What is reasonable for a live-in?
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Anonymous
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For those who are or have a live-in nanny, how do you share the house? I am feeling like the only place that is my own is my room. If I leave my things in other parts of the house (such as shoes in the foyer closet) MB will dump them in my room without asking. I feel that if she has a problem with my things being somewhere, then she should talk to me about it and we can come up with something together. With the shoe thing, I leave them in the foyer because my room is in the basement 2 floors down and we don't wear shoes indoors here, so I think it's silly that I have to carry my shoes up two flights of stairs just to go out with the kids. I should be able to leave one or two pairs of everyday shoes in the front closet.
Another issue is the livig room. I was told that the basement living room would be a place where I could entertain guests, but DB sits down there watchig tv until 1 am every night. I understand why he doesn't watch in their bedroom, but there is a tv and sofa on the main floor that he could sit at, which would give me somewhere to be. I do not feel comfortable having friends over because if we use the downstair LR, DB acts put out, or if we try to hang out upstairs we have to wait until the kids are in bed, since they run around and play in the LR right up until bedtime. I don't want to wait until 8:30 to even start a movie or something, I have to be up early! The biggest thing, though is the kitchen. On weekdays mB makes breakfast for herself and the kids while I get them ready for school. She had told me that she "wants to be alone with her kids," and so I shouldn't be in the kitchen while they eat, which means that I have to get up at 6 instead of 6:30 every day (pretty early, esp. Given that I work long hours) if I want breakfast. Then on the weekends, she basically likes to make an elaborate breakfast for herself and the kids and she is in the kitchen from 8-10 both Saturday and Sunday. If i try to go in and do my own thing, she gets annoyed every time. Either I am in her space or I am making a mess (from actively cooking. How do you cook without gettig dishes dirty?) or I am interfering with the children or I am not "helping" her with the children enough (interfering and helping appear to depend exclusively on what she wants me to be doing. She never says, "I could use some help" or anythig else that would clue me in. I am expected to know whether she feels like she's handling it or feels overwhelmed and reapond accordingly with no communication from her. Basically, this situation is really stressful and I feel like I am losing $800 a month to eat crappy food (since I am never allowed to cook anything, I end up having cheese, yogurt, fruit, only food that I can grab and take to my room to eat), to never have friends over and to hide in my room all day. I know there are some lines being crossed, but I am at the point where everything annoys me. What is a reasonable balance? How much of this should I call them on and how much should I suck up? |
Anonymous
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Sorry OP you are dealing w/all of this. You are in a very crappy situation and by no means do you have to suck anything up.
Was this stuff discussed prior to you moving in? It doesn't look like it from what you say. I think your bosses just assumed you would do certain things. They are treating you like a fifth wheel in their home and it is degrading to you. There are just too many limitations. I mean....How rude of her to put your shoes in your room! And for you not to be allowed in the kitchen during certain hours? What the hell??! I would sit down and discuss w/the parents that you feel very restricted in your living environment and that you feel you need less rules. Esp. regarding the kitchen. Also, I think it would be considerate of them to let you have a LR to entertain your own guests as well. DB shouldn't act like you are putting him out. I cannot believe this family is treating their own nanny like a third class citizen. Personally OP, I would look for another job because this family views you as the "hired help" and no more. However, I understand that as a live-in, it is not always easy to just walk off the job. I hope you have a back up plan. If you do not, then I strongly advise you to look for another family. One who views you as an important member of the house...Not the "hired help." |
Anonymous
| I don't see any hope for these parents either. Move on. |
Anonymous
| Your space is your room. It sucks that they promised the basement space to you and DB uses it. It is their home. If you are not comfortable, move out. You have valid complaints about eating, but MB should offer you food when she is cooking if she does not want you in the kitchen. Keep your stuff in your room and only leave shoes upstairs when they are not home. Also, get a mini-fridge in your room and just learn to work around them. |
Anonymous
+1 Sorry OP. That sucks. They won't change. |
Anonymous
| Thanks. I guess I was hoping there was something we could work through, but maybe I do just need to look for somethig different. |
Anonymous
| You work for a bitch. I can't say there would ever be a live-in nanny job where you will feel totally at home, I mean the fact is you're there to work. But the way she treats you is unnecessary and all about her nasty personality. You can't fix this. She will continue to mistreat you as long as you're there. |
Anonymous
That's all fine and dandy, but not worth $800/month. |
Anonymous
| Are you the first live-in they have had? If you are, they may still be afpdjusting and I would sit down with them and discuss how you feel. If you are not, this is probably something that isn't going to change. Either move out or move on. |
Anonymous
| How old are the kids? |
Anonymous
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It's very weird that she takes your shoes from the closet and puts them in your room. I could (kind of) understand it if you were leaving them in the hall -- but they're in a closet!
Honestly, it sounds like a nightmare situation all around. I'm never one to call "cheap," but they only want a live in because they want to save money. |
Anonymous
3 and 4. And I am their first live-in. |
Anonymous
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I would make a list of the 4-5 things that are making this unworkable...kitchen, downstairs living room, shoes, whatever and sit down and have a grown up conversation about it. They've never had a live in before so there's an adjustment. As part of a compromise, could you get a mini fridge, microway, hot plate, electric tea kettle or whatever and keep some instant oatmeal, milk, cereal, eggs, whatver downstairs so you can have breakfast on your schedule? Can you negotiate certain nights when you're guaranteed the downstairs LR w/o DB pouting about it? (Unless his watching tv till 1 keeps you awake in which case he needs to knock that off and give you quiet time at 9 pm or whenever feels right to you.)
Really, I would start with a very honest and blunt conversation about what isn't working, possible solutions to the problem and be sure to let some lesser issues slide. |
Anonymous
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^ bad advice.
Would you also find ways to make an abusive marriage work? This nanny is in an awful situation and being treated horribly. The good news is she can walk away any time she wants. Encouraging her to make this work and talk it out with the nutjob MB is horrible advice. |
Anonymous
it's not bad advice, it's mature advice. Mature people communicate their needs and try to reach an amicalble resolution an dpart ways when they mutually decide that is not feasible. |