New charge "just doesn't like me".

[Anonymous]

I started a new FT position about 7 weeks ago, three children, two school aged and one toddler. The younger two (2 and 5yrs) seem to really have adjusted well to me, and I've already started bonding. The eldest (boy, age 8) has high functioning autism (Aspergers) and has made it clear he does not like me. The boy is VERY smart, almost too smart, and a relatively well mannered boy. He is pretty obedient, get's his work done, has never been vicious or aggressive towards me, he just doesn't like me. I've worked with children on the autism spectrum before and know they aren't the best at adjusting to new situations, so when he was withdrawn I just assumed it would take him awhile. About a week in I asked him if he wanted to help cook with the rest of us and he said "no", I asked him why and he said "I just don't like you", in a very matter of factly sort of way, not malicious at all. I was a bit taken back, but his mother had discussed with me that he has issues with knowing what is and what is not polite to say, he is just a very frank child. I asked why, if I had done something to upset him, he said no but that "our personalities just clash" (yes, a 2nd grader told me this!). I said ok, and let him carry on with what he was doing. I told MB about the incident (she is a single mom) and she seemed irritated, told me not to take it to heart, and that she'll talk to him. I told her I'd try to fix the issues with him by myself, for one I felt like if she got onto him about the incident he'd have even harsher feelings towards me, and also I don't think he did anything "bad", he was just being honest. I talked to him last week and he told me that the two of us have nothing in common, that I don't appreciate his intererests (he is VERY into anime and his bug collection, I thought I faked my interest pretty well. He told me it was "nothing personal" but that he'd prefer to "have limited contact with me" (seriously). I again, was kind of taken back, he was very frank, I've never met anyone so straightforward, especially a young child. So this past weekend I spent my free Saturday trying to educate myself about insects and Nurato, and took my new skills to work this week, he still doesn't seem to care for me, I'm kind of hurt. Is this a fixable situation? Will he eventually grow "like" me, or is it a loss cause? Is it really fair for me to stay in this job if he doesn't like me, for his sake? What about me, it's hard knowing someone doesn't like you, especially a child you spend so much time with. Should I let it go, what do I do, never have been in a situation where a child doesn't like me (besides the 5 minutes they are in time-out.)

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you would get better answers if you post this question on an autism message board. Because many people don't fully understand the disorder and will just guesses at what you would've done, should've done or should do..

Just remember, this has nothing to do with you and yes, in real life some people don't mesh well together but this is a second grade child. Children without autism would easily accept you and forgive no matter how many times they're upset. But this child, like I said, has a different way of thinking.

Ask yourself this.. Does he act this way when someone comes over? (and not a relative).. Is he very happy and sociable with his siblings? Does he focus on his bug collection and ignore whats going on around him? .. If my (non-autisic) child said this to you, I'd be concerned as to why. This mother wasn't concerned and knew it was him and not you.

[Anonymous]

Would you really leave the position just because one of the 3 charges (who is older and might be getting past the stage of wanting to bond with adults in a play situation) isn't taking to you? For what it is worth, he probably wouldn't connect with anyone very well. I think that as long as he is not rude to you (in a malicious manner) and he does what he needs to, that it is fine. You ARE bonding with the other 2 younger charges and that is what matters.

I understand how it can feel, I work with a 7 yr old in 2nd grade as well, he has not been diagnosed with aspergers but displays many of the same traits. While he can be very frank and at times say he doesn't like me, he also really does care about me deep inside and shows this to his mom much more than to me, when I am not around. I have been with him PT for a year, moved in with them 8 months ago. He can be hard to handle at times, sweet at others, and doesn't understand boundaries at all. But I know that I make a difference in his life, and that while he might say things when he is upset - that he would be more upset if I left.

He doesn't need to become best buddies with you, and it would be better to not push things with him. He will know that you are trying to learn more about anime to get closer to him. He would rather see you maybe learn more from him, than watch or read some on your own time and then show to him what you know.

[Anonymous]

If I were in your position here's what I would do. "Thank you for your honesty; I really appreciate it. The reality is, it's my job to take care of you when I'm here. If you want limited contact with me, I will try to respect your wishes, as long as you are staying safe and doing everything you're supposed to. If we're ever doing something that intrigues you and you'd like to join us, or you need help with anything, please know you have an open invitation to do so. Deal?"

Then I'd give him his space. Once or twice a week I'd invite him to "help bake cookies" or "make a Valentine's Day card for Mom" but would respect when he says no thank you as long as he says it politely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your position here's what I would do. "Thank you for your honesty; I really appreciate it. The reality is, it's my job to take care of you when I'm here. If you want limited contact with me, I will try to respect your wishes, as long as you are staying safe and doing everything you're supposed to. If we're ever doing something that intrigues you and you'd like to join us, or you need help with anything, please know you have an open invitation to do so. Deal?"

Then I'd give him his space. Once or twice a week I'd invite him to "help bake cookies" or "make a Valentine's Day card for Mom" but would respect when he says no thank you as long as he says it politely.

This 100%

[Anonymous]

He soundsike a budding Adam Lanza.

[nannydebsays]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your position here's what I would do. "Thank you for your honesty; I really appreciate it. The reality is, it's my job to take care of you when I'm here. If you want limited contact with me, I will try to respect your wishes, as long as you are staying safe and doing everything you're supposed to. If we're ever doing something that intrigues you and you'd like to join us, or you need help with anything, please know you have an open invitation to do so. Deal?"

Then I'd give him his space. Once or twice a week I'd invite him to "help bake cookies" or "make a Valentine's Day card for Mom" but would respect when he says no thank you as long as he says it politely.

This is absolutely the right approach. Brilliant!

[Anonymous]

Not hard to figure out. Give him his space but occasionally invite him to do stuff.

[Anonymous]

I'm gonna tell you as a special Ed teacher with an autistic brother- you can do nothing to change this. If it changes, and it might, it'll be because autistic children are like that. You're going to bother him if you try. Even a little bit. He said your personalities clash and that's ok. All you need to concern yourself with is making sure he is respectful to you and it sounds like he is.