Laundry Freakout?

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I am in a live-in work exchange. Every live-in position I have ever had included the very basics of hygiene stuff like laundry detergent, toilet paper, and hand soap. Stuff that is bought for the house and then I would just use their brand as well. I started this position as live out about 1.75 years ago, and moved in 1.25 years ago. We had discussed including the usual and I am pretty sure laundry detergent was part of that as well. Well, I have also had my own (name brand) powdered detergent that I use for certain things that don't like to have you use liquid stuff on them sitting in the laundry room during this whole time.

Over the past year+ there have been times that she has used my laundry detergent when the liquid stuff ran out and before she got around to buying more. No big deal, it was more of a backup thing anyways (but she does have her own powdered stuff that is sitting down there as well). Anyways, she is always leaving her clothes in the washer and dryer and I am constantly helping her out with her laundry so I can get my own in. I was doing this tonight, wondering where there were some hangers that are normally down there to hang some of her stuff up, asking if a basket on top of the dryer was clean so I could add more to it etc, and then was carrying down her newly bought liquid detergent (bought days ago, but just sitting upstairs). She used my stuff again today, which was noticeable since the box was moved. None of that would have mattered to me, but as I was asking about stuff, she asked me if I was doing laundry and in a very odd voice said "and you are using my detergent?". I said I had used mine, and mentioned that she had actually used it as well, then she apologized for using it for 3 loads today, saying she thought she had bought it before.

Nothing mentioned about using it other times (about 1/4th of the box has been used by her, so it wasn't just today), and she sounded really freaked out that I might be using her stuff. Again, this was talked about when I moved in. I also don't do nearly as much laundry as her (since she has kids), and don't use the normal amount they tell you to but a very small amount as my clothes are never that dirty. I feel very offended right now, that this seems to be a huge issue to her when she has used my own stuff many times (and her guests always use up all my dryer sheets etc which she doesn't buy). Actually, her guests also eat my food and it never gets replaced, but I will also sometimes have a small cup of her ice cream etc so I feel that it gets evened out (but mostly buy and eat my own stuff). This has been the first position that most basic foods weren't included, originally she was to buy certain things like bagels on a regular basis but that just stopped. So I buy everything myself now. I feel that she is picking at small things that shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things, and for stuff that normally is included anyways.

I guess I will be buying my own laundry detergent from now on, though I only go shopping on my own, taking the bus with just a backpack so it will be a small trip only to buy stuff like that. She only takes me shopping with the car when I need to bulk buy cat food and litter once every 3 months (maybe I can grab detergent then too). Am I being unreasonable thinking that laundry detergent should be included especially when it is hard for me to carry larger/heavy items back on multiple buses? She had someone live with her previously that I think was a bad experience for her, but I don't think she was very familiar with a nanny being a live-in for a work exchange, while I have many years experience with this.

Should I bother bringing this up to her in a discussion, or should I just count myself lucky that I have a great deal on rent/utilities in a very expensive city to live in, that will allow my 2 cats to live with me? I think it is kind of petty to bring it up, but I also think it is petty to make me feel like a horrible person for even thinking of using her generic liquid laundry detergent.

[Anonymous]

Put your name on everything that's yours. Yeah, if you think you're getting such a great deal, buy your own stuff.

[Anonymous]

For the heavy stuff, any her if she'll get it for you and you'll pay her back.

[Anonymous]

But that's not the type of person I am. I think naming everything of yours is passive aggressive.

I don't mind her using some of my laundry detergent etc but she is not the type that would normally flip out over something like this either (the guests eat my food because she always tells them to go ahead and eat/drink anything they want). I say I am getting a good deal with rent, but that is also me having to put up with all the noise of the kids and all the other "cons" of living with your employer who has kids. There are guests here quite often (which I tend to enjoy most of the time), but there is someone staying here for free (not paying rent or putting money towards bills etc) until she gets a job and can save to move out (which considering this market, could be like 3 more months on top of the 2 she has already been here).

