When Au Pair's family comes to visit - grocery question

[Anonymous]

Is it expected that you provide all their meals?

[Anonymous]

I don't think so. I think if you have offered to host them, it would be gracious to make sure they have enough cereal, fruit, etc. for breakfast, and maybe tell your AP that you hope her family will join you for dinner on X date, and you can have a nice, welcoming meal for them. Depending on your means and your children's age, might be nice to take them out to dinner one night.

But - I'd check out posts on this topic on aupairmom.com. It can be a really tricky issue if you don't work it out beforehand. You could become really resentful if the family seems to expect home-cooked meals 3x / day. I'd say the best way to handle this is figure out first what you would like to offer (e.g. breakfast items, a weekend meal or two all together, maybe pre-packaged items they can grab for lunch some days), and then sit down with your AP and discuss what you think you can provide, but that you expect that the family will eat lunch out during the day, or maybe provide a meal or two themselves, e.g. shopping and cooking for the family. I think if you are very clear as to what you are offering, and what you are NOT offering, the AP can explain it to her family ahead of time and there will be no resentment. I think that if you DON'T work it out ahead of time, you are heading down a road of miscommunication and resentment on both sides.

In some cultures, guests are revered and treated like kings and queens. In the U.S., they usually are not. I have stayed with friends of family or friends of friends in other countries, and was so grateful for just the accommodation, and planned to just eat out for all meals, and brought a gift for the family. But many times I was bowled over by the family's graciousness - cooking large meals, taking me out to eat, etc. We don't seem to feel the same way about guests here in the U.S.! When my relatives from other countries come to visit, they will sometimes stay for weeks or months on end; they are family, so we host them. But we still think it's weird, and would never impose on them in the same way.

Anyway, point is - whatever you decide is appropriate for you, tell your AP and discuss discuss discuss ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming that the au pair's family is not all staying at your house but in a hotel. It would be nice to host a few dinners and brunch but there shouldn't be any expectation that they all would be eating with you and your family every night.

[Anonymous]

Only if they're staying with you, and even then they should be buying their own lunches while they're out.

If they're not staying with you it'd be nice to host them for a meal or two, but you don't need to provide for them the rest of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In some cultures, guests are revered and treated like kings and queens. In the U.S., they usually are not. I have stayed with friends of family or friends of friends in other countries, and was so grateful for just the accommodation, and planned to just eat out for all meals, and brought a gift for the family. But many times I was bowled over by the family's graciousness - cooking large meals, taking me out to eat, etc. We don't seem to feel the same way about guests here in the U.S.! When my relatives from other countries come to visit, they will sometimes stay for weeks or months on end; they are family, so we host them. But we still think it's weird, and would never impose on them in the same way.

You are responsible for providing your au pair with basic food items, not her friends and family. It's very important to be up front about this though. It would be lovely of you to let your au pair know that they are welcome to help themselves to the basics and of course you will probably happily make them a meal or two to have all together. But she should plan on grocery shopping to get some breakfast/lunch stuff for them so they have some basic stuff in the house and then they will likely go out to eat for most of the nights. Whatever you decide, make sure it's clear. You might also ask your au pair if they might all want to cook your family a dinner from their country - that's gone over well for all four of my au pair's visitors and everyone has a good time. It's a way for me to feel "paid back" for my hospitality too.

I do want to highlight the quote above though and disagree slightly. When I personally have visitors, I definitely go out of my way to make sure they're comfortable. I don't think it's necessarily a US thing to give visitors accommodations and otherwise leave them to themselves. I'm not saying I'm not going to do as much as I can for my au pair's visitors too, but remember - these are HER visitors, not yours. So if she wants to go overboard making them dinner and buying them groceries and taking them all around town, that's on her. We have had four weeks of visitors with our two au pairs and I've never taken off of work or anything - I presume your life will still continue as normal and it's up to her to lavishly entertain should she choose.

