Bossy Big Sister

[Anonymous]

I'm at a loss. I nanny for a 6 year-old girl who has two younger sisters. She is very bossy (I know this is normal), but I get annoyed with her because she pulls the woe is me card after she gets in trouble. For example, she had a rough day yesterday which resulted in a lot of "time to herself". She pushes, hits, and screams if her younger sisters are not playing the way she wants them to. MB told me today that the older charge cried at bedtime (after they talked to her behavior) because she always gets in trouble and she feels like a "mean" sister. Apparently she woke her Mom up in the middle of the night crying because she's "bad" too.

She never pulls the crying and feeling sorry for herself when she is with me, only with her parents and then buy into it. When I correct her, I never tell her that she is bad. I let her know that her choices are wrong and I know she can make better ones. I always over praise when I see her making great choices. They get frustrated with her too (they're well aware of her ways) but pull back on correcting her when she turns on the water works.

Am I wrong for feeling like she's playing them?
Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Am I being too stern?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

You do your job. Let the parents do theirs, or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do your job. Let the parents do theirs, or not.

+1

Some nannies are all about advising parents on what to do - and some parents appreciate that. I am of the mind that as long as I run things well when I'm working, what they do when I'm off is none of my business. Even when they explicitly ask me what they should do, I only ever say, "What I do is XYZ and I notice ABC result."

[Anonymous]

OP, here - I think the missing part here is that it totally affects my day. I think she continues to push and scream at her sisters etc because her parents basically allow it when I am not around and they play into her little mind game.

She is still bossy around me but I follow through with my punishment. Her parents do not.

When raising and working with children - everyone needs to be on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm at a loss. I nanny for a 6 year-old girl who has two younger sisters. She is very bossy (I know this is normal), but I get annoyed with her because she pulls the woe is me card after she gets in trouble. For example, she had a rough day yesterday which resulted in a lot of "time to herself". She pushes, hits, and screams if her younger sisters are not playing the way she wants them to. MB told me today that the older charge cried at bedtime (after they talked to her behavior) because she always gets in trouble and she feels like a "mean" sister. Apparently she woke her Mom up in the middle of the night crying because she's "bad" too.

She never pulls the crying and feeling sorry for herself when she is with me, only with her parents and then buy into it. When I correct her, I never tell her that she is bad. I let her know that her choices are wrong and I know she can make better ones. I always over praise when I see her making great choices. They get frustrated with her too (they're well aware of her ways) but pull back on correcting her when she turns on the water works.

Am I wrong for feeling like she's playing them?
Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Am I being too stern?

Thanks!

OP if I were you, I would keep a lookout for a new job. She may just be manipulating the parents to get you out the door. Do the parents discipline their child at all?

[Anonymous]

I have the same exact situation!! 6-yr-old girl with two younger sisters....she is totally bossy, wants to get her way all the time and is VERY dependent and needy of me/my time and focus.

She has gotten a little better since I started almost a yr ago, but her attitude is just so bad (and annoying) sometimes that it truly takes a lot for me to have patience with her.

No advice, so to speak, but your op just sounded so familiar that i had to say so! (oh, and her parents do not discipline effectively at all, also)

[Anonymous]

OP, just keep doing what you're doing. If the little girl is being mean and bossy, continue to have her go in the other room. However, 'pick your battles' as they call it. Only apprehend her if she's being intentially hurtful (either physically or emotionally hurting her sisters/you.) -- She's only 6 so now is the time to do it. If not, she will become a monster in a few years. If you continue to do a great job and set guidelines, she will eventually realize that how shes acting is not acceptable.

As for the parents, well, they are the parents and will continue to do things their way. It's how they're comfortable doing it. If they spoil her and let her get away with being mean to her sisters well, so be it! Continue praising the little girl when she's being good, and continue sending her in ''timeout'' when she's being a brat! Lol.

[Anonymous]

Let go of the resentment you feel. You may not consciously admit it but I can sense that you may feel some animosity towards her. She is a child, you are an adult. She is not at a point in her development that she can express her emotions maturely. She will lash out, kick, and feel sorry for herself because her needs aren't being met.

I don't agree with time outs. If she's hitting or being abusive you need to calmly explain to her that this behaviour is unnacceptable. She needs to understand that it hurts and scares the little ones. You need to guide her gently to express her emotions in a safe way. The intervention has to start before she starts lashing out.

[Anonymous]

Is she getting enough sleep? Is she in full-day school?

