NFs life too chaotic? Kids don't see parents enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not quite two year old twins is exhausting on top of what sounds like very busy jobs. Marriages often suffer significantly during those early years because parents don't spend enough one on one time together.

I suspect you are attributing all of the fussy/not great behavior to the aspects of their parenting you don't agree with, but never attribute their sweet/good behavior to the same parenting. You're likely seeing at least to some degree what you want to see.

By the way, when a kid asks for the parent not there, you could try saying where the parent is and that the parent lives the kid very much, and will give hugs and kisses when they get home. Telling a not quite two year old not to worry is probably not too helpful. Telling them their parent loves them gives them some nice assurance.

If this isn't a good fit for you, consider moving on. But also consider that these parents are probably doing the best they can to manage a lot that's going on around them. There is such a huge difference when caring for the kids is your one and only job, versus caring for the kids while also worrying about the upcoming trip and whether you've made the well child appointment and if the bills were paid and do I have enough of whatever from the store. There are days when in home with my kids and decide to make them my ONLY job for the day and ignore everything else about running my household and my life, and it feels like a different world.

Long way of saying - cut them some slack. Their kids will be fine. Help support their bond in whatever form it exists, and lay off the judgement.

This is an awfully nice way of looking at things. I have been a working mom for going on eight years now, but if I knew this couple IRL, I am pretty sure I would judge. It sounds like they only see their kids a few hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they don't want to be parents

[Anonymous]

It sounds a bit like maybe they've not quite realised how much work having kids would be. But it also sounds like they have a great support system, which is fantastic. Grandparents and often aunts/uncles are usually heavily involved in raising the children where I come from, so to me at least that seems normal, if a bit excessive in your NF.

But seeing as how it does throw off their schedule and makes the kids miserable, maybe you could talk about it with your MB and DB. Say that the kids do not have a stable routine and don't know what to expect, so it makes them anxious, which is not good for a 2yo's. Maybe suggest that the family, if at all possible, come with a more definitive plan of childcare, like on Mondays Grandma has them, on Wednesday Auntie Jo, etc, so you can always tell the children that it is Uncle Bob's day today - you can build up their excitement and they will feel safe knowing that what they hear promised actually happens.

Also suggest that all caregivers abide by the same rules - little to no junk food, bedtime at a certain hour, etc. Again, this throws the kids off and ultimately hinders their development. Look up a few specific things, like lack of sleep or solid naps, unbalanced diet, etc, and what it does to 2yo's.

When you speak to them, don't make it about you and how hard this makes your job (though it does) but about the kids and their development. Obviously don't be patronising and superior. Chances are your NF already sees a problem with junk food and naps, so they'll be receptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds a bit like maybe they've not quite realised how much work having kids would be. But it also sounds like they have a great support system, which is fantastic. Grandparents and often aunts/uncles are usually heavily involved in raising the children where I come from, so to me at least that seems normal, if a bit excessive in your NF.

But seeing as how it does throw off their schedule and makes the kids miserable, maybe you could talk about it with your MB and DB. Say that the kids do not have a stable routine and don't know what to expect, so it makes them anxious, which is not good for a 2yo's. Maybe suggest that the family, if at all possible, come with a more definitive plan of childcare, like on Mondays Grandma has them, on Wednesday Auntie Jo, etc, so you can always tell the children that it is Uncle Bob's day today - you can build up their excitement and they will feel safe knowing that what they hear promised actually happens.

Also suggest that all caregivers abide by the same rules - little to no junk food, bedtime at a certain hour, etc. Again, this throws the kids off and ultimately hinders their development. Look up a few specific things, like lack of sleep or solid naps, unbalanced diet, etc, and what it does to 2yo's.

When you speak to them, don't make it about you and how hard this makes your job (though it does) but about the kids and their development. Obviously don't be patronising and superior. Chances are your NF already sees a problem with junk food and naps, so they'll be receptive.

I'm not the OP but just wanted to thank you for this excellent advice, presented w/ such an appropriate and professional attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP, the most telling part of your post is the last line, where you said that you also judged your previous nanny family for not getting out enough.

I'm sure a family could land in the middle, but I feel like what you are saying is that you are going to notice and focus on the downsides of every family.

No family is perfect. If this family makes you uncomfortable, you can't really tell them how to parent, so you have to find a new one. But given that you also didn't like your old family you may be in for a revolving door setup.

I do agree that you can talk over issues with the kids (failure to sleep etc) but that's really it. And as a PP said, are you attributing anything good to the parents and broader family or are you simply quicker to find fault? Not sure of the answer, but thinking about this question may help you out.

[Anonymous]

This family is paying you a nice wage. How would you work if there weren't working parents?