Strict nanny

[Anonymous]

We recently hired a new nanny after our old nanny moved to a different city. New nanny is lovely in lots of ways, and wonderful with our younger child (age 2). Older child, 4 1/2, was very close to the old nanny and has had a tough time adjusting. He's in school so only with her for about 90 minutes a day, and it's not a great time for him anyway--he's usually pretty wiped out by the end of the school day when she picks him up, and tends to be wild and cranky. New nanny is much stricter than our former nanny--she does not tolerate bad behavior. While I'm grateful for this, it is really impacting the relationship he's building with the nanny. He is very weepy, upset to see her, and just doesn't seem comfortable with her at all. She's been with us for 2 months.

I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, of course DS should NOT be talking back or otherwise misbehaving with our nanny. We have certainly made that clear to him, in front of her. We have consequences for bad behavior (removing a toy or or a treat or time out, depending on the infraction). She is instituting the same consequences. He just seems to find it very upsetting, much more so than when we discipline him.

Any suggestions? I feel stuck. I can't very well tell our nanny to let our DS walk all over her, but I also feel that they are not building a good relationship together.

[Anonymous]

I assume that school will be out for the winter holidays For a few weeks. Why not have the nanny take that time to do fun activities with your son so that he gets to see that side of her instead of just the disciplinarian? Brainstorm with her for ideas and supply her with the needed cash and items.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're having the problem, OP. She's doing her job. Your boy is fortunate to have a caring person like that.

[Anonymous]

Youd kid is a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume that school will be out for the winter holidays For a few weeks. Why not have the nanny take that time to do fun activities with your son so that he gets to see that side of her instead of just the disciplinarian? Brainstorm with her for ideas and supply her with the needed cash and items.

+1

Your nanny needs some fun, 1:1 time with your older son. Once he's developed a good relationship with her his behavior will improve naturally. Until then the same rules and consequences are in place but try to help your nanny think of ways to reduce meltdowns (for example, giving him a snack in the car to ward off the hunger-crazies).

[Anonymous]

Agree they need 1:1 time to do fun stuff, but it also sounds like she needs to chill and learn to let things go as well. Does he have a nap or rest time when he gets home? If not it sounds like he might need some down time when he gets home. It could be marketed to him in a way that makes it sound special and fun.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it sounds like your kid is just being bratty, and that some fun one on one time may help their relationship. In addition though, perhaps she has a louder/more harsh tone than the old nanny? I am very strict but don't raise my voice. Perhaps her tone just needs to change even if the words and consequences stay the same.

[Anonymous]

That's because many caregivers are strict to the point where they don't pick their battles with the kid. She most likely reprimends him more then she doesn't.

She doesn't love your child the way you do and gets more frustrated and wont tolerate ANY behavior that isn't absoloutely perfect.

Listen to your kid too. If you don't feel this nanny is fair, or nit picks at everything he does, then I'd have a talk with her.

[Anonymous]

I'm a strict nanny but every kid I've ever worked with loves me anyway. It's because even though I'm strict and don't let kids get away with much, I never yell and I also balance it out with plenty of fun and silly things. Like others said, plan some fun things for them to do together over break so he starts top associate her with fun and not just discipline. And then talk to your nanny to find out exactly how she is correcting hos behavior and try to come up with some ideas together to make this transition easier on the BOTH of them. I'm sure this is no fun for your nanny either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's because many caregivers are strict to the point where they don't pick their battles with the kid. She most likely reprimends him more then she doesn't.

She doesn't love your child the way you do and gets more frustrated and wont tolerate ANY behavior that isn't absoloutely perfect.

Listen to your kid too. If you don't feel this nanny is fair, or nit picks at everything he does, then I'd have a talk with her.

Inconsistancy is the path to failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a strict nanny but every kid I've ever worked with loves me anyway. It's because even though I'm strict and don't let kids get away with much, I never yell and I also balance it out with plenty of fun and silly things. Like others said, plan some fun things for them to do together over break so he starts top associate her with fun and not just discipline. And then talk to your nanny to find out exactly how she is correcting hos behavior and try to come up with some ideas together to make this transition easier on the BOTH of them. I'm sure this is no fun for your nanny either!

ITA. Is your nanny have a lot of experience with this age group? Especially with starting out at this age rather than starting out with the baby and growing into this age?

Being a strict disciplinarian is fine, but it has to fit into the overall context of the relationship. Discipline coming from a caregiver with whom you have an overall loving and positive relationship feels very different from discipline coming from a caregiver who feels like a stranger. When I start out with a new family where the children are older, I tend to set boundaries very lightly when I first start, then ramp up expectations after a positive fun and loving relationship has been more established. I go out of my way to find positive things to do with the children so that we can bond and connect so that I will have a foundation of love on which to build a discipline environment. It sounds to me like your nanny doesn't understand how to do this. My guess is that she came in and immediately started cracking down and calling him on things with the expectation that he of Bayhurst simply because she is big and he is little rather than from a deeper understanding that she loves him and has his best interest at heart.

[Anonymous]

Whoops: "an expectation that he obey her," not "of Bayhurst"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're having the problem, OP. She's doing her job. Your boy is fortunate to have a caring person like that.

Listening to your child and being considerate of all of your child's needs - the need to behave well and be disciplined if not as well as the need to feel loved, secure, and comfortable are not problems. Kudos to OP for being thoughtful about this issue rather than automatically blaming either nanny or child.