"Don't tell mom and dad"

[Anonymous]

That last forum about losing a child got me thinking (and worried). Nannies, have you EVER urged a child to keep anything from their parents? It just seems so sleevy, dangerous and WRONG to me. Even when we're planning a gift/surprise for MB and DB I'm very careful about the words I use with the kids and remind them that the ONLY time we keep secrets from mom and dad is when it's a fun surprise/present and if they accidentally spill the beans it's ok. I would hate to think I was training the child to listen to other (possibly dangerous) adults instructing them to keep secrets from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Secrets from parents/guardians are not good.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but nothing bad, like a mistake on my part or something like that. It's usually been a present or something that we've been planning for the parents and I had to urge the younger ones not to leak it.

Other than that, I teach my charges not to keep secrets from their parents or me even if another grown up tells them something.

[Anonymous]

It's very important for children to learn the difference between secrets and surprises. Secrets shouldn't be kept from their parents. This is so important because an abuser will tell a child that it's a secret and kids need to know this isn't ok. Surprises are good things that don't make you sad or comfortable, like presents.

So no, I would never ask a child to keep something a secret from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Of course not.

Appreciate PP's distinction between secrets and surprises - a good way of explaining it to kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course not.

Appreciate PP's distinction between secrets and surprises - a good way of explaining it to kids.

Thank you. I have been trained in child abuse and used to present child abuse prevention programs to grade school classrooms. This is how we explained the difference between secrets and surprises. It's so important for kids to learn the tools to protect themselves. It's a passionate topic for me. I am strongly against a caregiver encouraging a child to keep a secret from her parents, even if it doesn't seem like a big deal. No caregiver should ever be laying the groundwork for a child to think they should keep secrets from Mom and Dad.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP about secrets and surprises.

Secrets are not good!

[Anonymous]

Never!! Just with cute surprises or gifts for the parents. But let's be serious...most kids will spill the beans about it no matter what it is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very important for children to learn the difference between secrets and surprises. Secrets shouldn't be kept from their parents. This is so important because an abuser will tell a child that it's a secret and kids need to know this isn't ok. Surprises are good things that don't make you sad or comfortable, like presents.

So no, I would never ask a child to keep something a secret from their parents.

Agree with this.

I would never think to tell a child toile or hide something from a parent. So dangerous and unacceptable. I'd fire a nanny on the spot for this if it were my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never!! Just with cute surprises or gifts for the parents. But let's be serious...most kids will spill the beans about it no matter what it is!

LOL! Plus one on this for sure! And I never tell them "don't tell Mommy about the card we made her." I am careful to say, "Don't tell Mommy until her birthday!" I want itto be clear that I would never keep something from them indefinitely, although the kids usually tell them inadvertantly, e.g., "I got new stickers and I'm not telling you about the project we made until your birthday!"