Continuing problem

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a long post so I apologize in advance. I posted here a couple of weeks ago about my wonderful nanny who had a lot of family issues going on and had called in to work at the last minute several times. She hasn't called in for a couple of weeks and we had a really good talk yesterday that she initiated because she didn't want me to think she didn't take this job seriously. She let me know that she really loves all of us and she apologized for letting her issues get in the way.

This morning, 40 minutes before she was supposed to be here, she called that her mother was in the hospital and she couldn't come (same thing happened a few weeks ago but then she called in the day before). As I said in my last post, we go through an agency so most of the time they can find a back up for me the night before. This time, because it was 7am, they couldn't find anyone for me until noon.

We have actually been out of town until last night so I had taken today off of work so that I could take care of some things. I had to cancel a couple of non-urgent appointments but nothing that was a big deal. I hadn't told the nanny yet that I wasn't working today though so she didn't know. Unfortunately, because of the nature of my job I CAN'T call in to work. If I miss work, I could lose my job. I don't think the nanny is really aware of this and so after this morning I planned to sit down with her again and explain that I HAVE to go to work and since we have no family in the area I have no backup if she can't make it at the last minute. I was going to ask if in the future she could at least come in for a few hours until we can make other arrangements.

Now I got a text from her saying her mother had a heart attack and I don't know what to say. I don't want to be the mean boss who says even under extenuating circumstances you have to come to work but I can't risk losing my job. As I also said in my previous post, she is the best nanny we've ever had and I really don't want to lose her. We are only going to be living here for 2 more months and then she plans to move with us. When we move we will have tons of family around to help in an emergency situation.

So now I don't know what to do. Find someone new for the next 2 months which won't be good for my kids since they love her (and I'd have to find someone else after we move) or talk to her about this and come across as a mean selfish person?

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, because of the nature of my job I CAN'T call in to work. If I miss work, I could lose my job.

OP when you posted before almost everyone warned you not to move forward with this nanny. If you really can not miss work, this nanny will not work for you. You keep wanting to make this work but sooner or later either or she will need to be fired. You have to stop trying to be the nice, likable mom and start being an employer. You already were honest with her at multiple points that you need someone who is reliable. Telling her again isn't going to change the situation. You need to part ways.

There are many nannies who are very reliable. You need one of these nannies. There are nanny jobs that don't mind an unreliable nanny. She needs one of those jobs.

[Anonymous]

Learn to listen to your gut, OP. Move on already. Don't be dumb.

[Anonymous]

How will she handle these emergency situations when you all move? I'm a nanny and I live six hours away from my family. There are times when I just have to grit my teeth and miss whatever the important situation is. Honestly I hate it, but I can run home every time or else I'd miss too much work

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny who lives away from my family. I am closest with my grandmother and this past year she has had some serious problems and was in ER a few times. I was always prepared to go home, but only if she was on her death bed. If I would have run home every time, my employers would have had no choice but to replace me. If I lived closer to my grandmother, I would have spent as much time with her as possible, though I would not have called in every time she went to hospital. Nanny/employer relationship is different than a typical job and there should be room for compassion on both sides. If my employers had a death on the family, I would do as much as possible to accommodate their needs. I do not work a typical 9-5 job. Having some leeway is appropriate. Although, as with any job, there is a limit! The question here is... Have these been emergency cases? Did she have to be there or could se have gone after work? Is she worried that her mother is going to die and she won't be there when it happens? If so, then how will she handle living away from her family?

[Anonymous]

You are not using the agency to your advantage. This is the best advantage of an agency - that you have coverage when your primary person is out. She needs to tell the agency honestly when/if she is available to work, but she can only work for you if she can guarantee she can be there. Obviously with a mother having a heart attack you want to be considerate. So you tell the agency that when "Jane" is available and confirmed she will always be your first choice but in the meantime you have zero margin left for time off/absences and must have someone else.

If she moves with you in two months fine, but if not you can/will find someone else. She may be a delightful person that your kids love but she is unreliable. Period. The reasons don't matter and they don't mean she is not well-intentioned but right now in her life she cannot provide one of the most basic things you require.

You're not a horrible person for getting what you need. Most nannies are great and will be loved by your kids. You can try again with this nanny in the future if you wish. But you know what you're dealing with at this point and it's up to you to take charge, not continue hand-wringing over the fact that you like her. She can't do the job you need. You have an agency to deal with this contingency.

Honestly, you've given it way more time, energy and emotion than you should have to give. Go call the agency.

[Anonymous]

Look at it this way, OP. If you lose your job, then you're going to have to fire your nanny anyway.

If you truly can't risk having to take time off of work, then that's what it is. You have to act in the best interests of your family, and presumably that includes you remaining employed. Of course things happen and no one can guarantee no last-minute call-outs, but this nanny, however good she might be, just has a lot going on in her life right now, and that just may make her ill-suited for your family.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having one last conversation. But be brutally honest and ask her to be as well. Tell her that if you have to miss work because she calls out at the last minute, you could lose your job, and then she'll lose hers. Ask her if she can commit to coming in each day, no matter what, until the agency can find a replacement, or if, because of what's going on in her life right now, this just isn't the best job for her. Definitely ask her if she has a plan for dealing with all these family emergencies once she moves with you and, if so, why she can't put that plan into effect now.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at it this way, OP. If you lose your job, then you're going to have to fire your nanny anyway.

If you truly can't risk having to take time off of work, then that's what it is. You have to act in the best interests of your family, and presumably that includes you remaining employed. Of course things happen and no one can guarantee no last-minute call-outs, but this nanny, however good she might be, just has a lot going on in her life right now, and that just may make her ill-suited for your family.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having one last conversation. But be brutally honest and ask her to be as well. Tell her that if you have to miss work because she calls out at the last minute, you could lose your job, and then she'll lose hers. Ask her if she can commit to coming in each day, no matter what, until the agency can find a replacement, or if, because of what's going on in her life right now, this just isn't the best job for her. Definitely ask her if she has a plan for dealing with all these family emergencies once she moves with you and, if so, why she can't put that plan into effect now.

Good luck.

Great advice PP. I wish you luck OP. As a nanny, I think it's in the best interest of your family to find a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

This is going to implode. I'll bet the day before you move she tells you she's changing her mind and is no longer moving with you.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just call the agency and tell them you need someone who's more reliable for the next two months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just call the agency and tell them you need someone who's more reliable for the next two months?

Exactly. I don't understand the drama. You're using an agency. They send a replacement. Your kids adjust.

Done.