How much is fair to give an AP for food?

[Anonymous]

We have previously done all the grocery shopping for our APs - we have list that she's welcome to add things to and then I pick them up when I go to the store. We're considering switching this for our next AP and just giving her a dollar amount each week or month in addition to her stipend. She would still be free to use the stuff we have in the kitchen (bread, eggs, milk, cereal, whatever we eat) so this would just be for her specific things. We also cook dinner every night which she is still welcome to join us for.

If you do it this way, can you let me know if it works? What the challenges are? Recommendations? And how much is a good amount?

[Anonymous]

There's no way we can give you an accurate range.

How much would you want for yourself?

[Anonymous]

I think it would be difficult to arrive at a fair number for this. Something that we do, in addition to having the AP add to our grocery list, which works fine, is telling the AP that if she wants to shop on her own at an ethnic/regional grocery store that carries more foods from her home country - and which we wouldn't normally go to ourselves, so those products are hard to add to our usual grocery list - she can do that and give us the receipt and we'll reimburse. Not all of our APs take us up on this (since it requires them to take on the task of shopping!), but those who have accepted the offer have all been fairly reasonable in their expenditures. We would re-evaluate if, say, an AP was doing this and asking us to reimburse her, e.g. $50 per week. Our APs who have done this have generally gone shopping maybe once a month and spent an average of $40 on each trip, mostly on non-perishables that are staple foods from their country that they like to have around, with maybe some special treats as well. Times that APs have spent more than that average would be when the AP has offered to make a special meal for the family from her country. We also have enjoyed our APs' ethnic cooking, and are happy to add those foods to our grocery expense so that she can make favorite foods for the kids (and us if we are lucky!) regularly - and then we consider it a family expense, not just AP-specific.

[Anonymous]

I think $25 a week would be fair if it's just for extras (snacks and things she specifically likes) but all of the basics would be covered. Now, if she adheres to a specific diet, i.e. Kosher or GF or whatever, that probably would not work as she might not be able to eat your food.

[Anonymous]

We don't do this, but I think in our household one of the challenges would be does that make it "her" food, so then having to sort out what my kids could have or not have. I prefer foods in our house to be available to all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't do this, but I think in our household one of the challenges would be does that make it "her" food, so then having to sort out what my kids could have or not have. I prefer foods in our house to be available to all.

I'm the OP and I hadn't considered this. Great point. I guess I'd have to have a shelf in the cupboard and fridge that's hers. I have o honk about this more. Originally I had gone into this thinking that I would provide them with basic items and anything we have on hand and they would be buying their own special stuff (sodas, special candies, etc). But I feel badly when I don't make it to the grocery store for a few days. I've said a number of times "if there's something you need today, let me give you my card and you can go get it." But she's never taken me up on it. So I thought rather than adding one more thing to my plate, I'd just give her a set amount.

I need to figure out how I want this to work and just be totally clear up front I think.

[Anonymous]

Hope she's used to pesticide food, lol.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's a good idea, OP. Even if you gave her a fair amount and she was able to buy the food she wanted, it really runs counter to the "host family" mentality. She is supposed to be living as a member of the family and as such, should partake of the family's groceries. It creates an awkward barrier to have her store HER food on HER shelf and feel like she can't help herself to that last string cheese in the fridge or whatever. It could really backfire on you, even though I think your intentions are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's a good idea, OP. Even if you gave her a fair amount and she was able to buy the food she wanted, it really runs counter to the "host family" mentality. She is supposed to be living as a member of the family and as such, should partake of the family's groceries. It creates an awkward barrier to have her store HER food on HER shelf and feel like she can't help herself to that last string cheese in the fridge or whatever. It could really backfire on you, even though I think your intentions are good.

I agree with this. I had a similar arrangement as a live-in nanny and while I think the intention was to allow me to have things that I specifically liked and was free to purchase them, it made me feel awkward about using anything outside of what I purchased with the stipend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's a good idea, OP. Even if you gave her a fair amount and she was able to buy the food she wanted, it really runs counter to the "host family" mentality. She is supposed to be living as a member of the family and as such, should partake of the family's groceries. It creates an awkward barrier to have her store HER food on HER shelf and feel like she can't help herself to that last string cheese in the fridge or whatever. It could really backfire on you, even though I think your intentions are good.

I agree with this. I had a similar arrangement as a live-in nanny and while I think the intention was to allow me to have things that I specifically liked and was free to purchase them, it made me feel awkward about using anything outside of what I purchased with the stipend.

Thanks for this. I hadn't considered it this way at all. My intention was to make her feel better about getting what she needs. Ok nevermind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope she's used to pesticide food, lol.

?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope she's used to pesticide food, lol.

?

Clean organic food usually costs more than pesticide food. Personally, I do my best to avoid eating pesticides.

[Anonymous]

We get around this by having the AP shop for the kids' food, family staples, and her desires. So far this has worked with 4 APs. Only one abused the situation, though not too outrageous. We really encourage AP to buy foods she enjoys. We also have a few rules: no snacking on leftovers as they get plowed back into family meals and call/text first if AP discovers something of interest in frig but doesn't know its purpose (e.g., is it just a random item or is the cornerstone of tonight's dinner?)

[Anonymous]

Your AP has to ask your permission before eating in what is also her home? smh..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your AP has to ask your permission before eating in what is also her home? smh..

I think you're just stirring up trouble, but that is obviously not what the PP said.