How to be sensitive to favoritism?

[Anonymous]

OP I have generally been the primary attachment for my kids and worked PT when they were really little. But my younger child was deeply attached to the nanny who cared for her for most of her first 3 years; to the point that my DH used to joke that he was a "distant third" in our daughter's book.

I actually think this did hurt DH's feelings some but we all knew that it was/is totally natural. I don't think there's anything our nanny could have done differently and she definitely didn't create the situation--we did, by working outside the home, and hiring her. Our youngest also used to cry when it was time for our nanny to leave, and needed hugs and kisses and reassurance that she'd be back--but this never hurt or upset me because I used to take care of kids, too, and know that sometimes it's just like this. In the end I felt great that we had hired someone our kids loved so much.

So, I don't think there's much you can do aside from being sensitive and thoughtful which you clearly are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have generally been the primary attachment for my kids and worked PT when they were really little. But my younger child was deeply attached to the nanny who cared for her for most of her first 3 years; to the point that my DH used to joke that he was a "distant third" in our daughter's book.

I actually think this did hurt DH's feelings some but we all knew that it was/is totally natural. I don't think there's anything our nanny could have done differently and she definitely didn't create the situation--we did, by working outside the home, and hiring her. Our youngest also used to cry when it was time for our nanny to leave, and needed hugs and kisses and reassurance that she'd be back--but this never hurt or upset me because I used to take care of kids, too, and know that sometimes it's just like this. In the end I felt great that we had hired someone our kids loved so much.

So, I don't think there's much you can do aside from being sensitive and thoughtful which you clearly are.

Thanks. I just feel badly for the parents because in their case, they would not choose to be away from their kid so much if they could. Their work and extended family situations have been very tumultuous since I began with them and I know that they miss their son desperately and so those moments when he is clingy or pulls away from them make it so much worse. They are such loving parents and I hope they get--as you do--that this is a totally normal phase!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a quick note to the trolls here: I am an MB and a child psychologist. OP isn't wrong that attachment issues can be awkward (even when predictable). You all push for negativity in every corner you can find it, even in the face of an earnest inquiry. Jerks.

OP, good luck. Its normal and a securely attached baby (no matter if there are shifting attachment figures) will be fine over time. You are thinking about all the right things...it will be fine if you work for a good family.

+1,000,000

Very well said. Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

There was a similar query posted on here a few months ago.

Here is the link to that thread:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/nanny-forum/posts/list/321065.page#3182027

I am the one who posted about how mommy is in it for the long haul. Nanny is a temporary relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a similar query posted on here a few months ago.

Here is the link to that thread:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/nanny-forum/posts/list/321065.page#3182027

I am the one who posted about how mommy is in it for the long haul. Nanny is a temporary relationship.

Most nannies may be temporary, but it really depends on the situation. My first employer still reaches out to keep me in her child's life, many years after I was no longer their employee.

In cases of divorce, a long term nanny may be the ONLY stable force in a child's life. Not all parents are like you.