If I have to start to buy stuff like TP and laundry detergent and find the time to take 1.5-2 hours to go and buy just those items (since I wouldn't be able to carry back anything else other than those 2 items), then it will make it NOT so desirable anymore. I am just conflicted with things, at what point does something become too much? I probably won't even care by tomorrow, it just made me upset how she said that earlier on.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh. Just order it on amazon or something

[Anonymous]

I have stuff like cat litter and laundry soap delivered by amazon or soap.com. might cost a little more but it's very much worth it to not schlep it on the bus!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have stuff like cat litter and laundry soap delivered by amazon or soap.com. might cost a little more but it's very much worth it to not schlep it on the bus!!!

I just checked on cat stuff since Amazon had stopped carrying the brands I used directly through them a few years ago. The cat food is available and about the same price, so I might do that. The litter unfortunately is just over $40 for the same size I get at a local store for $11.59.

I think this thread is getting past my original point though. When something is originally included (and it's not like she is paying for all my food or hygiene stuff etc), is it ok for your MB to decide she doesn't want to cover something later on (and not tell you about it) and then freak out about it?

I don't think I want to live with and work for a family that I have to start to decide to buy certain things on my own and figure out ways to get them home (either online shipping or whatnot) when it is something that costs her maybe $1 per month for my share (that I use) of the item. I don't want to have to put my name all over everything that I have bought. I was originally just going to buy stuff myself, but this woman makes over $100,000 a year and I earn about $10,000-12,000 a year (when not including my work exchange with her). I think I might end up looking for something else. It's just hard because of my cats, it's nearly impossible to find any place to rent that allows them in this city. The decisions people have to make due to their love of their pets.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap you are making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. Maybe it was discussed originally but she probably saw the other detergent and assumed you always used that, not theirs. So she was asking. You are way over thinking this.

Just say "hi MB, i just wanted to clarify something from the other day. I only use x detergent to wash z. Otherwise I use the household's, like we discussed in the contract/move in. I hope this is still ok." And if you dont want her using yours, keep it in your room

[Anonymous]

Order from amazon or petco and keep your detergent in your room. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that it's difficult to be confrontational, but it really doesn't matter what any of us think is normal or reasonable for a live-in or not. What matters is what your agreement is with you MB for the services you provide and whether you feel like you are being compensated appropriately. By compensation, I mean everything from living there to whatever salary to toilet paper to your cats being allowed to live there.

It sounds like you feel your original agreement is being violated in a number of ways. Forget about how much she makes or that you can't carry laundry detergent on the bus. The point is that if you feel like your agreement is now unclear, ask her professionally and politely to clarify.

"MB, I thought our original agreement was that you would be providing me with basic household items such as laundry detergent and toilet paper as part of my compensation package. I purchase the powder for myself to use for a few or my special items, but otherwise, I had assumed I would use the family laundry detergent. Your comment yesterday made me think perhaps I don't understand our agreement. Can we go over our contract again to make sure I'm clear?"

Then if she says she's no longer paying for your detergent or bagels or whatever even though its I the contract, you can point that out and ask why those things are no longer included.

If you stay professional and not accusatory, then her reaction will tell you tons about how happy she s with you, and whether the relationship could continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that it's difficult to be confrontational, but it really doesn't matter what any of us think is normal or reasonable for a live-in or not. What matters is what your agreement is with you MB for the services you provide and whether you feel like you are being compensated appropriately. By compensation, I mean everything from living there to whatever salary to toilet paper to your cats being allowed to live there.

It sounds like you feel your original agreement is being violated in a number of ways. Forget about how much she makes or that you can't carry laundry detergent on the bus. The point is that if you feel like your agreement is now unclear, ask her professionally and politely to clarify.

"MB, I thought our original agreement was that you would be providing me with basic household items such as laundry detergent and toilet paper as part of my compensation package. I purchase the powder for myself to use for a few or my special items, but otherwise, I had assumed I would use the family laundry detergent. Your comment yesterday made me think perhaps I don't understand our agreement. Can we go over our contract again to make sure I'm clear?"

Then if she says she's no longer paying for your detergent or bagels or whatever even though its I the contract, you can point that out and ask why those things are no longer included.

If you stay professional and not accusatory, then her reaction will tell you tons about how happy she s with you, and whether the relationship could continue.

+1. Great advice.