Does your AP entertain at your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as AP is welcome and treated like family, it is still not her home... Inviting friends over 2-3 times per week and feeding them from the host family fridge is insensitive. Especially without asking.

The alcohol part is baffling.

It is her home for the year, and the AP is supposed to be treated like she is part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as AP is welcome and treated like family, it is still not her home... Inviting friends over 2-3 times per week and feeding them from the host family fridge is insensitive. Especially without asking.

The alcohol part is baffling.

It is her home for the year, and the AP is supposed to be treated like she is part of the family.

I was about to post this. Of course it's her home? What the hell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as AP is welcome and treated like family, it is still not her home... Inviting friends over 2-3 times per week and feeding them from the host family fridge is insensitive. Especially without asking.

The alcohol part is baffling.

It is her home for the year, and the AP is supposed to be treated like she is part of the family.

I was about to post this. Of course it's her home? What the hell?

I am not arguing that she is not part of the family. But it is not her home, it's mine. Like it's not her car, it's mine. AP (and our children) live under our roof. They do not have free reign over what we work hard for.

For the record, I have said the same thing to one of my children who used to come home after school with 3-4 friends each day, many staying over for dinner. I have had to set a limit 1) because it was starting to show on my weekly family budget, and 2) at a certain point, all these guests become disruptive to the normal routine of the house (unless you live in a mansion, which I don't). So we asked our daughter to limit her invitations, and I am a lot more direct about saying- your friends must leave before dinner tonight.

I am sticking to insensitive.

[Anonymous]

We've had varying degrees of this across our six au pairs, and the way I've felt about it depends very much in how happy I am with their job performance and whether I think they're taking advantage.

That said, no alcohol from our stash is given to friends ever. Period. In fact, we say very clearly in training that our au pair is expected to purchase her own alcohol at all times with the exception that when we are drinking at home and specifically offer it, she is welcome, which we honestly do 3-4 times a week. We had one au pair who was truly a part of the family and who would grab a beer from the fridge nightly without being offered and would sometimes give her friends our alcohol and it really bugged me for some reason but I let it go because she was awesome. She felt like such a part of the family and we offered her alcohol with us so frequently that I don't think it even occurred to her. The difference - she was clearly just so comfortable and not taking advantage.

Im sort of of two minds in this though. Believe me - been there. We had one au pair whose group would come over and making smoothies twice a week and it drove me crazy. $10 in frozen fruit and our entire container of Greek yogurt just gone twice a week. So yeah, easily $100 extra a month I was feeding her friends. But her friends were lovely, she was great, I was happy to host them, etc. I let it go.

Another au pair was a complete disaster. Phone obsessed, frequently lied, her friends were such shitheads. Would come in loud and rude and barely look at us, leave a mess. I was pretty clear they needed to bring their own snacks and ingredients for meals. I should have rematched with her honestly.

If you're happy with your au pair and you want to encourage her comfort with your family, I say let it go. Food is meant to be eaten and being generous goes a long way. And I've hear when our kids are teenagers to expect their friends to come in and eat a ton, so it's good practice.

But if your au pair is taking advantage or not living up to expectations, then deal with those things. But you might consider being less generous and sticking to an employer/employee relationship. Depends on what you want.

But alcohol - no. That's a liability issue, not a generousity one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as AP is welcome and treated like family, it is still not her home... Inviting friends over 2-3 times per week and feeding them from the host family fridge is insensitive. Especially without asking.

The alcohol part is baffling.

It is her home for the year, and the AP is supposed to be treated like she is part of the family.

I was about to post this. Of course it's her home? What the hell?

I am not arguing that she is not part of the family. But it is not her home, it's mine. Like it's not her car, it's mine. AP (and our children) live under our roof. They do not have free reign over what we work hard for.

For the record, I have said the same thing to one of my children who used to come home after school with 3-4 friends each day, many staying over for dinner. I have had to set a limit 1) because it was starting to show on my weekly family budget, and 2) at a certain point, all these guests become disruptive to the normal routine of the house (unless you live in a mansion, which I don't). So we asked our daughter to limit her invitations, and I am a lot more direct about saying- your friends must leave before dinner tonight.

I am sticking to insensitive.

