New au pair arriving...how to handle "trivial" items?

[Anonymous]

I'll admit it - I'm a control freak and there are a few little things that really bother me. A couple of examples - I really dislike my DD (age 2) having her hair in her face, I think it should be out of her face so food and drinks dont get in it, knot it and then her freak out when I try to comb out the knots (a lot of mornings, i leave before she wakes, unfortunately). Another example is placemats on the wooden kitchen table - I want the AP to use them, especially when serving hot food, since not doing so leaves those white heat stains on the table. There are a couple others, but all so minor in the grand scheme of things.

I try hard not to inflict my OCD and control issues on others, so with our past two au pairs, I haven't mentioned these things but they really do bother me. We have a new AP arriving in two weeks - am I "allowed" to make these types of requests? Or am I being really nit picky? If I am able to list them, where and how? do i make a list? put them in the household handbook? mention them in conversation?

Again, I realize, there are major world issues and I feel ridiculous even posting this but I'd love guidance!

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Don't over-think it.

"In the top drawer of Larla's dresser, there's an assortment of bows and hair ties. It's easier to keep her hair tangle-free if it's kept out of her face"

Do you leave the place mats on the table all the time, or only set it with them before meals? You could always put a table cloth down in the beginning, just in case. But again "hot dishes will damage the table. the placemats are over here, and the trivets are over here if you need them."

[Anonymous]

Place mats...sure i get it. It is the same as a coaster,keeps the furniture from being ruined.
Hair ....stepping into micromanagement area. If your daughter is constantly getting food etc in her hair,eventually the au pair will probably decide to put it up on her own.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not OCD. EVERYONE has little pet peeves like this that are trivial but important to them. There is absolutely no reason for you to keep your preferences to yourself and then let them stew as your AP unknowingly pushes your buttons or damages your things. In fact, it isn't fair to the OP for you to say nothing.

I think it would be frustrating for the OP to feel like she is always being corrected about a series of little things and I also think it would be hard for her to remember all your preferences if you just mention them all in a single conversation when she first starts work. If you have a household handbook, by all means put them in there. Whenever possible, briefly explain the "why" behind each one--it'll make the AP realize that you are (mostly) rational and not just trying to control her. Also, acknowledge to the AP that you know some of the listed requests are nit-picky, but they really are important to you and you need her to humor you, etc. You might also invite the AP to share some of her personal pet peeves with you. You may not be able to accommodate them all, but if adults are going to live together, there needs to be an open dialogue about living habits.

Beyond that, try to let go of things that really don't matter, but just aren't being done exactly the way you would do them. For example, my nanny puts my daughter in some absurd outfits--mismatched, outgrown, winter fabrics in summer, sandals and socks in winter--you name it. It drives me nuts. I've tried to organize her closet by outfit so there is less coordination to be done by the nanny, but when that fails, I've learned to just live with the results because I know the nanny adores my daughter and I don't want to sour her enthusiasm.

On another note, please tell me more about your household handbook. What goes into it?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs. There's a balance. Choose what is important and give the reason why. Mention things as they come up, don't bombard her all at once.

I understand. I have my issues too. My first AP would always put one side ponytail into DDs hair. I tried to let it go, but it drove me nuts (DD was about 2), so I finally brought it up that I prefer 2 ponytails or one in the back. She probably thought I was crazy, and she's probably a little bit correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Place mats...sure i get it. It is the same as a coaster,keeps the furniture from being ruined.
Hair ....stepping into micromanagement area. If your daughter is constantly getting food etc in her hair,eventually the au pair will probably decide to put it up on her own.

I disagree re the hair. Nannies and APs, your MBs and DBs are your managers. Your job is to care for their children according to their direction. As in any other job, your manager has every right to specify how he or she wants things done, and that goes for small things as well as big things. Only a negligent manager would sit back and say "Gee, I sure hope my nineteen year old AP figures out before too many more tear-filled fights with the hairbrush that my daughter's hair is best pulled out of her face each day."

[Anonymous]

Op, your handbook is your friend, here.

[Anonymous]

PLEASE put them in the handbook or in writing, all together, when she begins. Let her know you don't expect her to remember everything right away but you wanted to make sure she had as much information as possible when starting. It would be much worse for her to be corrected over trivial things regularly. That can lead to a lot of frustration.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all! I'll list them (there are about 5 total), explain my reasoning and also ask her to let me know her pet peeves.

22:42- the handbook I create for each au pair is a binder with 5 or 6 tabs. The first is a document listing all phone numbers and contacts (work, doctors, neighbors, my mom, etc) as well as general house "rules" (car usage, long distance calls, smoking and overnight guests, etc). The second tab relates to the kids...ideas of things to do with them, activities schedules, etc. the third is ideas for her - places to go, things to see (both close and far). The fourth tab has directions to "frequent" places - pediatricians, my mom's, my office, DH's office. Can't remember the fifth tab but certainly will soon, as I have to put it all together again before the new one arrives next Saturday!

Thanks again everyone!

[Anonymous]

You're not a control freak and you're not OCD - you're a human being who has preferences for her children and her home. To a degree, you get to say how the person you're employing to care for your child and to live in your home manages certain tasks.

To use your examples, you are 100% fine saying during training (and put it in the handbook if you're handbook is that specific) - "this table will get damaged if you put hot things directly on it. Here are the placemats - please make sure you put one of these down first." That example is very typical - I would think most APs would have had furniture in their house that they wouldn't put hot things directly on. That's a perfect example of something to say specifically during training. In fact, if you didn't say this and she burned the table and you were irritated - that would be pretty obnoxious of you. Tell her how your house works.

The hair example is borderline, but if you have just a few of these things you could say (also during training) - "So I admit this is silly, but it really bothers me when DD's hair is in her face. Here is where we keep the hair ties. She likes it best when her hair is tied into a ponytail in the morning. If it falls out, please help her put it back in." It sounds like maybe her hair is really long and tangles easily though, so this might not be silly. The au pair may even understand after she has to work the tangles out herself once or twice. In that case you can say "As you can see, DD has long hair and it gets tangled really easily. She throws a fit when we have to comb her hair, so it's best to keep it tied back during the day."

Those examples are perfectly normal things that you would ask your au pair to pay attention to. Now of course over the year, you have to pick your battles. One by one you'll decide (even if you've trained her on certain things) whether something is a big enough deal to harp on.

[Anonymous]

It is much easier to address these things up front and I think you should if they are important to you. And it's easier to correct in the beginning than if you wait and stew on it.

[Anonymous]

OP I'd just make a list of 'donts' and place it on the fridge and tell Au Pair that you would like her to take a moment to skim it. Your concerns take little effort on the Au Pairs part, I mean, It's not like you're leaving a list of deep scrubbing duties, chores, etc.. You'll feel better if you're both on the same page.

Just don't wait until Au Pair does the opposite to tell her how YOU'D prefer it because then she'll get the impression that you're 'micromanaging' every little thing she does. Just let her no ahead of time about your quirks so she doesn't take it personally.