Not happy with live in nanny. When to move on?

[Anonymous]

We have had a live in nanny for about six months now (we signed a year long contract with a clause that either party could end at any time with 30 days notice)- she was good at first but I'm becoming increasingly underwhelmed and unhappy. The difficult thing is- and this is what I am grappling with - I don't have any issue with the way that she interacts with my children. In fact I think she does a pretty good job with them.

It is more that she is not a respectful "roommate" and also that I am privy to information about her lifestyle that I don't like, because she lives in my house. If she did not live with us, I don't think that I would have too much of an issue- probably the only issue is that she agreed to do light housekeeping for the children when hired (laundry, dishes, etc) and simply does not do these things. I have reminded her and made sure that she had extra time in her schedule to do them, when children are not around, and they still aren't getting done.. which I find to be very frustrating. It would not fly if I just decided that I was going to stop doing part of my job at work.

Other than that, though, it's more about making a LOT of noise, leaving common areas very messy with her own things, strange sleep habits that sort of dictate how loud we feel comfortable being in the home, oversleeping a few times when she is supposed to be on duty, and I also suspect that she has a problem with alcohol. I am a drinker myself, but her consumption is really over the top and somewhat alarming. She has also borrowed my clothes a few times without permission and does not seem to think anything of this.

I guess what I am struggling with is - If someone treats your kids well, but the other stuff isn't so good, is it worth going through the hassle of finding a new nanny? If she did not live with us it would be a much easier decision. I just think it would be a major hassle and quite awkward to fire her and let her continue to live with us for 30 days. Also, how does it work when you let go of a live in nanny? Do you hire someone else to take over as an interim live-out person while the live-in is still there? That just seems beyond awkward to me, but I do need someone to take care of my children and I am not comfortable with having someone work who has been fired. Also, what if you get stuck with another bad apple? No amount of daytime trial periods would have uncovered what we have been dealing with. I am nervous that if we hire someone else, they'll be even worse.

[Anonymous]

I think that you're the OP from the other live-in thread, and I suspect some of these details are exaggerated or made up to suit your desire to fire her. You don't need our permission. Ask her to move out, and keep working for you, if you like her work but not living with her, or fire her. What else do you want to hear? That she's awful and you're perfect?

[Anonymous]

I actually have no idea what you are talking about but I am going to go check out the other post now. If you or anyone else would like to give me constructive advice, though, I could use it, because I'm going back and forth on this and need to make a decision. I am not the other poster, whoever she is.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean the staying out all night thread? That was not me. I am sure that Jeff could verify if you bring him to this post. Ours does stay out very late, but coming home late doesn't bother me because she is not supposed to be working.. why not stay out late? It *does* bother me when she then sleeps all day long the next day and we have to tiptoe around, but I mentioned that in my original post.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's really abusing the boundaries - you really pushed me over the edge with borrowing your clothes. Yikes! Anyone who makes you uncomfortable in your own home is a bad fit. You're thinking of it correctly - should be a respectful roomate at a minimum. Definitely re-assess.

[Anonymous]

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your nanny? Some of what you're talking about may be immaturity issues. Not sure it changes your assessment, but may explain some of it.

[Anonymous]

I think you should sit down and have a serious come to jesus talk with her. Or hey, since it's halfway through, time for a review! Be fair and kind, but honest in it.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, nanny-parent relationships are far more personal than most employee-employer relationships, and a LOT of details affect how one handles various situations.

How old is your nanny?
Has she ever been a live-in nanny before? If so, what did her references say about sharing space with her?
Why do you need a live-in? (Early morning starts? Inconvenient location?) Are you open to the idea of hiring a live-out nanny, either her or someone else?
What did you say/how did you handle it when she borrowed your clothes without asking? How did she respond?

I have a difficult time picturing a new nanny being WORSE than your current one, but the questions above are the kinds of things to think about when you're looking for her replacement. If you absolutely must have a live-in nanny, you'll want to hire one with live-in experience. (Experienced nannies cost more than inexperienced ones, so plan for that.) Make sure you ask their references about sleeping habits, social habits, anything that you didn't realize would be an issue before hiring your current nanny - listen carefully to what they say AND what they don't say, as some people are reluctant to badmouth past employees and will instead simply refrain from saying very much that's positive. Also think about what kind of boss you are/want to be and if it doesn't come naturally to you, as it doesn't to most people, practice your managerial statements in the mirror or with a spouse/friend/sibling. The more calm and comfortable you are in addressing issues, the more easily they will be resolved (most of the time).

And to answer your question - yes it is worth going through the hassle of finding a new nanny! MOST nannies will treat your children well, most will love them, in fact, and they will adjust quickly to her replacement, but YOU also need to be happy with the person, both because she is your employee and because she's living in your home. Don't have any advice on the actual process of letting a live-in nanny go, but hopefully others will be able to advise you on that. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

When you hire a live-in Nanny, I guess there is no way to truly know if you and her are compatible in a living situation until it is too late. A very tricky situation.

For her, I would let her go. I do believe there is someone out there who can not only care for your children adequately, but can also live in your home and follow your seemingly reasonable rules.
I do have a concern OP.

If you suspect she has issues w/drinking, that should be a red flag that she shouldn't be in charge of caring for your children.

Anyway, I would seek a new nanny.
Is there any way you can hire just a live-out nanny? Is it a budget issue?

If you can only afford a live-in nanny, then I do not think there is a fool proof solution to know if both of you can live together suitably until you actually do (or not!) Just like getting a roommate. It's a risk.

[Anonymous]

Wtf? I would fire her ASAP. What kind of nitwit steals clothes???

[Anonymous]

PP - Hahahaha . . it was the clothes "borrowing" that really got me too. Lordie!