At least you treat the AP the same way you treat your own child. However, you might want to be prepared for your child to always be at a friend's house as a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've had varying degrees of this across our six au pairs, and the way I've felt about it depends very much in how happy I am with their job performance and whether I think they're taking advantage.

That said, no alcohol from our stash is given to friends ever. Period. In fact, we say very clearly in training that our au pair is expected to purchase her own alcohol at all times with the exception that when we are drinking at home and specifically offer it, she is welcome, which we honestly do 3-4 times a week. We had one au pair who was truly a part of the family and who would grab a beer from the fridge nightly without being offered and would sometimes give her friends our alcohol and it really bugged me for some reason but I let it go because she was awesome. She felt like such a part of the family and we offered her alcohol with us so frequently that I don't think it even occurred to her. The difference - she was clearly just so comfortable and not taking advantage.

Im sort of of two minds in this though. Believe me - been there. We had one au pair whose group would come over and making smoothies twice a week and it drove me crazy. $10 in frozen fruit and our entire container of Greek yogurt just gone twice a week. So yeah, easily $100 extra a month I was feeding her friends. But her friends were lovely, she was great, I was happy to host them, etc. I let it go.

Another au pair was a complete disaster. Phone obsessed, frequently lied, her friends were such shitheads. Would come in loud and rude and barely look at us, leave a mess. I was pretty clear they needed to bring their own snacks and ingredients for meals. I should have rematched with her honestly.

If you're happy with your au pair and you want to encourage her comfort with your family, I say let it go. Food is meant to be eaten and being generous goes a long way. And I've hear when our kids are teenagers to expect their friends to come in and eat a ton, so it's good practice.

But if your au pair is taking advantage or not living up to expectations, then deal with those things. But you might consider being less generous and sticking to an employer/employee relationship. Depends on what you want.

But alcohol - no. That's a liability issue, not a generousity one.

If I disliked my AP so much that $100/mo in snacks got my panties in a twist I would definitely rematch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've had varying degrees of this across our six au pairs, and the way I've felt about it depends very much in how happy I am with their job performance and whether I think they're taking advantage.

That said, no alcohol from our stash is given to friends ever. Period. In fact, we say very clearly in training that our au pair is expected to purchase her own alcohol at all times with the exception that when we are drinking at home and specifically offer it, she is welcome, which we honestly do 3-4 times a week. We had one au pair who was truly a part of the family and who would grab a beer from the fridge nightly without being offered and would sometimes give her friends our alcohol and it really bugged me for some reason but I let it go because she was awesome. She felt like such a part of the family and we offered her alcohol with us so frequently that I don't think it even occurred to her. The difference - she was clearly just so comfortable and not taking advantage.

Im sort of of two minds in this though. Believe me - been there. We had one au pair whose group would come over and making smoothies twice a week and it drove me crazy. $10 in frozen fruit and our entire container of Greek yogurt just gone twice a week. So yeah, easily $100 extra a month I was feeding her friends. But her friends were lovely, she was great, I was happy to host them, etc. I let it go.

Another au pair was a complete disaster. Phone obsessed, frequently lied, her friends were such shitheads. Would come in loud and rude and barely look at us, leave a mess. I was pretty clear they needed to bring their own snacks and ingredients for meals. I should have rematched with her honestly.

If you're happy with your au pair and you want to encourage her comfort with your family, I say let it go. Food is meant to be eaten and being generous goes a long way. And I've hear when our kids are teenagers to expect their friends to come in and eat a ton, so it's good practice.

But if your au pair is taking advantage or not living up to expectations, then deal with those things. But you might consider being less generous and sticking to an employer/employee relationship. Depends on what you want.

But alcohol - no. That's a liability issue, not a generousity one.

THIS! If you want your teens (or AP) to be in your home, they will bring friends to your house, and everyone will eat. If you don't allow them to eat, they will go elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've had varying degrees of this across our six au pairs, and the way I've felt about it depends very much in how happy I am with their job performance and whether I think they're taking advantage.

