DD says nanny pinched her. How to bring this up with the nanny?

[Anonymous]

Background: Nanny has been with us for over 3 years. She watches our DD and now baby who is 6 months old. Things have been a little rocky since baby was born. DD has been going through a very tough patch. I was home a lot on maternity leave and ramping back up at work so was around a lot which was somewhat tense. DH just started a new role and things are much busier at home. But generally nanny has been doing well managing both kids between camp and school, which starts in 2 weeks for DD (she will be there all but 10 hrs/week.

Today DD told me that nanny yelled at her loudly to sit down and she cried. When I asked her why she cried she said it was because nanny pinched her on her leg. I think the first part is possible (doesn't make me happy she yelled but she is human and I'm fine addressing with her what happened) but it seems very unlikely that she pinched her. She has been with us for 3 years and I've worked from home for portions of that so I have a pretty good sense of how she acts. However, I obviously want to protect DD and take what she says seriously in case she is telling the truth.
How do I raise this with the nanny without it permanently damaging things? And for what its worth, DD is generally extremely truthful. This pinching story didn't sound realistic but she doesn't really lie (comes straight to us if she breaks a rule) so I want to check it out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate to have to ask you this. How much increase are you paying the nanny for baby care? Of course it souldn't matter whatsoever, but if you're giving her 2 dollars extra, she's likely resentful and over-stressed as a result. Pay her more or get another nanny who'll be pleased with your rate.

[Anonymous]

Also, just bring up all the issues with the nanny, the pay, the reported behavior, ask if she's still happy with the job.

[Anonymous]

We pay her well. About 20/hr plus insurance, overtime, etc and the older one has been in camp most of the time and starts school soon- this is just a few week period that both kids are home. But regardless, thats crazy to imply its somehow acceptable to pinch a kid (if she did) because she is stressed out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hate to have to ask you this. How much increase are you paying the nanny for baby care? Of course it souldn't matter whatsoever, but if you're giving her 2 dollars extra, she's likely resentful and over-stressed as a result. Pay her more or get another nanny who'll be pleased with your rate.

I'm sorry, but what exactly are you saying? OP should be paying extra for the care of the baby or for not abusing the preschooler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hate to have to ask you this. How much increase are you paying the nanny for baby care? Of course it souldn't matter whatsoever, but if you're giving her 2 dollars extra, she's likely resentful and over-stressed as a result. Pay her more or get another nanny who'll be pleased with your rate.

I'm sorry, but what exactly are you saying? OP should be paying extra for the care of the baby or for not abusing the preschooler?

Are you apologizing for pretending to be stupid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We pay her well. About 20/hr plus insurance, overtime, etc and the older one has been in camp most of the time and starts school soon- this is just a few week period that both kids are home. But regardless, thats crazy to imply its somehow acceptable to pinch a kid (if she did) because she is stressed out?

Do you think she might not be able to handle baby care? You should ask her what's going on, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is stupid. I've had jobs where I felt underpaid and I may have spent more time on my phone than normally, but I'd never intentionally pinch a kid!

But I am wondering if maybe your nanny accidentally pinched her? Maybe she was struggling to snap an article of clothing or something and that pinched her?

[Anonymous]

Is there a mark?

[Anonymous]

Op back. Actually I didn't check to see if there was a mark- although my husband bathed her and knew the story so if there was a mark I'm sure he would have noticed.
She told me she asked the nanny not to pinch her and the nanny said no. This is where the story just sounds unlikely. They were also with friends for a good part of the day.
And she is awesome with babies. She's actually usually pretty good with the older one too. She's just been much more frustrated by her in a visible way lately. This has been something I'm concerned about but DD is frankly driving me crazy lately too with all of the tantrums so it didnt' seem that out of the ordinary.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate to have to ask you this. How much increase are you paying the nanny for baby care? Of course it souldn't matter whatsoever, but if you're giving her 2 dollars extra, she's likely resentful and over-stressed as a result. Pay her more or get another nanny who'll be pleased with your rate.

This is truly the stupidest post I've ever read on these boards.

If your nanny would abuse your child because she doesn't appreciate her new child raise, fire her. Immediately.

[Anonymous]

I would bring it up with the nanny. Say that DD has been having a tough adjustment with the new baby, how has she dealt with it, what has she noticed, etc? Then say, "I feel that I must tell you that DD said you pinched her the other day. I'm wondering if she's making that up or somehow misconstrued things."

also, fwiw, my 3.5 year old has started making some crazy stuff up. Told me the other day that DH wouldn't let him brush his teeth anymore, told DH that I was a bad mommy because I poured hot water on him...neither of which are true!!!!

[Anonymous]

I would have to assume from reading what you wrote OP, that the nanny most likely used a louder and more firm voice while your daughter was not listening (you have said that she has been acting up recently) and that is what your daughter took as yelling (many kids can not differentiate the 2).

I think that the pinch thing is most likely just made up, especially since the story changed with daughter asking nanny to not pinch her and nanny saying no. I think that was just part of her changing attitude of lately. As you said your baby is 6 months old, your older daughter is most likely trying to still figure out her role in your lives as well as the baby's and testing out ways of getting more attention as babies tend to take over most of that from the parents.

I think you just need to talk to your nanny about ways that you both can show that the older child is still getting lots of POSITIVE attention, make sure that nanny is not yelling but using a more stern voice instead for times when needed, and just try and work out any stress that all parties involved might have due to the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have to assume from reading what you wrote OP, that the nanny most likely used a louder and more firm voice while your daughter was not listening (you have said that she has been acting up recently) and that is what your daughter took as yelling (many kids can not differentiate the 2).

I think that the pinch thing is most likely just made up, especially since the story changed with daughter asking nanny to not pinch her and nanny saying no. I think that was just part of her changing attitude of lately. As you said your baby is 6 months old, your older daughter is most likely trying to still figure out her role in your lives as well as the baby's and testing out ways of getting more attention as babies tend to take over most of that from the parents.

I think you just need to talk to your nanny about ways that you both can show that the older child is still getting lots of POSITIVE attention, make sure that nanny is not yelling but using a more stern voice instead for times when needed, and just try and work out any stress that all parties involved might have due to the behavior.

+1 this!

[Anonymous]

You need a nanny cam.