FTM mom - start new job Monday - nanny issues - please advise

[Anonymous]

Originally posted in the main forums and thread got locked for posting in wrong place, so reposting here - hoping I have this in the right place now!! Thanks to all PP posters.

Hi ladies - I have a six month old daughter. While on maternity leave, I've quit my old job and am starting a new job Monday. New nanny is in grad school at night - has tons of infant experience which we wanted - good references - and seems very flexible and easy going. My husband and I are pretty laid back. I showed her how we do things and then kind of left her to get adjusted and ask questions while I was in and out running errands etc. I have all of the usual rules plus no texting/surfing internet while playing with baby. Ok, so here's the issue - I've caught her lying to me at least 10 times in the last two weeks. They are all really stupid, inconsequential lies. Ranging from - no I am not allergic to pets, but I am allergic to the outdoors (week 2 confessed she is extremely allergic to pets and we have three). Yes, I have class the night before Thanksgiving (my best friend goes to the same university it was CLOSED) - when I looked at her quizzically - she said "ok no class, but I have a paper due". Yesterday, I was gone from the house for a while - came home and she said "oh we've been reading lots of books!" - I thought nothing of it. My housekeeper was here while I was gone (she's only in once a week but we've had her for years). Housekeeper called later and said "hey thought I'd keep an eye on the new nanny - she let DD play on the floor for an hour, but was on her phone and never once engaged or looked at her." Finally, I was on a conference call for new job (a pre orientation thing) and nanny took baby out in the bjorn to walk around the yard. I could see them from my window. Nanny walked around like a zombie for the hour (honestly, I don't really care, I use the bjorn and the walks for the same purpose- get baby outside, let me relax my brain a bit). When she came in, she exclaimed "OH we've been outside singing songs and clapping our hands." Again, I don't really care that the baby played on the floor for the hour (she wasn't crying, so she was happy) and I don't really care that she wandered around the yard for an hour not engaging too much, but why the lying?
So, experienced moms with nannies, I am kind of screwed - I start new job on Monday and my husband owns his own business, so can't take the week off while we find someone else - what do you think of this situation? I am going to start looking immediately, but my gut feels off on someone I find keeps lying to me with small little white lies (like, is she going to lie if baby falls and hits her head?)

[Anonymous]

You know the answer to this already -- you have to find a new nanny. If she lies about what she does when it is possible she'd get caught -- like when the housekeeper is there or when you are still in the house -- imagine what she'll do when you leave her alone with your DC.

I agree with you that it isn't that big a deal if the nanny isn't engaging a six month old all day. But what happens when DC is one and really needs the interaction?

PS (and I always wonder if nannies with alot of good infant references only have those because once the kids can talk they tell their parents what is really going on)

[Anonymous]

See if you can find an in home daycare near you for a few days. That might give you a few days to look for a new nanny. Just tell the in home daycare provider that you only need someone short term while you are searching for a new nanny. I think in your heart you know that you need to find a new nanny. I'm sorry she wasn't honest with you. Those sound like such small things to lie about that I wonder what bigger things she might lie about. She also doesn't sound like she is engaging your child much and as she gets older she is going to need to be more engaged with the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Hire a temp baby, ASAP!! Call around to the agencies, they can help for a few weeks. You don't want to leave your child with this nanny.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here

Yes you need to get a new nanny or childcare asap.

The lying is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs that you need to get a new nanny. I don't think you necessarily need to not start work on Monday before you get your new nanny on board though. Just get someone new soon.

[Anonymous]

If you are absolutely stuck with this nanny until you can find someone new, I'd absolutely get a nanny cam.

FWIW, here are my thoughts on her individual lies:
not allergic to pets, but I am allergic to the outdoors this is just weird. If she's extremely allergic, why would she put herself in that position? Maybe she's really desperate for a job?
"ok no class, but I have a paper due" So strange. I don't understand why she wouldn't be honest? Maybe she thought you'd try and get her to work when she really wanted that time to work on her paper.
ignoring baby while housekeeper was here red flag
walking around outside vs singing & clapping Is there any chance she was singing and you couldn't see from where you were? Still odd.

[Anonymous]

Where do you work? DC or burbs? If you work out in the burbs, find an in-home daycare. We LOVE ours- love, love, love, love....

And maybe this is a gross generalization, but since I'm a high school teacher who used to teach at a college, I feel like I have a lot of experience with the age group you're talking about with this nanny- it might *seem* like an English-speaking, young, energetic, scholarly person would make the perfect nanny. But in my experience, the perfect childcare workers are people who love to be with children. If your nanny is in grad school, she has other plans for her "real career." Perhaps it's better to find someone who has decided to make taking care of children her career.