That said, no alcohol from our stash is given to friends ever. Period. In fact, we say very clearly in training that our au pair is expected to purchase her own alcohol at all times with the exception that when we are drinking at home and specifically offer it, she is welcome, which we honestly do 3-4 times a week. We had one au pair who was truly a part of the family and who would grab a beer from the fridge nightly without being offered and would sometimes give her friends our alcohol and it really bugged me for some reason but I let it go because she was awesome. She felt like such a part of the family and we offered her alcohol with us so frequently that I don't think it even occurred to her. The difference - she was clearly just so comfortable and not taking advantage.

Im sort of of two minds in this though. Believe me - been there. We had one au pair whose group would come over and making smoothies twice a week and it drove me crazy. $10 in frozen fruit and our entire container of Greek yogurt just gone twice a week. So yeah, easily $100 extra a month I was feeding her friends. But her friends were lovely, she was great, I was happy to host them, etc. I let it go.

Another au pair was a complete disaster. Phone obsessed, frequently lied, her friends were such shitheads. Would come in loud and rude and barely look at us, leave a mess. I was pretty clear they needed to bring their own snacks and ingredients for meals. I should have rematched with her honestly.

If you're happy with your au pair and you want to encourage her comfort with your family, I say let it go. Food is meant to be eaten and being generous goes a long way. And I've hear when our kids are teenagers to expect their friends to come in and eat a ton, so it's good practice.

But if your au pair is taking advantage or not living up to expectations, then deal with those things. But you might consider being less generous and sticking to an employer/employee relationship. Depends on what you want.

But alcohol - no. That's a liability issue, not a generousity one.

If I disliked my AP so much that $100/mo in snacks got my panties in a twist I would definitely rematch.

You're mixing two of my stories. This comment is not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've had varying degrees of this across our six au pairs, and the way I've felt about it depends very much in how happy I am with their job performance and whether I think they're taking advantage.

That said, no alcohol from our stash is given to friends ever. Period. In fact, we say very clearly in training that our au pair is expected to purchase her own alcohol at all times with the exception that when we are drinking at home and specifically offer it, she is welcome, which we honestly do 3-4 times a week. We had one au pair who was truly a part of the family and who would grab a beer from the fridge nightly without being offered and would sometimes give her friends our alcohol and it really bugged me for some reason but I let it go because she was awesome. She felt like such a part of the family and we offered her alcohol with us so frequently that I don't think it even occurred to her. The difference - she was clearly just so comfortable and not taking advantage.

Im sort of of two minds in this though. Believe me - been there. We had one au pair whose group would come over and making smoothies twice a week and it drove me crazy. $10 in frozen fruit and our entire container of Greek yogurt just gone twice a week. So yeah, easily $100 extra a month I was feeding her friends. But her friends were lovely, she was great, I was happy to host them, etc. I let it go.

Another au pair was a complete disaster. Phone obsessed, frequently lied, her friends were such shitheads. Would come in loud and rude and barely look at us, leave a mess. I was pretty clear they needed to bring their own snacks and ingredients for meals. I should have rematched with her honestly.

If you're happy with your au pair and you want to encourage her comfort with your family, I say let it go. Food is meant to be eaten and being generous goes a long way. And I've hear when our kids are teenagers to expect their friends to come in and eat a ton, so it's good practice.

But if your au pair is taking advantage or not living up to expectations, then deal with those things. But you might consider being less generous and sticking to an employer/employee relationship. Depends on what you want.

But alcohol - no. That's a liability issue, not a generousity one.

If I disliked my AP so much that $100/mo in snacks got my panties in a twist I would definitely rematch.

You're mixing two of my stories. This comment is not helpful.

I'm not mixing stories, I am saying if any AP annoys the HF with $100/mo in entertaining costs, the food is not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Right which is exactly what I said. But I also think you can't really think someone is totally selfish for being bugged by spending an extra $1,200 on twice-weekly feeding of a bunch of friends. That's a lot of money to some people (myself included) and typically an expense that is unplanned for when you start having an au pair. If $1,200 isn't a lot to you, then cool, but I'm not going to call someone ungenerous for being irritated about spending $1,200 (even if you do think your Au pair is worth it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right which is exactly what I said. But I also think you can't really think someone is totally selfish for being bugged by spending an extra $1,200 on twice-weekly feeding of a bunch of friends. That's a lot of money to some people (myself included) and typically an expense that is unplanned for when you start having an au pair. If $1,200 isn't a lot to you, then cool, but I'm not going to call someone ungenerous for being irritated about spending $1,200 (even if you do think your Au pair is worth it).

