Mediocre AP and I don't thinks she's growing to improve - stick it out?

[Anonymous]

Our third AP has been with us for 6 months. She was never fantastic, but after she made friends it became very clear to us that she's too immature to treat being an AP like a job and would be trying to get out of or complaining subtly about working. Honestly she's fine with the kids - I think they really like her. But suffice it to say that she does the bare minimum, is always complaining about being too tired, etc. she works 25 hours a week. She has no chores.

I fault myself a lot because I don't think I was clear in my expectations in the beginning and I definitely didn't address my concerns. As they arose. Instead Let things go so she probably thought I was ok with them. We had a talk this week about some things but she had an answer to everything and her immaturity became even more clear.

I'm not sure what to do. She's very nice and we have 6 months left. But her laziness and inability to put the kids' needs first during the few hours she works every day is driving me slowly insane. I can see it getting to a point three month from now where I just snap. I'm somewhat counting on other host moms to get where I am right now mentally on this. It is so so stressful to be worrying that your kids aren't well taken care of and to not feel like you know what to do about it.

Any suggestions? She's just not going to be a great AP and is going to take continued micromanaging for the rest of the year. Just deal with it? Try to talk to her more and make her understand?

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same situation as you and I stuck it out. I have less than two months left to go and I am HATING EVERY MIN of it! I say get rid of her now. It’s not going to get better, only worse. I’m at the point where I’ve snapped and I can’t stand to be around her. I noticed that every time I told her things that she was doing wrong she would tell me okay to my face then go out of her way to NOT do what I asked. She also does the bare minimum and it drives me crazy. I worry about the lousy childcare she is giving my children daily. LET HER GO ASAP and save yourself the stress. AP's are supposed to be a help not extra aggravation.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. that's what I'm afraid of. The question is how do I get to a point where I'm initiating rematch without blind siding her? She's knows I'm not thrilled with her performance but definitely doesn't know just how dissatisfied I am. I mentioned that I know I've let things slide in the past thinking they were one time things that then became standard. I most definitely wish I had addressed the issues right from the beginning but I always have her an excuse - she's only been here a few months, etc.

And I just had a talk with her this week that ended on a good note so I thought she got it. But days later she's doing similar things. She is the type of AP that I would say to please not do one thing so shed start doing a very similar thing instead and wouldn't get the connection - if have to literally write out how I wanted every single day to go.

[Anonymous]

Sorry about all the typos

[Anonymous]

I would schedule a meeting with the LCC to discuss, and then if things don't get better she won't be blind-sided by the rematch request. My LCC says that about 30% of families re-match each year, which seems high to me but maybe not. Regardless, you will hardly be the first ones to do it. And your AP will probably love seeing another part of the country with a new family.

I posted another thread - our rematch was so quick that our old AP was actually able to train the new one for 3 days before leaving. But we didn't have a hostile AP, luckily.

[Anonymous]

I'm with ya OP. I'm 7 months in. My AP just told me the other night that she feels uncomfortable with our family situation and wants to go home early (in beginning of August, instead of July).

I'm the OP of the grumpy AP thread on here. I found out after talking to her that she doesn't like all the 'free time' she has (my kids are in school and then spend some evenings with their father --I'm divorced), and feels like all she does is chores and laundry for the kids, instead of playing with them. But then, she's never around for bedtime or helping beyond what's she's scheduled for. She's OUT THE DOOR as soon as she's off...

She also does the minimum and I have to constantly micromanage her to get things done.

I really just want her gone now, but I think having the time to interview new APs and stuff will be fine.

Rematching after 6 months is hard...not many want to rematch for a little period. Decide quickly.

[Anonymous]

If you are having this much worry and headache about the care your children are getting, you should not stick it out. What we've learned from our two re-match experiences is that there are GREAT au pairs out there; you do not have to suffer through something that isn't working for your family because the AP seems "nice."

I think the previous poster had a good suggestion about how not to "blind-side." You have had discussions with her, so the AP knows you have not been consistently satisfied with her performance. I'd tell the whole story to the LCC- so she understands that you have tried and are not being unreasonable - and ask her to join in a "shape up or ship out" conversation with you and the AP, explicitly letting her know that you WILL initiate rematch if you do not see improvement within __ week(s) [however much time you are willing to give it]. Personally, I would not give it too long, because you are just setting yourself up for more weeks of worrying and angst about this. Give the AP a chance to talk and air her side of the story - this way it will be clear that you are considering her point of view.

