Nanny to infant question
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Anonymous
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I am a FTM to a 10 1/2 month DS. We have a new nanny after having to fire the original nanny we hired. This new nanny is wonderful with our baby and we're excited to have found her (we do not live in DC, but used to and the the nanny market where we are is pretty robust however hard to find someone we really liked). Ok, so we've had her for one week and one issue has cropped up. Our nanny has very poor eating habits. Is it fair to ask her to eat during nap times? My baby is on the typical hour long morning nap and two hour afternoon nap schedule. We've noticed (because this is the first week we've been in and out a lot to help transition) that she eats junk food and lunch during the gap between the first and second nap (and lunch is a huge spread in the play room of a bowl of maccaroni and cheese, huge bag of chips, 15 cookies, three sodas etc). She eats over about a two hour period. I'm nervous that as my son gets older he's going to want all of this food and it's going to cause major food issues for us. I don't want to be super controlling, but I am cringing watching this food consumed in front of the baby.
Thoughts? |
Anonymous
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My 2 cents as a mom of 14 mth old twins w/ a nanny. You can't regulate her food choices, and she needs to eat when she needs/wants to (nap times eating only certainly wouldn't work for me personally). But you can specify where she eats (we have a no eating in our sunroom rule - which is the babies' primary play space). You also absolutely should control your child's diet and should be very clear about all of that always.
Yes, he may end up wanting her food but if it isn't spread out in his primary play space that will help w/ that problem. And if you specify his diet she will need to respect that. I'd suggest starting a conversation with her (that you'll maintain for the duration of her employment with you) about your plans/expectations for your son's diet. And having a couple of household rules about where eating happens. Then whatever (or whenever) she eats is up to her - appropriately - but it's impact on your child is equally appropriately managed. Try to come at it from a position of your rules for the house and for him, rather than judgment of how she eats, and she might be very receptive. I think as he gets more active it will get a lot harder for her to have leisurely spreads anyway!! |
Anonymous
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Thanks - I originally was going to take your tactic of telling her that food only belongs in kitchen and dining room and then worried it was passive aggressive and I should just go direct to - we want you to eat during naps (b/c telling her to eat elsewhere is essentially telling her to eat during naps!) Naps are 9 AM and 1 PM and I have to admit I've never once eaten lunch when home with the baby all day during the nap gap - 1pm she goes down and I go eat. Same thing at work - I eat between meetings not during a meeting. but I hear what you are saying and softer approach might be better since we are getting to know each other
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Anonymous
| OP here - he not she - sorry typing too fast |
Anonymous
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Me w/ the twins again. The whole nanny/boss relationship is pretty tricky. I'm a year in and still figuring it out, and if I were starting all over I'd do a few things differently, especially as I'm learning what my own triggers are.
I'm learning that it's better for everyone if I am direct and honest (gently) as soon as I have a concern about something. Also, to frame it in the context of our rules for our kids, as opposed to anything we are worried about or dislike in her. I just went through this w/ an issue last night and I started with my new mantra - "we think you're great, I totally trust you with my children, I am so glad you are our nanny, etc... Sometimes you and I do things differently and that's ok because I trust you. But I need to talk to you about something..." The earlier you set the ground rules the better (we all start taking things more personally as relationships developed - moms included) so it sounds like you're still in the getting to know you stage - which is great. I tried to be too laid back in the beginning and, on day 3, discovered that there was one thing about which I was totally non-negotiable and I had a fit when the nanny violated it. But I had never said that it was a non-negotiable, I don't even think I mentioned it at all because it seemed so obvious to me. But it wasn't to her and I needed to tell her. Once I was clear we never had the issue again and it was a really important lesson to me about clearly spelling out my expectations so the nanny at least has a chance to meet them before I lose my cool. So I guess part of the trick is knowing what the really important things are, and what you can work around. Can you ignore what your nanny eats if you trust what she is giving your son to eat? (And, of course, can you trust her to feed him as you direct.) If she respects your rules for him then whatever her choices are for herself don't matter as much, at least not right now. I put up w/ all sorts of quirkiness because I know our nanny provides excellent, loving care. But it is a challenge and I frequently have to give up some control - which isn't easy for me. Every managerial skill and - at least as importantly - every relationship skill I've learned in life is being practiced in handling/building/maintaining my relationship with our nanny. It's exhausting! But if you generally are happy w/ this nanny so far try to focus on that. I watched my sister and so many friends go through nanny nightmares w/ stealing, lying, unreliability, etc... that I remind myself all the time how lucky I am to have none of those concerns. My wish for you is that your concerns about her eating habits are the biggest issue you face!  Good luck!
