Advice on choosing an au pair?

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking of trying an au pair for the first time and could use some advice. I have two girls, 9 and 11, and am effectively a single mom (husband in the military and away more than he is here for the next 18 months). The girls need to be picked up at school, have their homework supervised, be played with, etc. I also need someone who can be there some eveneings when I am out, and (ideally) can handle the occasional short business trip-- 1-2 nights. We have plenty of space in the house-- basement guest room with bath and separate entrance, etc. -- but I am freaking out a bit about privacy.

That is: the thing that draws me to the program is the convenience of having someone who lives in and to whom I can say, "I'll need you to be here with the kids Thursday until 9 pm" or whatever, but I HATE the idea of having someone who is always underfoot, or having awkward "family" meals with someone who doesn't have much to say to me. The kids are with my ex one day a week, too, and when they are awy or just in school or in bed, I hate the idea of having someone just "hanging around" -- i like to work at home when possible, sitting in the living room, and really don't want to have someone wandering in and out, or having to make small talk a lot.

Am I just wholly unsuited to having an au pair? Don't get me wrong, I'm nice enough! We've had a great nannies over the years who we've loved, and I'm glad they've wanted to be part of the kids' birthday parties, occasionally have dinner with us, visit on holidays and all that-- I'm just worried about having someone living with us ALL THE TIME. Do I always need to eat with her? Always take her on every weekend trip?

Am I overthinking this? Is it possible to screen for au pairs who are pretty independent, and will basically have their own lives?

[Anonymous]

You can't have an AP and leave her for business trips that are 1-2 days. They can only work 10 hrs MAX in a row.

I

[Anonymous]

Longtime HM here, and yes, I do think given what you've written that you seem unsuited for the program. As the PP pointed out, you cannot ask an AP to work more than 10 hours a day. So overnights are not possible unless you have someone else with them until, say, 10 at night, and then the bus arrives to take them to school at 8. And then you wouldn't be able to have AP work more than two hours in the afternoon of that same day since she would have already worked 8 hours overnight, even if she were sleeping the whole time.

Also, it sounds like you really value your privacy, which is totally understandable, but an AP is here to learn about American culture and to be involved with a family, and she won't vacate on the days that your daughters are with your ex. Some will give you space when you work in the living room but not everyone will. And she will be there, whether talking or not, so if the presence of someone else is going to irk you, then it's a definite non-starter.

Finally, APs, even the best ones, need a lot of handholding at first, and it doesn't sound from your posting as though you've considered that. We have had four excellent APs and three very good ones (as well as two awful ones who got sent home right away), and each and every one of them needed a ton of time and energy at first to get her started and acclimated. And the more time you put in from the start, the better the match often goes, so unless you have the inclination to really welcome someone and acclimate her to American culture and to your family, you may find you struggle with your AP and in that case she will take up even more time and energy - which you don't seem to want.

Overall, I'd say you might want to think about a live-in nanny. Find someone doing online courses or taking college classes during the day. If you find someone who already lives and is invested in your community, then she might be more apt to make herself scarce when her help isn't needed.

[Anonymous]

Why do an 11 and 9 yr olds need someone to take care of them? You also sound as though you would be impossible to be around.

[Anonymous]

Don't get an AP. Stick with a nanny.

[Anonymous]

By the time you found an agency, interviewed AP's, chose an AP, and had her arrive...your oldest would probably be 12 and your youngest would be 10. I wouldn't even bother getting an AP.

I don't get it.

You want all this privacy and want someone who will disappear when her shift is over. Well. You won't find that with an AP.

[Anonymous]

Ignoring the snark for a few minutes,... I agree than an AP is not a good fit for your preferences and needs.

As others have stated, the overnight thing is an immediate dealbreaker. But more to the point, if you value your privacy so much, you really need an employee (nanny) who will go home at the end of the day. I can relate to the dilemma you must have: you need to have overnight coverage sometimes, but live-in nannies are expensive and you like your privacy. So if you have a regular day time nanny, that means that the overnight coverage is probably very very expensive. But I don't think an au pair is the right solution. A live-in nanny would be a more appropriate fit, or just have a daytime nanny and pay the extra for overnights when they come up.

