Transitioning to a Live-In Nanny

[Anonymous]

After a few years of having a live-out nanny, we are in the position where we are going to begin the search for a live-in nanny with significant housework responsibilities. (Our current nanny is leaving in February to move out of the area.) Our oldest child is in a wheelchair and has some significant medical needs. We really need help before AND after school to make sure all of her care is done properly and our other children get off to school and can do some after school activities. DH has the typical long hours, high pressure DC job and I am at home full-time for at least the next few months (PT work had to end this year with DD having four surgeries this year), so the nanny needs to be okay working alongside me. (Our current nanny is a pro and we work great together - it takes someone special for sure!!!) Going with a live-in is the only real solution at this point given the schedule that we want, but I am nervous about this step. Would love input on the following items!

- Where to find someone? We do not want to use an international au-pair, but a legal, professional nanny/housekeeper looking for a live-in position. Care.com doesn't seem to have a whole lot of individuals looking for a live-in position. We ideally would like someone young (they need to be able to lift DD) and high energy.

- I know aupairs are supposed to be considered part of the family and included in many family activities. Privacy and family time are vital my mental health. Are most professional live-in nannies better able to maintain their own lives? Any tips on keeping healthy boundaries?

- We have a bedroom and full bath in the basement. How much of a draw would it be to add a small kitchenette (fridge, cabinets, table, and microwave) as well? I think having their own space for food might make the basement more like an apartment, but it will cost us a few thousand dollars. How to handle buying food? I would assume she would buy her own groceries for the basement kitchen, but would be free to have meals with us if she is on the clock. Does this sound reasonable?

- We would want a significant amount of housework done. Family laundry, clean kitchen, some meal prep and deep cleaning. Not cleaning up after the family constantly (we are not perfect, but pretty tidy), but take the burden of laundry and deep cleaning off of me. Will a young 20 year old be up to the task? What advice would you give to make this aspect of the job/relationship work?

- How to write the termination clause? I.e. if I have to let her go for cause, how what is the minimum amount to give her to move out?

- Other things to consider?

Thanks ladies.

[Anonymous]

Hope you are paying alot. Only a fool would take such a job because it sounds as though she will be working around the clock.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is realistic. This is a very physical job, then add a wheelchair-bound kid who it sounds like, needs to be lifted a lot, plus probably helped with PT once or twice a day, then add in another kid or two, and on top of all THAT you want someone who will also do YOUR laundry and get on their knees to scrub floors?

OP, IF you find anyone to do this, they will burn out so freaking fast it'll make your head spin. Hire a once a week cleaning lady who'll also do laundry, ask the nanny to do kid laundry plus sheets & towels, and you do the rest.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. You are asking a lot out of someone. It's possible to find someone willing to do it all, but at what cost? You mentioned wanting a young nanny...will a 20 year old really be willing and able to do full housekeeping to your standards?

Now for some of your questions...

1. I would suggest local boards, sitter city, or a local agency to help you with your search.

2. You can set up any type of boundaries you want with a l/i nanny. Many of the ones I know like to maintain their own life on their own time. When I was a l/i nanny I did eat dinner with the family on occasion during "my time" but that's what worked for us. It doesn't work for everyone. I was usually gone for most of the day on my days off. On rare occasions I joined the family on my days off for a special event, but it was at their asking. Whatever you decide works for you needs to be clearly conveyed at the time of the interview and reiterated in the work agreement.

3. Having a kitchenette is a plus for easy meals, especially if you want to maintain your privacy when your nanny is off-duty. The only catch with the kitchenette is not being able to cook actual meals. Most nannies will not be ok with just eating microwave meals while off-duty. Decide if you are ok with her cooking in the main kitchen (when you're not using it) if she wants a full meal while off-duty. How you handle food it up to you. When I was a l/i all my food was covered. I occasionally picked up extra things that I wanted, particularly for my days off, but it wasn't something that was required of me. Again, you can set this up anyway you want.

4. Everything sounds reasonable except for the deep cleaning. I know some will argue that nannies shouldn't do family laundry, but I have never minded and you are being up front about this being a nanny/housekeeper position. The deep cleaning might give you some trouble. It may be too much for a 20 year old. I second the idea of hiring a once/week housecleaner. The you can have your l/i person take care of laundry and day-to-day upkeep (with everyone pitching in on the day-to-day upkeep) You can find someone to do it all, but I still think you either need someone slightly older than 20 or hire a separate cleaning person (even if it's every other week).

5. No advice on the termination clause. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

If you won't be providing her groceries, expect to pay her more than average live-in rates; most live-in positions include food or a specified food allowance.

[Anonymous]

I think you are looking for the wrong type of person. The ones most likely to take a nanny/housekeeper position (with deep cleaning) will be older women (30+). You will not find many young nannies willing to do that type of work, especially if they consider themselves to be a nanny. You have to look for housekeepers/cleaners that have plenty of childcare experience (or even just raising many of their own kids) that want to find a live-in position, to really get a good pool of applicants. Otherwise you will end up with people that say they will clean, and do a half-assed job at it because they really don't want to be doing it. Why not just get a nanny for the childcare and a housekeeper who comes in as often as you need her to?

