Insane parents

[Anonymous]

OP again. I want to clarify that MB does take the boy out of the house. They go to the park and the store with DB (who returns from work by 4pm). I don't know that they go out every day, but I know they do sometimes. MB just doesn't let K take DS out of the house. It's definitely an issue for DS though, because 90% of his waking hours Mon-Fri are spent in one room, and K tells me that it is having a noticeable negative affect on his mood and behavior :/ DB definitely does not know the extent to which his son is confined while he is at work; K never sees him though (he is already at work during her entire shift, comes home after she leaves).

I've spoken with K about this a lot the last two days. She is planning to send MB a carefully worded email (given her high anxiety about this issue I think a face to face talk might be too confrontational). She's going to ask one more time to consider letting K take him to the park that's right down the street once or twice per week, and explain how important it is for him to get fresh air, exercise, a change of scenery, and interaction with peers. If MB says no, she's going to give her notice within a few weeks.

She does need MB to be a good reference, as her employer for the last 2+ years, so sadly she is not in a position to go behind her back and talk to DB or suggest MB get the professional help she clearly needs. I do agree with the PPs who pointed out that MB will be forced to reevaluate when no other nanny will agree to spend the entire day in DS's bedroom.

Thanks for listening and the insights everyone.

[Anonymous]

In that case, if/when she has already switched jobs, she should clue DB in. If she is only able to leave the house when DB goes with her that is still mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In that case, if/when she has already switched jobs, she should clue DB in. If she is only able to leave the house when DB goes with her that is still mental illness.

I agree she has a mental illness. I just think that the impact on DS isn't worthy of say, calling child services. He does go out, just not with his nanny, with whom he spends 30 hrs per week (all awake; K is there from 8-2 and he naps 2-3:30/4).

I still don't see how she can tell DB "I'm worried about your wife's mental health negatively affecting your son. " without it damaging the reference she needs. Even if she's already found a new job she will still most likely need this most recent 2+ year reference in the future. (Things change quickly some times; even great nannies are not guaranteed jobs for long if their nanny family moves or a parent gets laid off etc. )

[Anonymous]

I would request a letter of recommendation, line up another job, and THEN send an email to both MB and DB saying essentially that she wants to thank them for the time she got to spend with their child and reassure them that the only reason she left was that she was not comfortable being confined to their house for all of her working hours, and she just wants them to know that if it weren't for that one tiny issue she would have loved to have remained and she hopes they can keep in touch, blah blah blah. Basically throw it in as an aside in what is otherwise a thank you letter. But either DB knows how bad it is, or this will give him a clue.

[Anonymous]

I swear you're the poster of the twins one is picky and one is not. Both of you wrote a short novel and use ds dear son when referring to a nanny child

[Anonymous]

I am saying she should say something after she has a new job and has already gotten the reference she needed. And no, not "your wife is mentally ill!" not a call to CPS. Just let DB know mom doesn't let you take the kid out of the bedroom etc. You can even spin it as "this might be rough for your next nanny" etc.

[Anonymous]

Your friend could certainly say something to MB if she wants to, but it's not her responsibility to change this difficult situation. She should line up alternate employment first, and then notify CPS so this family can get perspective from trained professionals and learn healthier ways of functioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I swear you're the poster of the twins one is picky and one is not. Both of you wrote a short novel and use ds dear son when referring to a nanny child

Yep. I can't even bother to read op's novels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I swear you're the poster of the twins one is picky and one is not. Both of you wrote a short novel and use ds dear son when referring to a nanny child

Yep. I can't even bother to read op's novels.

Yep go ahead and pat yourselves on the back. Yes, I posted on behalf of my friend K and I also posted about my charges separately. So? You don't have to read my "novels," just move on! No need for snarky comments just to point out the obvious (I like to think I'm thorough, but perhaps long winded is true also).


For anyone still curious about the ongoing saga:

K was planning to send that email (asking one last time if she could take DS to the park) this week. But when she showed up for work Monday morning, MB had a medical "boot" on her foot, and said that she "attempted to take DS to the park by herself over the weekend, but he bolted into the street and MB tore a ligament trying to chase and catch him." K suspects that MB is stretching the story (MB never mentioned how exactly she injured herself, just "trying to catch DS"), in an effort to make her reasoning for keeping him home (it isn't safe to take him out even if mom is present?) seem rational. We agreed that whether she is stretching the truth (if so, it shows how insane she is), or telling the truth (in which case she will never get rid of her ridiculous anxieties about her son going out) it is seriously bad for DS, and for K's chances to ever get to take him to the park.

K has decided that she doesn't need this reference too badly (she has also been working with two other after school families for the past 18 months, so she has good references from them, as well as previous references). Her after school families have also offered more hours over the summer, so K will be okay financially if she quits. She is deeply concerned for DS (and MBs mental health), so she has drafted an email expressing her concern for his well being, and explaining that it is not right to keep him locked in his room most of the day, or to not allow him to go out and experience even the neighborhood park or library on a regular basis. She goes on to say that she does not feel comfortable working under those circumstances any longer, and gives three weeks notice. She plans to send the email next week (since MB told K she has to wear the boot for 4 weeks K didn't want to leave her high and dry while injured, or give notice so soon after the injury occurred). I told her to send it to both MB and DB, but she doesn't have DBs email.

So, for those of you who made it through my "novels," thanks for listening/reading.