Having nanny issues and adding 2nd child

[Anonymous]

Hello, we have a wonderful nanny for our 3.5 year old son and I am on maternity leave with our newborn. Let me first say that we absolutely adore our nanny and our son loves her too. She is caring, kind, generous and helps us out in any way she can. My son is going through a difficult phase, the terrible threes and can at times be very difficult to handle, as on getting him to eat, or put on shoes I. A timely manner, or turn off the tv, etc etc etc. I know this is pretty typical for a toddler and am not particularly worried bc I think it will pass, especially since he does get time outs for the truly bad behavior, and does understand the consequences etc. but he seems to act out more for our nanny than with us. I think a large part of it is that she takes him to the playground twice per day and does the same activities every day. I think he is getting bored. I have tried telling her that varying the routine will help, And have given her informAtion about local events they could go to, places my son likes, etc. my husband even took them both to the local library to show her where it was, got her the schedule of classes, etc. but she hasn't done any of those things for the past two months. Then my son gets bored and frustrated and gives her a hard time, and I wonder how she is going to take care of them both when I go back to work. FYI, she also doesn't enforce timeouts which I think makes the problem worse. While we love our nanny and don't want to ,one her, I am not sure how to get her to try our suggestions or to vary their routine and also enfor e the discipline. P,ease help, because I on,y have 3 more weeks of leave before I go back to work and right now I don't think she can handle them both!!!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Apologies for the bad grammar and spelling but I am typing on an iPad while holding newborn!

[Anonymous]

OP, first, congratulations on the birth of your second child.
The first question that comes to mind is, is the nanny somewhat of a "doormat" personality? It sounds like she may be.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call her a doormat, she has told me when she is upset about something in he past, but she is very nice and flexible. Which is why I don't want her feelings to be hurt when I tell her firmly that something needs to give, but the subtle suggestions so far don't seem to have worked.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't she enforce time outs? What is her articulated reason for not varying their routine at all?

I apologize that I'm not offering any advice, but I think these points are important to establish before I can weigh in

[Anonymous]

She doesn't sound flexible if she does the same things every day. Maybe you can use the upcoming transition as a way to start a conversation about schedules. Sit down with her and have her propose a schedule of activities for next week. Then go over it with her and explain some variations you'd like to see in where they go or what they do. Then begin the schedule next week while you are still on leave and then set up a plan for both kids when you go back to work.

I don't know if this will work, but it's the only thing I can think of trying. My nanny has always been active with my DD and initiates all kinds of activities on her own, so I've never had to suggest them to her. Good luck, though.

[Anonymous]

I was working for a wahm when she had her second child. Her first (3.4 yr old boy) had a very hard transition with the baby and adjusting to the shift of attention. I ALWAYS had a much harder time when the mother home because he would fight for her attention. I also had a very hard time because his mother would often interrupt my attempts at discipline or redirecting, which would make me think she would just rather do it. So she might be getting the wrong idea. Try making a very direct plan of what you would like her to do, with everything your concerned about- and if she doesn't then find a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

OP, the problem isn't the nanny, it is you in that you do not appear to understand that your DS was the center of attention and had you all to himself. In his mind, acting up will get more attentiom from you. Stop blaming the nanny and look at the MAJOR interruption in his life

[Anonymous]

Was this an issue before you were home?

Could she be giving him more chances because your there and there's a new baby etc.?

Also he is probably being worse with both of you there then he is for either one of you individually.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is YOU!!
The kids like routine,their love to do the same all the time,their doesn't liken to change any thing,give him a nice time with you,take him to ice- cream,to see a movie with good Heath candy.
and etc,etc ,you going to see the result very fast.
I say that because I have lots experience with all ages.

[Anonymous]

Why haven't you just ... asked the nanny. "Nanny, DH and I have told you about all these other options for outtings and are wondering why you haven't taken Aidan to any of them." See what she says. "Nanny, DH and I find that Aidan does best when the time-out protocol we outlined for you is followed completely. Would you explain your logic for why you don't do it so I can understand your POV?"

Maybe it's time for a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

She sounds boring. She needs to take advantage of the local events and programs available.

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely be having a very clear and direct conversation with her about this, and then look for a new nanny if things don't improve.

That said, you should absolutely realize having a new baby, parents home more, and probably other upheavals and visitors can be a lot for a young child. He may actually do better with familiar, consistent and boring in the short term. Your nanny may feel (possibly incorrectly) that keeping this routine will help your child.

Lastly- if it's not about your child- is your nanny doing it because she has friends at the park or is easy to just let him roam with less interaction? Some nannies are just not good with toddlers/pre-k age.

[Anonymous]

Lots of nannies quit when the mom is going to stay home for any amount of extended time. It's too tough on the kid and the nanny. Not worth the trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this an issue before you were home?

Could she be giving him more chances because your there and there's a new baby etc.?

Also he is probably being worse with both of you there then he is for either one of you individually.

OP here. I agree he probably acts out a little bit more when I am there, but I know from our nanny it happens when we also aren't there. I do realize we have had a major upheaval with the newborn, but hat is part of the reason we have suggested varied outings, because my son actually loves that kind of variation and gets bored with the same thing every day. I think him being at home watching me take care of the baby all day is prob making the issue worse, and I have told her so. She agrees with me every time and says she will take him those places but then never does it. Same with the time outs. I can call her out on it but just don't want to hurt her feelings since she is great in many other ways.