Need Advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The mom did contact me & said she was ok with occasional visits. I did stop contact for 3 weeks. In which former mb contacted me.Former MB dose not want me helping out as she prefers visits. As she wants kids to know she can handle work & taking care of kids & home with out my help. I only saw kids 3 times in November. I am only asking to have visit every two weeks. I am having them over for dinner or after school snacks. They take a bus home & live two minute drive from me. I have let former mb know I am always available for date nights. I have moved on with a new family immediately after. It's going great. I work 40 to 47 hours week. I have a big heart & can't just stop loving 3 children I took care of for over 5 years.

Your former employer sounds like a b*tch. I am sorry, OP. What she is doing isn’t good for the children either.

How is the employer wrong? She hired someone to care for her kids, she no longer needed that person. Had a few goodbye visits and move on. These are not her kids. They have parents and family and a nanny is a caregiver. That's a bit much to ask for a visit every two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The mom did contact me & said she was ok with occasional visits. I did stop contact for 3 weeks. In which former mb contacted me.Former MB dose not want me helping out as she prefers visits. As she wants kids to know she can handle work & taking care of kids & home with out my help. I only saw kids 3 times in November. I am only asking to have visit every two weeks. I am having them over for dinner or after school snacks. They take a bus home & live two minute drive from me. I have let former mb know I am always available for date nights. I have moved on with a new family immediately after. It's going great. I work 40 to 47 hours week. I have a big heart & can't just stop loving 3 children I took care of for over 5 years.

Your former employer sounds like a b*tch. I am sorry, OP. What she is doing isn’t good for the children either.

How is the employer wrong? She hired someone to care for her kids, she no longer needed that person. Had a few goodbye visits and move on. These are not her kids. They have parents and family and a nanny is a caregiver. That's a bit much to ask for a visit every two weeks.

I don’t think once every two weeks is too much. OP cares for these children for five years and I am assuming they bonded with her. It is not fair or good for the children to have her disappear from their lives - nor is it fair to want a nanny to live your children and then cut her out when her employ is over.

I wrote this as an MB as well as a former child whose nanny disappeared completely when I was 7. Years later, I found out that my mother fired her and refused to let her visit me. I remember clearly how much it hurt. I truly believe in respecting my son’s relationship with his nanny.

[Anonymous]

OP just wanted to reach out and tell you I'm going through something similar and I wish people could understand what it's like when you care for a baby who grows into a toddler who grows into a preschooler and who continues to grow but it's not your child. You might try very hard not to love them too much but sometimes you can't help it. Separation even under the most amicable of terms can be very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, you will need to give them space and start to fade out. You might be a little too much for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to be like an aunt. You are not. You are a distant family friend. You’ll be on their Christmas card list, and you can drop off goodies for them for their birthday and Christmas and maybe you’ll be invited to big stuff like sports tournaments or music recitals or school plays. The latter (going along to a kid’s event that they had to do anyway), is a great way to keep in touch because it means that arranging a visit with you isn’t One More Thing for mom to manage. She is now doing your former job along with working 20 hours a week. She does not want to bend over backwards to build you into the schedule once a week. So either volunteer for a regular committment that would actually be helpful to her (such as picking them up from school every Tuesday and driving them to X activity), or back way way off.

And you need to have a conversation where you apologize. You wanted her to prioritize your feelings over her logistical needs. This is why nanny-as-family doesn’t work. For your entire relationship, it was your job to make her life easier. She doesn’t want to start making it harder now!

“MB, I’m really sorry that I’ve been so high-maintenance about wanting to see and talk to the kids. I know from experience how hectic your lives are and I shouldn’t have put another chore on your full plate. How about this as a compromise: can you share the schedule for NK’s soccer games? Then I can come to maybe two a month and support him and if it’s helpful, you could even drop off the other two and I can take them all out for dinner after. That way I get some built-in time with them in a way that is helpful instead of stressful for you. Does that work?”

This is stalkerish and totally nuts. Time to move on!

[Anonymous]

Once I stopped working for my former employers, I volunteered to pick up my charge from school one day a week free of charge. I made this arrangement before I left on my last day and never once cancelled. Not in over three years. I consciously changed the employer/employee relationship and proved my honest affection for my former charge. It took a while, but I have become a family friend to my former employers.

Not all former charges mean to me what this boy means. He has become friends with my current charge, too!

Anyone who wants to maintain a relationship with their former charge’s needs to see them and care for them well and without payment. This is provided the former charge wants to see the former nanny.

[Anonymous]

MB here. Our former nanny is still loved by our kids and we are really glad to have an ongoing relationship with her - now for many years since she has worked for us.

However, that contact is occasional - we see her once every couple or few months, exchange holiday/b'day greetings, sometimes have her over for dinner, etc... But that adds up to maybe a half dozen visits a year.

What you are describing is WAY TOO MUCH contact OP. It's just too much. I don't have family members who we see as frequently as what you're wanting. If you want an ongoing relationship you need to back off and set your expectations way lower.

[Anonymous]

Occasional visits, starting once a week, tapering to once every few months by the 6 month mark. I have a FaceTime anytime during my free time policy, but it’s rarely used by most, and the ones who use it frequently do so in phases.