[Anonymous]

12:33 I also do a lot when we have house guests but the norm is some cultures is very, very over the top. The guests are waited on hand and foot, lavish meals are prepared, and everything revolves around the guest. This is why families in others cultures visit for so long! It also creates incredibly entitled guests who can expect this sort of treatment or behave in ways that are seen as very rude from an American standpoint. Some cultures have an expectation that all Americans are super rich so the expectations of the guests may be even higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In some cultures, guests are revered and treated like kings and queens. In the U.S., they usually are not. I have stayed with friends of family or friends of friends in other countries, and was so grateful for just the accommodation, and planned to just eat out for all meals, and brought a gift for the family. But many times I was bowled over by the family's graciousness - cooking large meals, taking me out to eat, etc. We don't seem to feel the same way about guests here in the U.S.! When my relatives from other countries come to visit, they will sometimes stay for weeks or months on end; they are family, so we host them. But we still think it's weird, and would never impose on them in the same way.

You are responsible for providing your au pair with basic food items, not her friends and family. It's very important to be up front about this though. It would be lovely of you to let your au pair know that they are welcome to help themselves to the basics and of course you will probably happily make them a meal or two to have all together. But she should plan on grocery shopping to get some breakfast/lunch stuff for them so they have some basic stuff in the house and then they will likely go out to eat for most of the nights. Whatever you decide, make sure it's clear. You might also ask your au pair if they might all want to cook your family a dinner from their country - that's gone over well for all four of my au pair's visitors and everyone has a good time. It's a way for me to feel "paid back" for my hospitality too.

I do want to highlight the quote above though and disagree slightly. When I personally have visitors, I definitely go out of my way to make sure they're comfortable. I don't think it's necessarily a US thing to give visitors accommodations and otherwise leave them to themselves. I'm not saying I'm not going to do as much as I can for my au pair's visitors too, but remember - these are HER visitors, not yours. So if she wants to go overboard making them dinner and buying them groceries and taking them all around town, that's on her. We have had four weeks of visitors with our two au pairs and I've never taken off of work or anything - I presume your life will still continue as normal and it's up to her to lavishly entertain should she choose.

11:37 here - I too try to be an extremely gracious host for my own visitors - to whom I have extended the invitation to visit. If I invited them, of course it's because I intended to host them and provide for them and entertain them. But I was making a point about the difference in treatment of guests who are NOT specifically invited by the hosting family, but rather invited by friends or family of the hosting family. That is the case here - the AP has invited her family to stay in OP's home (if indeed that is the case, and they are not staying in a hotel, as other PPs have interpreted), but presumably OP did not reach out to the AP's family on her own to invite them as OP's guests, rather than as guests of the AP, who happens to live in OP's home. And I compared it to my experience in other countries, where friends or family of mine have asked their friends or family in the other country if they would mind providing me with a place to stay while I traveled abroad. In those cases, since I basically invited myself, I felt overwhelmed by the graciousness of my hosts - who treated me as their own family, and as though they had known me and invited me themselves. While certainly there are those Americans who would behave similarly to guests, I find that - as a cultural generality - it is not the norm for Americans to be so overwhelmingly gracious in that situation.

Separately, if the AP's family is indeed staying in a hotel, as other PPs have assumed, I definitely think it is a great idea to make sure to invite the AP's family over for a meal or two, or out to dinner if you can swing it. But if that were the case, I doubt OP would have phrased it "grocery question."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In some cultures, guests are revered and treated like kings and queens. In the U.S., they usually are not. I have stayed with friends of family or friends of friends in other countries, and was so grateful for just the accommodation, and planned to just eat out for all meals, and brought a gift for the family. But many times I was bowled over by the family's graciousness - cooking large meals, taking me out to eat, etc. We don't seem to feel the same way about guests here in the U.S.! When my relatives from other countries come to visit, they will sometimes stay for weeks or months on end; they are family, so we host them. But we still think it's weird, and would never impose on them in the same way.

You are responsible for providing your au pair with basic food items, not her friends and family. It's very important to be up front about this though. It would be lovely of you to let your au pair know that they are welcome to help themselves to the basics and of course you will probably happily make them a meal or two to have all together. But she should plan on grocery shopping to get some breakfast/lunch stuff for them so they have some basic stuff in the house and then they will likely go out to eat for most of the nights. Whatever you decide, make sure it's clear. You might also ask your au pair if they might all want to cook your family a dinner from their country - that's gone over well for all four of my au pair's visitors and everyone has a good time. It's a way for me to feel "paid back" for my hospitality too.