We have small children and our APs work hard - the whole 45 hours every week. We have had APs who could handle this, and others who could not. Your AP works 25 hours and complains and can't live up to the job? This is not what the program is for.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP and I really appreciate all the comments. We had two great APs before this one, so I think I got complacent and just figured she would be great too, so I let things slide. I didn't realize that rematching after 6 months would be difficult - because you can only match with rematch girls that want to stay only 6 months?

11:59 - I almost wish our AP would say she was uncomfortable with us and wanted to leave early. Obviously it's easier said than done, but I feel like if she said that, I'd tell her to please leave early, as in now. You don't want to pay someone to hang out with your kids who has professed her discomfort. Any reason you're hanging in there for the summer? Just because it's not such a long time?

I'm going to email our LCC just to give her a confidential heads up that we're not thrilled. I also don't think I'll ever have an AP start out with so few hours. There are weeks she's worked 20 hours and it's just not been enough structure for her to keep busy. We'll need her more over the summer, but I will definitely not be expecting anyone else to work so little time.

I think it almost contributed to her laziness - she literally will sleep or be on her computer all day until she has the kids in the afternoon. Maaaaybe she'll drive to meet her friend at Starbucks for an hour. I want to scream "you are in a great city totally free of responsibilities and you have literally all day until 3pm to do whatever you want and you use it to sleep, sit in Starbucks, and Skype with friends back home??"

She also goes out until really really late at night, I assume because she doesn't need to wake up at all the next morning, and I think that's contributing to her fatigue during the day - she's always complaining that she didn't sleep well and doesn't feel good. I was hoping she'd use all that free time to check out the city or go to class or something. But I think it's just aided her laziness.

This has definitely been a learning year for me.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm just read over that last post and it sounds kind mean. I apologize. Again, I'm hoping there are host parents out there that see the mental state I'm in with this. Obviously she can do whatever she wants with her free time. But I think it's telling of her overall personality that she sleeps/Skypes all day instead of exploring the city and making friends - she displays similar initiative and excitement with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm just read over that last post and it sounds kind mean. I apologize. Again, I'm hoping there are host parents out there that see the mental state I'm in with this. Obviously she can do whatever she wants with her free time. But I think it's telling of her overall personality that she sleeps/Skypes all day instead of exploring the city and making friends - she displays similar initiative and excitement with the kids.

No mean at all. I totally get your frustration. I posted earlier (second post on this thread). My AP is near a great city too but she spends it holed up in her room and it drives me mad! GO OUT, EXPLORE!! Do you know what I would do if I had the opportunity? Its so frustrating to watch. As i said, for me its less than two more months and I am COUNTING THE DAYS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and I really appreciate all the comments. We had two great APs before this one, so I think I got complacent and just figured she would be great too, so I let things slide. I didn't realize that rematching after 6 months would be difficult - because you can only match with rematch girls that want to stay only 6 months?

11:59 - I almost wish our AP would say she was uncomfortable with us and wanted to leave early. Obviously it's easier said than done, but I feel like if she said that, I'd tell her to please leave early, as in now. You don't want to pay someone to hang out with your kids who has professed her discomfort. Any reason you're hanging in there for the summer? Just because it's not such a long time?

I'm going to email our LCC just to give her a confidential heads up that we're not thrilled. I also don't think I'll ever have an AP start out with so few hours. There are weeks she's worked 20 hours and it's just not been enough structure for her to keep busy. We'll need her more over the summer, but I will definitely not be expecting anyone else to work so little time.

I think it almost contributed to her laziness - she literally will sleep or be on her computer all day until she has the kids in the afternoon. Maaaaybe she'll drive to meet her friend at Starbucks for an hour. I want to scream "you are in a great city totally free of responsibilities and you have literally all day until 3pm to do whatever you want and you use it to sleep, sit in Starbucks, and Skype with friends back home??"

She also goes out until really really late at night, I assume because she doesn't need to wake up at all the next morning, and I think that's contributing to her fatigue during the day - she's always complaining that she didn't sleep well and doesn't feel good. I was hoping she'd use all that free time to check out the city or go to class or something. But I think it's just aided her laziness.

This has definitely been a learning year for me.

I don't think it sounds mean; you are frustrated, and our experience has been that the APs who show no interest in exploring their new city and making new friends show deficiencies in childcare tasks as well. Generally, it seems that a happy, well-rounded, socially-engaged AP is a better AP. It's hard to show cheerfulness and initiative at work when you aren't happy in your outside life.