I hear what you're saying. $1200 is a lot. But so many of these threads about people spending more money on AP food than they anticipated makes me wonder if people didn't have realistic expectations about the cost of an entire additional adult. And it's true that this is a little outside the scope of what you're strictly required to pay, so I can see some annoyance.

[Anonymous]

Agreed and honestly that's why it bothers me when people (au pairs included) complain about the low wages, I guess not getting that they make $800 a month, but that it costs the family a ton of money to totally support someone for a year, including possibly over $1,000 in berries and yoghurt for all her hosting whims. Not to mention the $9,000 agency fee. So you plan for about $25,000 and then people in here are like oh you're such a selfish bitch for begrudging her berries and it's like I'm not saying no, I'm just shocked that it's going to cost me another $1,200.

[Anonymous]

One thing I have learned having had teens in the house: once a month or so, make an Aldi run or somewhere else cheap to have some snacks ready in situations like this. $20 can go very, very far there. If you are buying the same thing at Whole Foods, it would be like $50-$60. I think that allowing AP to have friends over and feed them within reason is part of the bargain. It is basic generosity to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as AP is welcome and treated like family, it is still not her home... Inviting friends over 2-3 times per week and feeding them from the host family fridge is insensitive. Especially without asking.

The alcohol part is baffling.

It is her home for the year, and the AP is supposed to be treated like she is part of the family.

I was about to post this. Of course it's her home? What the hell?

I am not arguing that she is not part of the family. But it is not her home, it's mine. Like it's not her car, it's mine. AP (and our children) live under our roof. They do not have free reign over what we work hard for.

For the record, I have said the same thing to one of my children who used to come home after school with 3-4 friends each day, many staying over for dinner. I have had to set a limit 1) because it was starting to show on my weekly family budget, and 2) at a certain point, all these guests become disruptive to the normal routine of the house (unless you live in a mansion, which I don't). So we asked our daughter to limit her invitations, and I am a lot more direct about saying- your friends must leave before dinner tonight.

I am sticking to insensitive.

I think you missed the point. It is your HOUSE. It HOME for you, your spouse, your kids, and for this year, your AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've had varying degrees of this across our six au pairs, and the way I've felt about it depends very much in how happy I am with their job performance and whether I think they're taking advantage.

That said, no alcohol from our stash is given to friends ever. Period. In fact, we say very clearly in training that our au pair is expected to purchase her own alcohol at all times with the exception that when we are drinking at home and specifically offer it, she is welcome, which we honestly do 3-4 times a week. We had one au pair who was truly a part of the family and who would grab a beer from the fridge nightly without being offered and would sometimes give her friends our alcohol and it really bugged me for some reason but I let it go because she was awesome. She felt like such a part of the family and we offered her alcohol with us so frequently that I don't think it even occurred to her. The difference - she was clearly just so comfortable and not taking advantage.

Im sort of of two minds in this though. Believe me - been there. We had one au pair whose group would come over and making smoothies twice a week and it drove me crazy. $10 in frozen fruit and our entire container of Greek yogurt just gone twice a week. So yeah, easily $100 extra a month I was feeding her friends. But her friends were lovely, she was great, I was happy to host them, etc. I let it go.

Another au pair was a complete disaster. Phone obsessed, frequently lied, her friends were such shitheads. Would come in loud and rude and barely look at us, leave a mess. I was pretty clear they needed to bring their own snacks and ingredients for meals. I should have rematched with her honestly.

If you're happy with your au pair and you want to encourage her comfort with your family, I say let it go. Food is meant to be eaten and being generous goes a long way. And I've hear when our kids are teenagers to expect their friends to come in and eat a ton, so it's good practice.

But if your au pair is taking advantage or not living up to expectations, then deal with those things. But you might consider being less generous and sticking to an employer/employee relationship. Depends on what you want.

But alcohol - no. That's a liability issue, not a generousity one.

If I disliked my AP so much that $100/mo in snacks got my panties in a twist I would definitely rematch.

I feel so sorry for these girls with no place else to go... except back where they can from. And no refund for everything they spent. And invested.