I do want to highlight the quote above though and disagree slightly. When I personally have visitors, I definitely go out of my way to make sure they're comfortable. I don't think it's necessarily a US thing to give visitors accommodations and otherwise leave them to themselves. I'm not saying I'm not going to do as much as I can for my au pair's visitors too, but remember - these are HER visitors, not yours. So if she wants to go overboard making them dinner and buying them groceries and taking them all around town, that's on her. We have had four weeks of visitors with our two au pairs and I've never taken off of work or anything - I presume your life will still continue as normal and it's up to her to lavishly entertain should she choose.

You're horrible! Do you make this request of everyone who stays in your home, or just the foreign ones you feel you are better than? SMH!

[Anonymous]

I don't believe she meant it is a "request" per say but a nice way to spend some time together. I wouldn't see anything wrong in that at all ...

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh did we learn the hard way on this one! We have hosted our APs' families for years and never had a problem, until one AP had her mother and sister stay for two weeks, in which the AP would not take her time off during the weekdays but instead had mom and sister around while she cared for the children, so it was three people for three meals a day for two weeks that they ate out of our fridge. They consumed everything in sight and contributed nothing: groceries bought for the week on Saturday were gone on Tuesday. The kicker was at the end of the two weeks, AP announced she was going home with her mom and sister. It came out later that she had never intended to stay the year - she was always going home with them; they just wanted a chance to visit the US and stay for free, so she stayed until their visit was over. Sigh - we live and learn.

Anyway, since that visit, we now have in our handbook that anytime an AP has family or friends come for more than a night, she should expect to provide food for her guests. We hosted four different groups of last year's AP's family and friends, for a total of five weeks of visitors, and all went well with this approach. Naturally they ate some things of ours - and AP of course ate our food as she should - but in general, the idea that they should contribute was set, and we did not in the least feel taken advantage of in any of these visits. This year we will have AP's family for a week and are expecting the visit to go smoothly as well. Being clear up front and before the visitors arrive about expectations can make 100% of the difference.

I am the OP of a thread on aupairmom from last year about hosting AP's boyfriend from home for two weeks. Some of the suggestions in that might be helpful to you too.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

There is no contractual obligation to provide food to your au pair's family but (unless you have issues with your au pair -- in which case, rematch) it just seems stingy and petty to not open your kitchen to them when they visit. When my au pairs have had family visit we usually prepare one meal, the au pair usually prepares one meal and then we are all off on our own schedules. I don't feel obligated to cook every meal for them, but I always insist the families feel at home to eat what they'd like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In some cultures, guests are revered and treated like kings and queens. In the U.S., they usually are not. I have stayed with friends of family or friends of friends in other countries, and was so grateful for just the accommodation, and planned to just eat out for all meals, and brought a gift for the family. But many times I was bowled over by the family's graciousness - cooking large meals, taking me out to eat, etc. We don't seem to feel the same way about guests here in the U.S.! When my relatives from other countries come to visit, they will sometimes stay for weeks or months on end; they are family, so we host them. But we still think it's weird, and would never impose on them in the same way.

You are responsible for providing your au pair with basic food items, not her friends and family. It's very important to be up front about this though. It would be lovely of you to let your au pair know that they are welcome to help themselves to the basics and of course you will probably happily make them a meal or two to have all together. But she should plan on grocery shopping to get some breakfast/lunch stuff for them so they have some basic stuff in the house and then they will likely go out to eat for most of the nights. Whatever you decide, make sure it's clear. You might also ask your au pair if they might all want to cook your family a dinner from their country - that's gone over well for all four of my au pair's visitors and everyone has a good time. It's a way for me to feel "paid back" for my hospitality too.

