New/Our first AP is ‘spacey’ and texts too much...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving the kids unattended so she can check her phone is inexcusable. I would tell her absolutely no personal texts/calls during working hours or you’ll consider rematch. She’s not taking you or your children’s safety seriously.

I know, she doesn't realize how often and for how long she does it, and also that she's then distracted by some random update on her phone and can't engage with our young DCs.
Ugh this post is making me feel worse instead of better.

[Anonymous]

Manage her. Be strict. Be direct.
Don't make any assumptions about what she knows or doesn't know.
Yes, tell her she is not allowed to wear Apple watch during work.
Tell her this is a job and she has to take it very seriously and focus 100% when she is working.

[Anonymous]

One thing I have done is to put in my handbook and stress often that it's important to us to set an example for our kids that being on your phones all the time is NOT okay, and something we consider a growing problem in society in general, and we expect our APs to set an example in this way. We dont allow phone use while socializing -- it has to be done in private and during off-hours , unless it's an emergency. I explain that to us, it is rude, and we don't want our kids to have that behavior modeled to them as normal. The kicker of course is that we have to model this ourselves too - so when we're home, we're also rarely on our phones, and no phones are allowed at the dinner table, etc.

Of course you're past this point, but I talk about it in matching and hope I manage to screen out by scaring away APs with major phone addictions. I would rematch an AP that couldn't get a handle on their phone use as you describe - as I think a year of kids watching that behavior day in and day out will definitely have an impact on them -- not to mention the safety aspect as people rarely realize how much time has passed as they're glued to their screen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving the kids unattended so she can check her phone is inexcusable. I would tell her absolutely no personal texts/calls during working hours or you’ll consider rematch. She’s not taking you or your children’s safety seriously.

I know, she doesn't realize how often and for how long she does it, and also that she's then distracted by some random update on her phone and can't engage with our young DCs.
Ugh this post is making me feel worse instead of better.

This is actually good news, even though I know it doesn't feel that way! You're hearing that your au pair is not typical, and that this isn't just "what you get" with a young person. As unpleasant as following the necessary steps here will be, particularly if it ends in rematch, if it ends with you having an excellent au pair experience for the rest of the year (with this girl or a replacement), won't that be worth it?

[Anonymous]

You may need to seriously consider rematch. I had a similar issue, excessive phone user, and we went into rematch and ended up much happier with an AP who focuses her attention on our daughter and exercises minimal phone usage. We were also very clear during the rematch period that excessive phone usage was grounds for rematch - no grey area.

Have a firm talk with her. You may want to also consider implementing a rule that her phone and Apple watch should be left in her room during working hours so she can focus on the kids and her tasks. She's certainly not able to drive and prioritize safety at the moment with her texting/phone addiction. Hopefully she will show some improvement.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Assuming that the texts are mostly from home, she is homesick. I assume it's not all about her social life here? Either get her involved with friends here or rematch. The focus on peopel at home is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

We have been dealing with this phone usage problem for about 2 months now. We started with telling her to put the phone away when we see her with it during work time. When that didn't stop it, we discussed it during our weekly chat. When that didn't work, we followed up our conversation with a written email repeating what we said. When that didn't work, we made a do and don't list and in excruciating detail - wrote about DO this and DON'T do that for every situation we can think of. In the meantime, we kept our LCC informed about what has been going on - by email so that there is a paper trail in the event of a rematch. We told the AP to turn off all notifications so it doesn't beep every time something comes through. We told her to leave her phone somewhere in the house - not on her person. We told her that we will call if we need something - eliminating the excuse that she need to have the phone at her finger tips for "emergency" since she can hear the ringer sound in most parts of the house (we have an open floor plan). We told her to tell her family and friends to not contact her during work time (we have a consistent schedule).

We ask our kids about the AP's phone to confirm if the AP is following our instructions when we are not there.

It was a major pain. We even got to the point of having her read articles about the impact of phones, social media and other devices - how it makes people distracted and addicted.

Our AP is finally getting it - although I am prepared for her to fall back to old habits. It is hard to shake it for people who are addicted (with anything). We have not tried to turn off wifi yet. That would be a last straw that we hope never to get to.

I sympathize with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

+1. She does sound really immature. She may be testing you (unconsciously) to see what she can get away with. I'm guessing she has been a fairly sheltered child who always got away with not quite finishing things or living up to her promises. The enormity of this role has probably come as somewhat of a shock. She probably expected it to be more hanging out and less packing lunches at 7am.

I see this going one of two ways: 1) She decides that she actually does want to have a growth experience, become a responsible person and take her job seriously, or 2) She continues to want to be treated like a ditzy-but-beloved older sibling, and you have to go to rematch. Her real parents can indulge that behavior, but I wouldn't.

Well said. I think all of my APs...even the awesome ones...go through a state of shock when they realize that they actually have to "work" in the morning. I have started tell AP during training that if she wants to text/FT her family, eat breakfast, shower, etc BEFORE work, then she needs to get up earlier to do any/all of the above. From 7am - 9am, none of those things are acceptable. I think most AP imagine themselves sitting around in the morning and randomly playing with kids, hanging out, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think you received really got advice OP. You need to ask AP to leave her phone and watch in her room during her shift.

