Getting so frustrated....

[Anonymous]

I have been working a job for a couple months now with a 3 and 4 year old and I'm having a lot of issues trying to get these kids to listen to me. Their response to about any rule I try to set is "our mom lets us do this". They are transitioning from having a SAHM to me and I completely understand this is going to take some time and my response has consistently been "I am not your mom and you need to follow my rules when I am here." Examples range from me trying to get them to hold my hand while we are in a parking lot to trying to get them to actually sit in their chairs while they eat instead of stand in them or sit on the table. I am getting the feeling their mom just isn't very strict with them. I have asked her if she has any tips on getting them to listen to me better and she said she would think on it. I am feeling the kids are starting to not like me as much because of these rules I am trying to get them to follow. I'm getting to the point where if they say "well our our mom lets us do this" one more time I am going to pull my hair out. Any tips?

[Anonymous]

I think you and MB need to be working together on this. She may be way more laid back, or she may not know how to set limits. Maybe you could outline for her some of what you'd like to teach them and see if she agrees. (Hard to argue w/ holding hands in a parking lot for safety, or sitting in their chairs!)

See if she agrees w/ what you'd like to teach. Then, if yes, tell her how you would like to start working on it and ask her if she would be willing to help reinforce it. Start w/ one rule at a time so she isn't overwhelmed and when you have some success try to build on that.

If she doesn't agree w/ you that's a different problem and it might be a tough case. But my hunch is she may be overwhelmed and not know how to teach something different. She might be absolutely thrilled if you can approach it gently enough that she doesn't feel like you're questioning her parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

She might be absolutely thrilled if you can approach it gently enough that she doesn't feel like you're questioning her parenting skills.

This is good but I would be direct and specific, rather than asking MB for general tips. Give her the very examples you gave us and ask her if it's true that she allows it. If not, get out the switch (just kidding). If yes, you've a decision to make for yourself. I am as laid back as anyone but could not stand to be around children allowed to do as they please in whatever situation.

[Anonymous]

Op here and thanks for the advice, another instance is the kids are constantly trying to climb up the outer side of the stairs holding onto the railing and this is over the hard wood floor. I know the mom allows this because I've seen them do it when she is there. This is one thing I do not let them do because it scares me that they may fall and crack their heads. If this happens when mom is there it's on thing but I feel it is completely different if it were to happen when I'm on duty. Telling the kids they can't do this when I am there has not gone over well, and I feel like it is really messing with my relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

So many parents today have absolutely no idea how to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and thanks for the advice, another instance is the kids are constantly trying to climb up the outer side of the stairs holding onto the railing and this is over the hard wood floor. I know the mom allows this because I've seen them do it when she is there. This is one thing I do not let them do because it scares me that they may fall and crack their heads. If this happens when mom is there it's on thing but I feel it is completely different if it were to happen when I'm on duty. Telling the kids they can't do this when I am there has not gone over well, and I feel like it is really messing with my relationship with them.

I totally remember climbing on the outer side of the stairs as a kid, along with sliding down the rail, sliding down the steps (sometimes on my butt and sometimes in a box), jumping off of furniture, and so much more dangerous but fun things! Of course, my mother didn't allow it, we just did it when she wasn't around/looking.

Anyway, I agree with PPs. You need to sit down with your MB and discuss these issues with her, and come to an agreement on how you both can work together for the mutual benefit of the children. Yes, it is one thing if a parent allows their children to engage in "dangerous" activities while on their watch because, well, it's their child and, in the unfortunate event that their child is injured, they're really not accountable to anyone. You, on the other hand, will be accountable when the children are injured in your care. So I understand that frustration. The sooner you two discuss this and begin to work on these issues, the better. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Stop letting the kids walk all over you! Get down on their level (literally) and tell them why what they are doing is wrong and what the consequence is if it keeps happening (especially safety related). Discipline them accordingly when they don't listen. For the first few weeks they will resist/cry/yell but if you persist they will start to respect you.

[Anonymous]

PP I have been a nanny for many years and I know how to properly discipline charges which is what I've been doing. I'm getting frustrated because I feel like I'm alone in setting rules. I will try to talk to the mom again about it though, last time I didn't push to hard and I think she just blew me off.

[Anonymous]

By 3 and 4 I've found that kids are generally old enough to understand WHY you and their mom have different rules. Especially considering most of these are safety concerns, and ones that a parent may reasonably be willing to risk with their child, but a nanny won't. So after asking them to stop and getting the "but mom lets us!" response, I usually say something along the lines of "I know mommy may allow this, but sometimes mommies and nannies have different rules, and while you're with me, you are not allowed to do X."

I find that it's actually a pretty important lesson to be learning, as it happens pretty frequently that in different social environments the rules DO change (ie. you wouldn't expect every single rule they have at home to apply at kindergarten or vice versa), so the more adaptable they learn to be, the better.