everyone dressed right away, fed everyone, and then had plenty of time to reward them for getting ready quickly with some fun playtime. The kids had no issue being clingy to me with this one. She was awesome.

I guess what I'm saying is that for one, you need to be totally clear with what you need her to be doing and then reinforce that with your actions. If the kids get clingy and want to be with you, expect her to grab them and take them out to the playground or something. If they want you to take them to the potty, tell them "sorry, nanny is in charge right now" and let her do it. Don't get caught up in trying to be helpful or feeling guilty - let your nanny do her job.

But also, there are going to be some people who no matter how clear you make it, just aren't going to be able to be initiative-taking and confident enough to do the job well when mom is around. It doesn't sound like you're clear on which kind of person you have as a nanny, so you might figure this out on the job unfortunately.

And finally, if you do have the right type of person for this job, I would strongly recommend setting her days and hours now as best you possibly can. Recognize that she'll probably want to find work on the other days/hours and that her time needs to be respected too. Unless you're paying lots extra for maximum flexibility, expecting her to be flexible while you figure out what you want isn't really fair.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the advice. I should clarify though, current nanny is great. The one day I was home she and I were both very consistent about making sure the children were aware that she was in charge. There were some tears when someone wanted me to change a diaper instead but it wasn't the nanny's fault and she handled it really well. I also spent the majority of the time out of their way entirely. I had a lot of this I needed to do in other rooms anyway.

The problem is the situation is different when I am home on maternity leave. I'll be home almost all day everyday tied to a BFing newborn but when I'm not doing something with the baby I'd like to be with my other children too. The problem is that when all 3 children need something at once or the baby needs to eat I will need another set of hands to help. Middle DC is only 18 months old and I don't think she will understand "mommy is feeding the baby so you can't climb in my lap right now."

I know what I really need is more of a mother's helper (who can also drive DC to and from school) but I don't want the nanny to be out of work then, plus my children are used to her and happy with her. I think it would be harder with someone they don't even know.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I also should add the reason I'm trying to figure this out now is because I of course want to be fair to the nanny and give her as much notice about the schedule now. I don't expect her to be able to be flexible with little notice.

[Anonymous]

"but when I'm not doing something with the baby I'd like to be with my other children too. "

This will be too disruptive. Given the dynamic you described where your kids like your nanny but don't flock to her like she's the best thing since sliced bread, for your kids' sake you really need to essentially hand the older ones over to the nanny while she is at your house. your kids will adjust to not seeing you for x hours on y days much better than you coming in and out and changing stuff around all the time.

I say this as someone who tried to do too much of the latter when I had DC2 and it was just not good for DC1. She did much better when I finally realized I just need to pick a routine and stick to it and that entailed her being out of the house for most of the time to avoid wanting to come to mommy when home if i was busy with the baby.

Nanny can take oldest to school at 9 and take #2 along with her (or leave #2 at home for drop off). Then she takes #2 out & about for rest of AM - they do an outing, have a playdate, whatever - they are gone and #2 comes along for pick up of #1. Back home for lunch & naps (so occupied entire time). Unless you're sure you can regularly commit to putting #1 and #2 down for naps - leave this to nanny. Maybe you could fix them lunch so that it's ready when they get back from the school, which would be super helpful and also minimize antsiness by #1 and #2 while nanny fixes lunch.

Once both kids are up they are nanny's again. If they nap for more than 1 hour, then ask nanny to help prep dinner & set table so that you can ideally "handle" dinner on your own by just needing to finish it off. You can't have her clock in and out for naps unless you don't need her at all from like 12:30 - 5/5:30 so that she could at least potentially find an after school job to fill those gap hours.

it will be hard to not spend as much time with your oldest 2 but it really will be better for them to minimize disruption by putting them on a routine and not having you pop in and out randomly whenever you want/can.

[Anonymous]

I'm 9:18 with the au pairs. OP, if you already have a great nanny, I'm not sure I understand what the issue is. Give her a schedule - for those hours, she is in charge of the older two, period. Make it clear to the older two in words and in actions that nanny is in charge for those hours. Have them be out of the house going to school, classes, the playground, playdates, just like they would if you weren't home.