I think an au pair can be great with older kids if you need shuttling/help with homework, ... but you're daughters certainly are starting to age out of the time when then NEED full time child care. The flexibility of an au pair is probably better for you than a nanny who will want steady/routine hours.... but you just can't do the overnights. Even if you were to break the rules (and I'm sure some do), it's a bad set-up.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the disgruntled nanny trolls. If your get a "pro Au pair" or "au pair extraordinaire" they will need orientation as any nanny would but should not need a lot of training b/c by definition they have formal training and experience in child care. But you are still limited by the 10 hr a day rule. I would choose Western European, Australian nationalities or similar so that standard of living/culture and education is more similar and often (not always) they speak better English b/c it is more commonly taught well in schools. The pro and extraordinaire Au pairs only cost an extra $200 a month roughly, and they are totally worth it. I would never recommend standard Au pairs. You can get great ones, but its more of a crap shoot.

[Anonymous]

I have an AP who goes out all the time and is never home during her free time. If you can find one like this, it MAY work.

However, you need to change YOUR EXPECTATIONS a bit if you think it will work.

Otherwise, find a babysitter/LO nanny.

[Anonymous]

I used to be an au pair. I was only supposed to work 45 hours a week.
Most weeks I worked 30-35 because the kids were in school.
I think about 3x in my whole year I worked overnights as well and the hours would have been way over. I didnt mind though because I worked less hours most of the time. I felt that it worked itself out.
The host parents could have had me make up the hours on weekends but they never did. So I didnt mind working extra when they needed me.

You could make that part of it work but if you dont want to welcome her to your family then thats not going to work.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Is it actually true that an au pair can't do an overnight? I googled this, and some of the au pair services say overnights are okay as long as you do not exceed the 45 hours/week. However, this is not the important issue for me-- I should have added that my mother lives a mile from me and can usually stay overnight if I'm away, and my ex is also often available. The issue is more the relatively short notice evening events.

My kids go to a school with no bus service, and it's not a walk, so yes, they need someone to drive them there and pick them up. They also need someone to help with homework, which is not something our nanny is really able to do (English is not her first language and she is just not the homework type). That's why a bright young woman who could help in the afternoons and evenings would be great.

I'm happy to welcome an au pair to our family - I am just trying to figure out what that means, in practical terms. If being "welcoming' means that I have to spend every evening having dinner with her if the kids eat and go to bed early, that would be horrible. (Nothing personal, au pairs-- I just like solitude in the evenings, when I am tired and need to unwind). But if it simply means including her when I am eating with the kids, bringing her on some but probaby not all weekend trips with us, and generally being friendly and helpful and interested, I'm fine with that. I'm just wondering how much the au pair is expected to be part of every interaction. Or is it reasonable, in the application essay, to make it clear that we are looking for someone who is pretty independent?

[Anonymous]

APs cannot do overnights, but everything else sounds fine.

[Anonymous]

I'm 22:10. As I wrote, APs *CAN* do overnights, but this counts as part of their 10 hours max in a day. So if you use your AP from midnight until 8am, then you only have 2 hours to use her time in the afternoon, when your children come home from school. And yes, these hours count even if she is sleeping, since she can't be anywhere else during the overnight. So you may find by using her overnight that you don't then have her available to help with HW or anything else you need in the afternoons and evenings.

If your mom can do the overnights, then this may work for you. We have hosted many APs over the years. Most were fine being independent and having their own lives to a certain extent, but they are a presence in the house irrespective, and you mentioned I think that the presence of someone would bother you. And as I said earlier, the more effort you put in at the beginning, the better the relationship usually goes. But if you're all up for the cultural exchange/family part of things and you can make the hours work and you really want an AP, then I don't see why you can't. Your initial posting just didn't sound like you really wanted much except the 45 hours a week of AP help.