I have an Apple watch myself which I looooove, but I am a business owner and always on the go between one sales and one recruiting meeting. It's an important productivity tool for me. What an 20 something would need an apple watch for in a foreign country while caring for children beats me..

Am I reading between the lines or is she coming from money and perhaps a bit spoiled? iPhone and watches are not cheap abroad. And constantly texting your worried mom even about the weather? Despite whatever you do about the electronics, I am concerned that you might have someone with a less ideal profile as an AP...

But regardless OP, baby steps, start with your rules about the phone. I just put together an employee handbook for my business. This is fairly normal practice in the workplace. Here is the sample cell phone policy I used as the starting point (note the last sentence):

The use of personal cell phones at work is discouraged because it can interfere with work and be disruptive to others. Therefore, employees who bring personal cell phones to work are required to keep the ringer shut off or placed on vibrate mode when they are in the office, and to keep cell phone use confined to breaks and meal periods. Conversations should be had away from areas where other employees are working. When cell phone use interferes with the satisfactory performance of an employee's duties or disturbs others, the privilege of using a personal cell phone at work may be taken away and other disciplinary action, up to and including termination, may be imposed.

[Anonymous]

Putting rules about phone use in the handbook ... checked
Reviewing the rules during training orientation in the first weeks ... checked
Telling her to not keep her phone on her or in her pocket and take it everywhere in the house ... checked
Telling her it is no okay to be using the phone for personal things ... checked
Telling her multiple times and refreshing her memory ... checked

but the AP still use the phone on the job.

The problem is not communicating to the AP by writing, verbally, or through the HF setting an example (like everyone put their phones away during meals), but the enforcement. Unless you are a SAHM, how do you enforce it when you are not around to watch the AP? The AP can lie and say all the right things that you want to hear but do not act on it. Does a threat of rematch really work? When someone is addicted, can they really control themselves to stop?

If someone was successfully in curbing an AP phone use, please share. I can use the ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting rules about phone use in the handbook ... checked
Reviewing the rules during training orientation in the first weeks ... checked
Telling her to not keep her phone on her or in her pocket and take it everywhere in the house ... checked
Telling her it is no okay to be using the phone for personal things ... checked
Telling her multiple times and refreshing her memory ... checked

but the AP still use the phone on the job.

The problem is not communicating to the AP by writing, verbally, or through the HF setting an example (like everyone put their phones away during meals), but the enforcement. Unless you are a SAHM, how do you enforce it when you are not around to watch the AP? The AP can lie and say all the right things that you want to hear but do not act on it. Does a threat of rematch really work? When someone is addicted, can they really control themselves to stop?

If someone was successfully in curbing an AP phone use, please share. I can use the ideas.

I don't have the magic solution, but I would add to your list:

- interview about internet and cell phone usage and be specific with expectations. If need be, describe your negative experience with past au pairs (in the abstract- not specifically).
- share handbook PRIOR to matching (with your phone/internet usage rules)

that way, your future AP knows exactly what she is agreeing to before arriving...

... and now that you have experience with an addict AP, discuss it with your children and make them your allies in preventing it in the future. There is nothing like a few cute kids telling the new AP 'Larla, we are so glad you are here! Our last Au Pair never paid attention to us because she was always on her phone.' They know. They are the eyes and ears...

[Anonymous]

We had an AP who was up all night talking with friends back home. One morning after a skype that woke us all up, I told her she couldn't drive the kids to school because she hadn't gotten enough sleep to do so safely, and if it happened again I'd call the LCC. She was young, inexperienced, and needed a very clear "you cannot do this" sort of response. She was easily distracted in general, and later crashed the car while driving the kids. Thankfully everyone was ok.
On the daytime texting, I did have to tell one AP to leave her home phone in her room - since we provided one for work, she had no need of hers during work hours. WHen it dings all the time in their pocket or bag, you know they're texting when you're not around Another tip I got from here is to have her set YOUR numbers to a special altert tone so she knows it's ok to check. If her eyes are on her phone, they're not on your kids. APs don't have that sixth sense about impending danger the way (many) parents do, so it's especially important that she be aware of where they are/what they're doing at all times. A caregiver on a screen all the time impedes language and interpersonal development. Our handbook says no social phone use during work hours, and to make sure their family and close friends know their schedule and when she's unavailable. People don't call me socially during my work hours ...

[Anonymous]

'We had an AP who was up all night talking with friends back home. One morning after a skype that woke us all up, I told her she couldn't drive the kids to school because she hadn't gotten enough sleep'.
There are some families who want Au Pair for babies, infants or todlees. It's unbelievable what I'm reading here. Au pair couldn't talk through the the phone/skype with her parents that were on the other side of the globe after her working hours. First of all there is sth like time difference. If her parents work and she works yes she might be calling in the night. Infant, baby or toddler will be waking you and your Au pair every night couple of times. Please don't even mention here about getting enough sleep in that kind of house.

[Anonymous]

Au pair couldn't talk through the the phone/skype with her parents that were on the other side of the globe after her working hours.