(Sorry to ramble on - clearly this kind of stuff is on my mind!) |
Anonymous
| Absolutely. You should also regulate her bowell movements so that she does not have one on your time. |
Anonymous
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Op here - thank you to the thoughtful reply above. I totally agree - this is way harder than managing my teams of 30! To the PP above - thank you for the laugh. I needed that - is this cataclysmic? no - do I find it odd yes.
She works a nine hour day - of which she has three hours worth of breaks. She takes one hour to eat lunch during a time she is actually working- where she basically sits in one place and lets my son play around or near her so she can stay near the food. One of the days I did see my son fall and hit his head and it was because she was distracted eating. She is otherwise a fabulous nanny - she limits her cell phone use, is very playful and lovely, and reads a lot to her. I am also dreading flashing forward a year and having a child who only wants cookies and chips because they are in front of him all day long. I could ask her to eat elsewhere, but that is essentially telling her she has to eat during naps b/c she obviously can't leave a 10 month old in the playroom while she goes to the dining room or kitchen to eat. Thanks for the replies! |
Anonymous
| I am horrified at what she eats! I am not in any way, a very healthy eater. I try to watch some of the things that I eat, watch my portion sizes etc. But I do admit that I could do much more. But what you listed above, it seriously made me sick to my stomach to just read it. |
Anonymous
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Op, you're new to hiring nannies so it makes sense that you wouldn't have thought to ask about this during interviews, but you're right that modeling healthy eating is part of a nanny's responsibilities once children are old enough to share meals with. Not flawless eating, of course, but healthy.
Now, PPs are correct that you can't tell her what to eat or even, honestly, when to eat - you may not need to eat at 12pm, but she may and it isn't a good idea for a hungry nanny to try and push off mealtime against her will (I guarantee she'll get cranky and that will trickle down to your DS). You can absolutely tell her you'd like her to only eat in the dining area, and you'd prefer it if she could time her large meals to coincide with DS' meals or naptimes, but you understand if she needs a snack at other times. That should take care of the immediate issues without any discomfort. But you're correct that this is not a good sign for moving forward. You have to decide if you want to broach the subject (does she have experience with toddlers/older kids as well as infants? you could ask her how she handled the issue of junk-food-envy in other positions), let it go and assume she knows how to handle it (while emphasizing your requests about what DS does and does not eat), or ultimately hire someone else. I don't think you should fire her without discussing it, but I do think this is an essential part of a nanny's role and she needs to get on board with healthy lifestyle modeling. My charge is also an infant and while I do not eat the pureed food, I eat the same things as she does at mealtimes - green beans, avocados, sweet potatoes - and sneak in my chips and soda while she's asleep. |
Anonymous
| i'm no health food nut but cookies and chips regularly for lunch is terrible modeling. And I find it astounding that it takes her an hour to eat lunch. Given both of those AND that PM nap is at 1, i do not think it's unreasonable to ask her to eat then. Say that the alternative is that you request she not bring chips/cookies (defer to whatever she does on the entree portion) and make sure she is carefully monitoring child the whole time. |
Anonymous
+1, she has to be so unhealthy!! |
Anonymous
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You are incredibly crazy!
1. It's none of your business 2. Mind your business 3. HE'S A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4. You're a control freak He wouldn't even REALIZE the concept for many more years! |
Anonymous
| This is very clearly a troll post. |
Anonymous
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OP, I have dealt with this and now its one of the things I consider when I hire a nanny.. Not specifically diet but that she likes to do the things we like... outdoorsy, outgoing, etc.
I don't think its ok to tell your nanny what she can eat. However, you don't have to be ok with a full hour of eating (stuff that leaves a huge mess) wherever she wants. If your child still naps for hours during the day (one nap at 1pm) I think its fine to say please eat in the kitchen/dining area only and take the primary lunch break while your child is napping. Make sure she knows what you want your child to eat. So long as it doesn't impact your child's eating habits (later on) it shouldn't be a problem. |
Anonymous
| I'm assuming she's average weight? Would you not have hired her had she been overweight? |