"Disciplining" a two-year-old

[Anonymous]

I'm a young nanny and this is my first full-time nannying job. I work about 40 hours a week plus I attend school online (I know, I know...but it saves on gas). I've been with this family for about 18 months since right before the youngest was born and the oldest was almost a year old. I love them to bits but I am having some issues with discipline. They both are at the age where they are pushing boundaries, especially the two-year-old. He is a very high-strung child, and get's overly upset when frustrated. He has a lot of issues with lashing out physically, he will bite, pinch, scratch and hit when frustrated or upset. I know what triggers him, and I know how to remove him from situations so he can cool down, but once he's started having tantrums it's like a slow fall downhill. There is no stopping him till he calms himself down, intervening makes him more upset. Usually I just let him scream and throw himself around as long as he isn't hurting himself or anyone else, but when he does hurt others (mainly little sister) he is put in a "time-out" chair. We do the whole "a minute per age" and honestly it does not work. He will sit there, and just pitifully cry, it breaks my heart because I can tell these aren't crocodile tears. It also tears apart his mother, which is why she usually only puts him in for a few seconds and then hugs and kisses him. I feel like this is the root of some of the problems. She may have guilt that she isn't with him 24/7 so makes up for it by being passive about his behavior. I feel like this puts me in an unpleasant situation. I don't mind being the bad guy, but now it seems like he knows that the time-outs won't mean anything, so he keeps up the bad behavior. Is their an alternative to time-out for him? How can I calm him down, and let him know that acting out in violence is not acceptable?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

If to doesn't work, try taking away something else that will make a greater impact. Try to earn a sticker, cookie, or whatever, and if he doesn't follow your directions he doesn't earn it. But make sure the guidelines are lenient enough at first that he starts out being successful otherwise it won't do anything. And I'd say the direction would be the warning, like remind him before playing that that's not how we play, and if he does it he gets one warning. If he stops he gets a sticker or something. If not, consequence. Take a toy away, lose an outing, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Ever hear of the book, "Punished by Rewards"?

[Anonymous]

It alright to let him cry. When that happens, I very calmly say something like, "It's not fun to sit in time-out, is it? Next time, [do such-and-such, behave nicely, etc.] and you will be able to keep playing and having fun." I speak very calmly and not too loud. Sometimes the kid will stop crying just to hear what I'm saying. As a consequence, the kids listen to me much more than to the parents. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is.

I recently read somewhere that many tantrums are the result of the child not yet having the verbal capacity to express themselves. I've started verbalize what they seem to be going through in order to acknowledge that I know where they are coming from. "I know you want that toy. But Suzie is playing with it now. You can have it when she's done. It's tough to wait, but you'll get a turn." or "You want a cookie now, but it's too close to dinner. If you eat your dinner, then you'll get dessert. If you don't like the veggies, just eat them first so you will be done." I don't know if it works for every kid, but it does for my charges.