Also check the nanny-sharing forums on here- we found two excellent nannies on there. There are MANY fish in the DC area childcare sea-- you will find a great person to care for your baby. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It's such a bummer to find a new nanny and I know you're not looking forward to this but you can find a new nanny pretty quickly and in the interim, you could ask a parent (yours or your partner's) to come for a week (or two) to help you while you interview new nannies. I've had to do this and it's painful but it makes you better at hiring and you'll be guaranteed to find a better nanny. In fact, when we hired the terrible nanny that was late to the second interview by 45 minutes, we knew we were seeing some alarms but it took finding her searches on our computer (that we put in our room and specifically indicated that our room is our space, please don't go in there) and seeing pictures of our kid on her public twitter feed that made us realize we needed to fire her THAT day. And that was not convenient. My husband was out of town, it was a Wednesday and no time to plan.
Good luck! Maybe one of your friends has a nanny that wouldn't mind hosting your daughter for a week?

[Anonymous]

I have a nanny and agree with PP 14:36. I would find another nanny ASAP (but if you need childcare for this coming week, I'd keep the lying nanny until then - just don't tell her you're planning to find someone new. You should be able to find a new nanny relatively quickly. The most important thing I think with a nanny is to find someone who takes the job seriously and who is completely devoted to your kids.

[Anonymous]

People always jump so quick to firing on here. Is this behavior worrisome? Absolutely. But they are fairly minor and at no point was the baby unsafe. So I would talk to her first, and let her know your concerns, see if she seems appologetic, and then keep an eye on her as you have been (have the house keeper look out, try and pop home early for lunch, have another friend/family member stop by, etc). By your own admission, you don't have a big problem with any of the things she's done, so I think this can be solved with communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People always jump so quick to firing on here. Is this behavior worrisome? Absolutely. But they are fairly minor and at no point was the baby unsafe. So I would talk to her first, and let her know your concerns, see if she seems appologetic, and then keep an eye on her as you have been (have the house keeper look out, try and pop home early for lunch, have another friend/family member stop by, etc). By your own admission, you don't have a big problem with any of the things she's done, so I think this can be solved with communication.

ordinarily, I'd agree that drastic action isn't necessary in a whole range of situations where other people might call for it. The lies aren't dangerous, harmful lies. But unnecessary lies raise a red flag. And when there's a red flag involving the care and well-being of a baby who can't communicate if there's a problem - immediate firing is the route I would personally take and recommend. After all, the nanny is essentially a stranger who's caring for my precious child. Not a situation for taking risks.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here, but If I had a nanny like yours, I would look for a new one.

She is lying over little things now, but they will be big later on. And really...the allergic to pets thing..why lie about that???

[Anonymous]

OP here -
Thank you all for the validation. I was afraid I was being an overly paranoid first time mom - b/c honestly the lies in isolation were kind of eh - not too big of a deal. But looking over 2 weeks, I honestly can think of a million lies she's now told me! One of the days where her allergies were the worst - she was actually sick - and now my entire family has the plague. My beautifully sleep trained baby has not slept straight through the night in three days and is so congested. ugh!

Thank you to the person who mentioned references for only infants - great advice and insight. Similarly, thank you to the PP who mentioned someone who is a professional nanny vs someone doing this to make money while building a different career. We have realized the err in our ways - funny b/c I've hired a gazillion people in my real job, but never had an issue like this one!

In terms of analyzing the lies - my Dh and I have discussed - honestly, I don't know why she lies so much. It seems to be habitual. either she needs the job so badly she'll say anything to make me think she is amazing and there are no issues or she just does it out of habit. I honestly don't know which. I mean - why lie about having class? More than anything, it makes you start to wonder what is is and isn't true and what she is and isn't lying about!

Sigh - I've called in the reinforcements - my parents are going to help out this week - my husband is going to find some extra help at his busienss. I've fired up all cylinders to find a new person. I'd happily do daycare too, but there aren't any near my new job and I have so little time off since it's a new job not sure what I'd do if she ended up sick constantly (like, um, we all are now this weekend anyway!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it might *seem* like an English-speaking, young, energetic, scholarly person would make the perfect nanny. But in my experience, the perfect childcare workers are people who love to be with children. If your nanny is in grad school, she has other plans for her "real career." Perhaps it's better to find someone who has decided to make taking care of children her career.

Ding, ding, ding!!! I'm a college professor, and I can guarantee you that she needs a job, but this is not her calling in life. Her priorities likely go social life -- school -- money -- being good at job. Please find someone who loves kids. Even if she's not doing anything dangerous, she doesn't seem to enjoy taking care of your child, and you're paying for someone to engage her all day, not find new ways to ignore her.