I agree that you are not handling this well. You need to be proactive. When she comes home, engage in a transitional activity that makes her feel loved and connected. This might be a special snack made just for her, a story and snuggle while sisters play in the next room, playing a board game she loves--it depends on what makes her feel cared for. After this, do something with the younger sibs that builds a connection for all three--I suggest a follow-the-leader type of game that lets her address her bossiness through play. Let her go first and be the boss, then let younger siblings have a turn. Before playing, discuss with her what you want to see ("I need you to listen to your sisters and take turns") along with positive consequence for compliance ("If we can play Simon says together with no fighting, I will let you choose the next game") and a negative consequence for bad behavior ("If there is fighting, we will have to play seperately").

In general, work on teaching her about emotions. Make up stories with dolla or stuffed animals and let her practice navigating situations ("Mr. Potato head doesn't like how Barbie is playing their game. He wants to choose how to play! What should he do?") and talk about the emotions of characters in books or tv shows they watch with you. ("Merida did not like when her mom said she had to get married. Merida wants to make her own choice! She feels angry").

Right now you are just the person who invalidates her feelings (she's crying in the middle of the night because she's mnipulative? Uh, no.) and who citicizes and punishes her. Your job is to be a comforting presence that can give her tools to manage better and high expectations to live up to, along with empathy and forgiveness when she fails.

As for the parents, I would start a dialog and make this an ongoing discussion about how to help her to cope better. Maybe something like, "I've been thinking a lot about the situation with Larla. Obviously, she is really stressed about this, and I certainly don't want to make her unhappy. On the other hand, I think we can all agree that doing X, Y , and Z to her sisters is not acceptable. I am going to try to work on Larla by doingA, B, and C in the afternoons, but I think it would help her a lot if we were on the same page. What do you think about all this? How would you like me to address X, Y, and Z?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she getting enough sleep? Is she in full-day school?

I agree that you are not handling this well. You need to be proactive. When she comes home, engage in a transitional activity that makes her feel loved and connected. This might be a special snack made just for her, a story and snuggle while sisters play in the next room, playing a board game she loves--it depends on what makes her feel cared for. After this, do something with the younger sibs that builds a connection for all three--I suggest a follow-the-leader type of game that lets her address her bossiness through play. Let her go first and be the boss, then let younger siblings have a turn. Before playing, discuss with her what you want to see ("I need you to listen to your sisters and take turns") along with positive consequence for compliance ("If we can play Simon says together with no fighting, I will let you choose the next game") and a negative consequence for bad behavior ("If there is fighting, we will have to play seperately").

In general, work on teaching her about emotions. Make up stories with dolla or stuffed animals and let her practice navigating situations ("Mr. Potato head doesn't like how Barbie is playing their game. He wants to choose how to play! What should he do?") and talk about the emotions of characters in books or tv shows they watch with you. ("Merida did not like when her mom said she had to get married. Merida wants to make her own choice! She feels angry").

Right now you are just the person who invalidates her feelings (she's crying in the middle of the night because she's mnipulative? Uh, no.) and who citicizes and punishes her. Your job is to be a comforting presence that can give her tools to manage better and high expectations to live up to, along with empathy and forgiveness when she fails.

As for the parents, I would start a dialog and make this an ongoing discussion about how to help her to cope better. Maybe something like, "I've been thinking a lot about the situation with Larla. Obviously, she is really stressed about this, and I certainly don't want to ake her unhappy. On the other hand, I think we can all agree that doing X, Y , and Z to her sisters is not acceptable. I am going to try to work on Larla by doingA, B, and C in the afternoons, but I think it would help her a lot if we were on the same page. What do you think about all this? How would you like me to address X, Y, and Z?"

Op here,

I acutally do not resent her? However you can tell that I do is beyond me. I am annoyed Bc I know she is a very sweet girl (which I tell her many many times a day) and I know she can do better. I am annoyed that her parents feed into her manipulating -they're only making it worse.

I do not criticize her! But I will put my foot down when she is mistreating her siblings. Her ways are slowly starting to rub off on her sisters and I feel like this is something they needs to be nipped in the bud now before all three girls behave the same way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the PP who said Im in a similar situation. However, I actually think I AM starting to resent the 6-yr-old! Seriously, I know that is wrong, and I know that I need to take steps to figure out a solution b/c clearly I am the adult here, but it can be so hard when she acts the way she does. I guess my question is, how much can a 6-yr-old really manipulate/be aware of other's emotions and social etiquette? Because for instance, we have been working on gracefulness with my 6-yr-old DC, so if I get her some candy or whatever the little treat may be, and she acts bratty and doesn't say thank you/whines that she wanted something else instead, how should I handle that? Is that typical 6-yr-old behavior or is that unacceptable? I am by no means completely inexperienced as a nanny, but I am relatively new to nannying for this age group and am not as knowledgeable of what my standards should be for her behavior.