[Anonymous]

Just a vote for thinking about someone older. I think this is a tough job and you'll need to find just the right person (though I really endorse the idea of hiring someone for occasional deep cleaning). An older, more experienced person will better understand the scope of support you need, whereas a 20 yr old may (no guarantee) have more energy but will he/she really grasp the whole household maintenance support you're looking for?

Good luck to you - I hope you find the right person.

FYI - maybe try neighborhood listservs. The kind of person you're describing sounds like someone who will stay with a family for years and be vital support on all kinds of fronts. In my experience those folks come to you by word of mouth more than agencies.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much ladies! Excellent ideas on where to find someone. That is a great point about keeping our cleaning lady on for the deep cleaning. Will give serious thought to that. When DD was in the hospital this year, having that cleaning lady was a lifesaver for sure and probably worth it to keep her to make like easier for everyone.

Another question for those that have been live ins or MB of liveins - guests??? We are not going to permit overnight guests, but are wondering what others have done about daytime guests? From talking to MBs of APs, it seems like the AP rarely if ever bring a friend to the house.

[Anonymous]

Host mom here - both of my APs have had friends over frequently, especially on the weekends. I don't think it's realistic to not only expect this much work, but also say no overnight guests and plan to rarely have friends over at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much ladies! Excellent ideas on where to find someone. That is a great point about keeping our cleaning lady on for the deep cleaning. Will give serious thought to that. When DD was in the hospital this year, having that cleaning lady was a lifesaver for sure and probably worth it to keep her to make like easier for everyone.

Another question for those that have been live ins or MB of liveins - guests??? We are not going to permit overnight guests, but are wondering what others have done about daytime guests? From talking to MBs of APs, it seems like the AP rarely if ever bring a friend to the house.

We have a live-in, who lives in the lower-level apartment. We've never said more than "don't bring the party home/this is not a revolving door" and "we reserve the right to kick out anyone." We have had two live-ins. One has had her visiting (from another state) mom sleep over for a week, and the other has had a little sister and a friend sleep over. We would say something if they were bringing home a different guy/girl each night.

OP, on one hand you're saying you want this person to have their own life, yet on the other hand, you're saying, "but don't have the kind of life that ever involves guests sleeping over" and it seems like you stopped just short of saying "or the kind of life that ever involves guests coming over unless they're pre-approved by us." Either you trust this person or you don't. Of COURSE she can have daytime guests, except "daytime" will mean "night time" because won't she be working for YOU in the daytime so her only free time will be from dinner until she goes to bed? You really just can't have it both ways. Get realistic and fair, here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you will never be happy with a. Live-in because you are inflexible. The nanny also has to be happy woth her job and environment and this will never happen with your attitude and unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kid/s?

I would not really call this a nanny position at all. Find a "live-in housekeeper" with additional responsibilities to care for your daughter. How old is she? It might be more of a specialized nursing care situation depending on the age.

If you have the word "nanny" in your ad, you won't attract the right kind of person. A nanny wants primarily child care duties, no heavy scrubbing. If you have a young child and truly want a nanny, you will indeed have to pay a lot to 1. attract the right person, 2 make it worth it for the candidate.

Au pair is definitely not the way to go. They want to play with kids and have fun, not scrub toilets and have patience for specialized care. They certainly don't have the life experience to appreciate that kind of job. They are just kids. Lots of host moms think of it as having an older kid in the house--you have to make dinner for them, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much ladies! Excellent ideas on where to find someone. That is a great point about keeping our cleaning lady on for the deep cleaning. Will give serious thought to that. When DD was in the hospital this year, having that cleaning lady was a lifesaver for sure and probably worth it to keep her to make like easier for everyone.

Another question for those that have been live ins or MB of liveins - guests??? We are not going to permit overnight guests, but are wondering what others have done about daytime guests? From talking to MBs of APs, it seems like the AP rarely if ever bring a friend to the house.

When I was a l/i nanny the agreement was no overnight guests although exceptions would be made depending on the situation (friend in from out of town, bad weather + winding roads= dangerous driving conditions at night) My employers understandably didn't want the kids to see random guys leaving the house in the morning. I was welcome to have daytime/evening guests on my days off as long as it didn't turn into a party or go past a certain time (I think it was 10 pm). Personally I rarely had people come over, partially due to the location of the house. It was easier to go to other people's houses...also more enjoyable. I already felt like I lived at "the office" so why on earth would I want to entertain there as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kid/s?

I would not really call this a nanny position at all. Find a "live-in housekeeper" with additional responsibilities to care for your daughter. How old is she? It might be more of a specialized nursing care situation depending on the age.

If you have the word "nanny" in your ad, you won't attract the right kind of person. A nanny wants primarily child care duties, no heavy scrubbing. If you have a young child and truly want a nanny, you will indeed have to pay a lot to 1. attract the right person, 2 make it worth it for the candidate.

Au pair is definitely not the way to go. They want to play with kids and have fun, not scrub toilets and have patience for specialized care. They certainly don't have the life experience to appreciate that kind of job. They are just kids. Lots of host moms think of it as having an older kid in the house--you have to make dinner for them, etc.


This is really helpful, thank you. They are 11, 9 and 5, so they are all in school. I see what you mean about life experience needed to appreciate my DD. She is a fabulous, very smart girl.