I do want to highlight the quote above though and disagree slightly. When I personally have visitors, I definitely go out of my way to make sure they're comfortable. I don't think it's necessarily a US thing to give visitors accommodations and otherwise leave them to themselves. I'm not saying I'm not going to do as much as I can for my au pair's visitors too, but remember - these are HER visitors, not yours. So if she wants to go overboard making them dinner and buying them groceries and taking them all around town, that's on her. We have had four weeks of visitors with our two au pairs and I've never taken off of work or anything - I presume your life will still continue as normal and it's up to her to lavishly entertain should she choose.

You're horrible! Do you make this request of everyone who stays in your home, or just the foreign ones you feel you are better than? SMH!

We are all trying to be helpful here, and to relate different experiences so that we can learn from each other. If you have nothing other than insults to contribute, please go post on the other DCUM boards where this kind of behavior is enjoyed and expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no contractual obligation to provide food to your au pair's family but (unless you have issues with your au pair -- in which case, rematch) it just seems stingy and petty to not open your kitchen to them when they visit. When my au pairs have had family visit we usually prepare one meal, the au pair usually prepares one meal and then we are all off on our own schedules. I don't feel obligated to cook every meal for them, but I always insist the families feel at home to eat what they'd like.

A lot of families simply cannot afford to feed essentially an entire extra family for upwards of a week. Been there, done that. You might think you are just talking some cheap breakfast items here and there and a dinner or two, because certainly tourists will want to eat out, right? Wrong for my au pairs visiting family. Each and every meal and snack for four additional people for ten days really adds up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In some cultures, guests are revered and treated like kings and queens. In the U.S., they usually are not. I have stayed with friends of family or friends of friends in other countries, and was so grateful for just the accommodation, and planned to just eat out for all meals, and brought a gift for the family. But many times I was bowled over by the family's graciousness - cooking large meals, taking me out to eat, etc. We don't seem to feel the same way about guests here in the U.S.! When my relatives from other countries come to visit, they will sometimes stay for weeks or months on end; they are family, so we host them. But we still think it's weird, and would never impose on them in the same way.

You are responsible for providing your au pair with basic food items, not her friends and family. It's very important to be up front about this though. It would be lovely of you to let your au pair know that they are welcome to help themselves to the basics and of course you will probably happily make them a meal or two to have all together. But she should plan on grocery shopping to get some breakfast/lunch stuff for them so they have some basic stuff in the house and then they will likely go out to eat for most of the nights. Whatever you decide, make sure it's clear. You might also ask your au pair if they might all want to cook your family a dinner from their country - that's gone over well for all four of my au pair's visitors and everyone has a good time. It's a way for me to feel "paid back" for my hospitality too.

I do want to highlight the quote above though and disagree slightly. When I personally have visitors, I definitely go out of my way to make sure they're comfortable. I don't think it's necessarily a US thing to give visitors accommodations and otherwise leave them to themselves. I'm not saying I'm not going to do as much as I can for my au pair's visitors too, but remember - these are HER visitors, not yours. So if she wants to go overboard making them dinner and buying them groceries and taking them all around town, that's on her. We have had four weeks of visitors with our two au pairs and I've never taken off of work or anything - I presume your life will still continue as normal and it's up to her to lavishly entertain should she choose.

You're horrible! Do you make this request of everyone who stays in your home, or just the foreign ones you feel you are better than? SMH!

We are all trying to be helpful here, and to relate different experiences so that we can learn from each other. If you have nothing other than insults to contribute, please go post on the other DCUM boards where this kind of behavior is enjoyed and expected.

I can post on whichever board I like, thank you. And if I see something I think is awful, I'm not the kind of person to sit silently while the person thinks everyone agrees with them. I think asking your APs guests to cook a meal from their country for you so you feel "paid back" is really atrocious behavior. If someone made such a request of you, would you not feel obligated to do so? And their daughter/niece/whatever is already your "help". You don't think they feel inferior enough? Now you want them to cook for you?

[Anonymous]

Not to take this thread in a different direction but how common is it to host family members from abroad? I've never heard of anyone doing this. Hosting other au pair friends is one thing but having a bunch of the au pair's relatives visit for a free vacation is just over the top.