Of course APs can talk with their family and friends after their working hours (I don't think anyone minds 3 am calls due to an emergency - I am talking about the usual chatting about your day with your mom here). They do, however, still need to get enough sleep to be able to fully function during said working hours.

From DC, Europe is between 5 (UK) and 7 (Finland etc.) hours ahead. An AP can work 10 hrs per day, so let's assume AP has a toddler to watch, she might possibly work between 7 am and 5 pm. At 5 pm (EST) it would be between 10 pm and 12 am in her home country for an AP - possibly early enough to skype with her (working) parents, most likely early enough to skype with friends. When she gets up at 6 am, it would be between 11 am and 1 pm in her home country, a quick chat with parents or friends (depending on their working hours) would likely be possible. Most toddlers still nap during the day which would also be an option to talk with friends or family at home.

The time difference between EST and let's say Brazil is three (!) hours, there is no need to skype with your family at 3 am. The time difference between EST and Thailand is 12 hrs, while a 3 am EST call is probably extremely convenient for the family in Thailand, AP could just as well contact them before starting to work (6 am / 6 pm) or after work (7 pm / 7 am). It's about making choices and making good choices. We all know that when we show up for work we need to be awake and alert to be able to do our job. The same is true for APs. APs who work a split schedule should be able to find the opportunity to talk to family and friends during their time off.

If family and friends can't talk from x am to y pm because they need to work (or sleep) then so does the AP. AP's family can't contact AP at 3 am their time because they need to work the following day? Okay, well, same is true for AP. They need to work something out that suits both sides. There is also no need to constantly be in touch with your family and friends when you are an adult. I don't skype with my mother when I am in the office, my kids' teachers don't call their best friend in the middle of a lesson, a Walmart cashier can't walk away from a register to message her husband while on the clock - why should an AP be held to different standards than (nearly) every other working adult.

Yes, young adults can function on less sleep. Heck, when I was 19/20 I could spend all night partying (or studying) and then fully function for a full day at college. 6 hours of sleep were plenty. However, it was 6 hrs of uninterupted sleep. And if PP says "We had an AP who was up all night talking with friends back home" it really doesn't sound as if their AP got anywhere near that amount of downtime. Being up "all night" talking with friends at home if you are working during the day simply isn't the greatest idea for anybody. There is weekends for that.

It's the same with texting. There is also a huge difference between sending your mom three texts during the day ("Morning mom, I am awake", "Look mom, the funny thing Larla did today" and "Hey mom, how much flour do you use in your pancake recipe?") and constantly being on your phone, texting you mom, your dad, your third cousin, that girl you met in kindergarten plus your new best AP friend next door.

The problem is, as soon as it becomes an issue (AP neglecting her work over texting/skyping/...) you run into needing stricter rules than you are happy with yourself. It's like jobcreep. It's much easier to say "you can't do x" than saying "you can't do x, unless a or b or c" or "you can only do x a certain number of times." We have a strict "no phones at the dinner table" rule for everybody. There is a small shelf in the hallway, outside the kitchen, that ALL phones go on before we start eating dinner, everything can wait 30 minutes. AP is a multi hour flight away from her family, there is nothing she can do anyways (same is true for us, there is nothing we can do other than comfort whoever is calling).

Infant, baby or toddler will be waking you and your Au pair every night couple of times. Please don't even mention here about getting enough sleep in that kind of house.

As an adult (no matter if you are 18 or 26) you should be able to wear headphones when skyping with your family/friends and to keep your own volume down enough as to not wake everybody. You are not a 3-months old infant who can't help it or a 2 year old who woke up from a nightmare crying. There really shouldn't be any reason to wake the rest of the family if you have your door closed and use your inside voice.

Thinking back, I often called my mom when going to bed, because that was when she was getting up (midnight CST, 6 hr time difference). As the toddler I was caring for napped around noon that's when I talked with friends. There are also, conveniently, days off. I also don't think I ever woke anyone up when I was talking to family. With a mindset of "hey, baby woke me at 1 am and 3 am so I can blast music at 5 am / yell at my boyfriend at home at 5.30 am" people should simply not become APs. That's not how mutual respect works. Baby can't help it, you f-ing can.

The toddler I cared for thankfully usually slept through nights. If she didn't, her parents got her within minutes. The baby that was born right before I left coslept with HM/HD for the first months so that they could tend to him easily at night. Not having to get up to care for them meant hearing noise and going back to sleep within seconds. The only thing I learned is impossible with children is sleeping in because the kids will be up no matter the day and school-aged kids don't care that their AP was back home at 3 am and wants to sleep later than 8 am. Good thing to learn that at 19 and plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

There are some families who want Au Pair for babies, infants or todlees. It's unbelievable what I'm reading here. Au pair couldn't talk through the the phone/skype with her parents that were on the other side of the globe after her working hours. First of all there is sth like time difference. If her parents work and she works yes she might be calling in the night. Infant, baby or toddler will be waking you and your Au pair every night couple of times. Please don't even mention here about getting enough sleep in that kind of house.

Our friendly AP stalker at it again...