On the difficulty of the 6 months left rematch - it may be hard to find someone who only has six months left, but that actually doesn't limit you; if you were going to get another AP after this one anyway, you could get an AP who is in rematch after just one or two months, and then you would have that AP for her remaining ten months (plus extension if that works out). Or if you only wanted 6 more months, there may be extension (not rematch) APs available soon who are only looking for a six month extension. There are lots of possibilities.

[Anonymous]

It's hard when you had gotten used to a great AP and then your new one comes along.

I do understand how you find yourself in this predicament after 6 months. My first AP was a gem. I never had any qualms about the care she was giving my DDs. She really loved them and they loved her back. That was obvious. She was more of a homebody and at least partly due to having a serious boyfriend back home suffered from quite a bit of homesickness (which called on me to mother her somewhat) and only got more adventurous and out of the house toward the end. So, she wasn't perfect but she really was a gem. When AP2 started, the difference was apparent that she was not homesick and not going to be hanging around at home constantly - which is what we wanted after some time dealing with homesickness in the beginning with AP1. But, there wasn't the same affectionate connection with DDs. I figured that my DDs were new to her and she was new to DDs. Plus they were probably suffering a bit from missing beloved AP1. Still, I had the gut feeling that AP2 was just more distant and was not going to be a great AP - "fine" but not great. My DH told me that I was expecting too much, as of course there's a learning curve and it's unfair to compare AP2 in month 1 or 2 to AP1 as she was by the end of a year. Thing is, we're now in month 5 and my gut feeling is playing out exactly as I thought it would. I think AP2 is fine. I don't worry about the care. But she doesn't hold a candle to AP1. That's OK, I'm definitely not considering rematch but while I had initially hoped to get an AP who would extend (because the goodbye with AP1 was so hard), I'm now thinking about calling it quits at one year. We'll see how things pan out over the next few months.

So long story to say how I understand how 6 months have gone by and you find yourself considering rematch at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard when you had gotten used to a great AP and then your new one comes along.

I do understand how you find yourself in this predicament after 6 months. My first AP was a gem. I never had any qualms about the care she was giving my DDs. She really loved them and they loved her back. That was obvious. She was more of a homebody and at least partly due to having a serious boyfriend back home suffered from quite a bit of homesickness (which called on me to mother her somewhat) and only got more adventurous and out of the house toward the end. So, she wasn't perfect but she really was a gem. When AP2 started, the difference was apparent that she was not homesick and not going to be hanging around at home constantly - which is what we wanted after some time dealing with homesickness in the beginning with AP1. But, there wasn't the same affectionate connection with DDs. I figured that my DDs were new to her and she was new to DDs. Plus they were probably suffering a bit from missing beloved AP1. Still, I had the gut feeling that AP2 was just more distant and was not going to be a great AP - "fine" but not great. My DH told me that I was expecting too much, as of course there's a learning curve and it's unfair to compare AP2 in month 1 or 2 to AP1 as she was by the end of a year. Thing is, we're now in month 5 and my gut feeling is playing out exactly as I thought it would. I think AP2 is fine. I don't worry about the care. But she doesn't hold a candle to AP1. That's OK, I'm definitely not considering rematch but while I had initially hoped to get an AP who would extend (because the goodbye with AP1 was so hard), I'm now thinking about calling it quits at one year. We'll see how things pan out over the next few months.

So long story to say how I understand how 6 months have gone by and you find yourself considering rematch at this point.

Thanks PP. I really appreciate this comment. You're right about the gut feeling thing - I KNEW in the first month what our issues were going to be. But it's hard to evaluate someone based on an assumption, so I just sort of let it go on and things kept slipping just a little about every day. Appreciate your understanding!

[Anonymous]

The rematch timeframe is based on the AP's schedule, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Rematch is a bit different with each agency. Out first au pair was "better" than what you describe, but still not great. She left us-- thus necessitating rematch. I wouldn't have rematched voluntarily-- but boy was I glad she forced us into it. It worked out FABULOUSLY for us. We're with APIA, and out LCC felt we had a "dud", and looked hard for a good au pair who had had it with her family (and found one). Out rematch au pair was SO awesome, and so thankful to be out of her prior situation.

So-- it won't get better. In fact, you can count on it getting worse. Rematch now. Get someone who wants to work and is happy for the opportunity.