When they are home, don't sit on the couch in their playroom nursing and letting them climb all over you while the nanny sits there. Be upstairs in your room or another quiet space or get out of the house yourself.

If you really want to be with your older kids when you're not tied to the baby, then you're going to have to be even more clear. So say you've nursed the baby and put it down for a nap. You go downstairs and you want to spend time with the older kids - excuse the nanny for an hour for a break. Then after the hour, get her back and disappear again. Just make it very clear to everyone exactly what is going to happen.

But if you're only using her part-time anyway, you're going to get tons of time with all three kids during all the hours you have remaining without her. It would be so much less confusing to have her be in charge of the older kids and you be in charge of the baby, and that's that.

[Anonymous]

I also work PT, and have 3 kids 3 and under. When #3 arrived, we made the nanny full time. That gave us the most flexibility especially without knowing how difficult or easy #3 would be (#1 was super easy, #2 was a colicky nightmare for 4 months, #3 turned out to be an average baby).

If you can afford full time, bite the bullet and go for it. Even though all 3 of mine often nap at the same time, on some days the oldest won't nap, the baby is fussy, etc., and for prepping dinner, having her here is a godsend!

If you can't afford fulltime, I would figure out the maximum number of hours you *can* afford, and then fill out a schedule with the hours you know you'll need coverage first, and then those you'd prefer second, and go from there. I would also have her start on the new schedule before the baby is due so that your kids are used to it. I work from home, and while my kids like seeing me, they'd MUCH rather go do fun things with the nanny than watch me work. It's just their routine now.

[Anonymous]

13:00 here. Our nanny works 9:15-5:15 on non-school days, and starts at 8:30 on pre-school days, though I just hauled everyone with me for drop off (I don't have to walk the 3 year old in) before we added those hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:00 here. Our nanny works 9:15-5:15 on non-school days, and starts at 8:30 on pre-school days, though I just hauled everyone with me for drop off (I don't have to walk the 3 year old in) before we added those hours.

Thanks, this is very helpful! When you aren't working and the children are all napping what does the nanny do? Ours does children's laundry but that doesn't take long and it just seems like it would be awkward for both of us if she's sitting there doing nothing while I'm making dinner etc.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of three kids is exhausting, and some days, just taking care of the two older ones is a lot. She's taking a break, eating her lunch, fooling around on the computer, chatting with me, etc.. Sometimes she'll fold laundry or empty the dishwasher.

Honestly, most days, it works out to about an hour give or take without kids, and once she picks up from lunch and tidies a bit, it's not that much time.

It is worth it to me, though, because it means I can leave during that time if I need to for an appointment or something, and if my oldest decides not to nap, no big deal.

As for it being awkward, you just work out what works for you. This nanny is very friendly and chatty, which was actually hard for me at first (I've learned to just go do something else). Our first one would often go nap in the playroom or read a book, and our second one would put on her earbuds and watch something on her computer.

[Anonymous]

Oh -- my kids nap after lunch. If yours nap a lot later in the day, you might want to think about having her come earlier, and you could do dinner prep in the morning, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to her and asking her?

[Anonymous]

While your older 2 nap, nanny can do everything but feed baby, right? So say your older 2 go to sleep at 1 while you start to feed baby. Then nanny has lunch before taking the baby from you. At that point, you shower, nap, write thank you notes, play candy crush, catch up with a friend...you take a little break, iow.

Then when baby needs to eat again, nanny gets another brief break and then either takes baby again or takes older 2 who have woken up, or does some light chores.

You need to see nanny as a team member, and make it as clear as possible to your older 2 that you and nanny will BOTH take care of them.

And it would be a good idea to plan time each day with each of your older kids while nanny manages the baby and an older child as well. Ideally, you can get a little personal time each day and each older child can get some 1 on 1 time with you each day.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone! You all had really helpful advice and I feel like I have a much better idea of how to make this work now.