Nanny for High Need Infant

[Anonymous]

My first child is 3 months old and an absolute joy, but he definitely falls into the "high need" category. He wants to be held almost constantly during the day (including for all daytime naps), but he sleeps very well at night and is doing great developmentally. I'm planning to go back to work when he is about 5.5 months old and am hoping to find a nanny who will be sensitive to his high needs. I know some parents are comfortable with a tough love, cry it out approach to these sort of demands, but I'd rather just respond to them. (In my view, since he's developing well and is sleeping at night, why not just hold him when he wants to be held; once he is crawling and can explore the world more, I think he'll naturally become more independent.)

Am I being unrealistic? Are there nannies who will actually be willing to hold him for much of the day? He is great in any baby carrier (ergo, moby, etc), and we have plenty to choose from, if the nanny wants to give those a shot. We also wouldn't really have other expectations for the nanny in the first few months -- I'm staying home with him now, and I know it's not always feasible to get the bottle he took at breakfast, or my sandwich supplies from lunch, into the dishwasher. I obviously wouldn't expect more from my nanny than I do from myself. I just wonder whether we're going to be able to find someone who will be sensitive to his style (vs forcing him to snap out of it through a cry it out approach when I'm not around). Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

The good news is that you have a very specific idea of a critical need for your nanny - that will help you significantly in the interview process.

I'm sure you can find nannies who are comfortable with you wishes regarding holding/high attention vs. cry it out. (My nanny would be thrilled if we were more supportive of this!)

Seriously, you can find people who will do as you wish and good for you for recognizing this as being important and a differentiator now - rather than after you've hired someone with whom you're in conflict. Just be clear about what you want, and the fact that you're not looking for anyone to change your mind or "train" you (or the baby) out of it. This is your parenting style and you want to hire someone who is fully supportive of your wishes. Fair enough.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Great questions OP! Yes, I think you will be able to find a patient, flexible, and nurturing nanny who will be sensitive to your son's needs as long as you are completely upfront with him/her about his needs and your expectations regarding your son's needs. My only question with asking the nanny to wear/hold him constantly: will this feasible for the nanny and your son on a daily basis?

Your son may not nap/ or as well on her/him as he does with you especially as he ages. I would highly take this in consideration when limiting the nanny and your son to spend the majority of his day/nap being worn and/or carried. I do think it will be possible to have the nanny put him down or in a crib for periods without neglecting or letting him cry it out. P.S. I am babywearing nanny!

[Anonymous]

My daughter was much like your son for the first four months. At around four months, she settled into the world a bit more and was comfortable sitting in a bouncy chair for short periods, as long as she could see and get occasional interaction with a caregiver. By six months, she was napping on a schedule and happy to play in an exersaucer type toy while her caregiver worked in the kitchen or whatever. By eleven months she was tearing around the playground, climbing stairs, and walking laps around the block without assistance, with very little interest in being held for extended periods.

In other words, don't assume that your child will always be as needy as he is now. Choose a nanny who feels like a good long-range fit. You need someone who is smart and fit enough to stimulate and keep up with the child as his needs change, and not just someone who expresses willingness to hold the baby all day.