Did you ever date a criminal (and not know it)?

[Anonymous]

My ex is a batterer, but he hides his conviction well. He's dating someone with kids now.

How do you ensure the guys you date aren't dangerous? Realistically do you run a background check?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex is a batterer, but he hides his conviction well. He's dating someone with kids now.

How do you ensure the guys you date aren't dangerous? Realistically do you run a background check?

Did he go to jail or pay a fine?

[Anonymous]

It's pretty easy to find convictions these days. But clues about a propensity toward domestic violence are pretty easy to spot if you know what to look for. Control issues, jealousy issues, inappropriate anger, breaking items when angry, isolation, blaming others, super-fast "love/involvement", etc.

I've always looked for those. Found those before/instead of convictions. The one person I dated with a misdemeanor conviction for assault had been in a bar fight and had thrown the other guy through a plate glass window. He still was able to become a Baltimore City police officer. He displayed several other traits I'd mentioned. I got out of there fast.

[Anonymous]

OP, most domestic abusers have no convictions, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

I would go by his current behavior. Perhaps he has changed? Regardless, I agree with PP, most abusers won't have had convictions, so a background check won't help.

Current behavior is the best predictor. Obviously, if he is physically aggressive or verbally abusive, those are signs to RUN.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy that was dealing coke. I was young, thought he had lots of friends that owed him money.

Casually dated (okay, really just having sex) with a guy that got in a fight in stabbed someone. Went off to jail, did not go visit him.

[Anonymous]

I recently got out of a relationship w/a guy who verbally and physically abused me and was a 2-time convicted felon.

I knew he had a criminal record, but he lied and told me it was drug-related and that he had drug issues, but that he had been to rehab and had worked everything out and was all clean and sober now and I stupidly believed the hood rat.

Later on, during a domestic dispute where I had to call a cop, the cop recognized him + told me he actually served prison time for "Assault w/a Deadly Weapon." Oops.

Of course, he denied, denied, denied.
I have a neighbor who works at the County Courthouse and she got into the computers and sure enough, it was true.

In the meantime, he had already abused me.
He had started out in the relationship by saying mean things to me like I was a stupid bitch like his mother, that I was a slut like his Baby Mama...Then it progressed to him throwing objects and destroying my possessions when he got angry which happened seemingly for no reason whatsoever.

W/time, it soon ended up with him putting his hands on me on a daily basis over things that I had no control over. His anger would come and go in spurts and I tried my best to keep his anger at bay by accommodating his moods, but to no avail.

Thank God I got out of there before he killed me.

I hope your ex's new GF is smart enough to do the same, especially since she has a family.

If you can, is there any way you can warn her about him w/out setting your ex off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex is a batterer, but he hides his conviction well. He's dating someone with kids now.

How do you ensure the guys you date aren't dangerous? Realistically do you run a background check?

Did he go to jail or pay a fine?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go by his current behavior. Perhaps he has changed? Regardless, I agree with PP, most abusers won't have had convictions, so a background check won't help.

Current behavior is the best predictor. Obviously, if he is physically aggressive or verbally abusive, those are signs to RUN.

The assault was less than a year ago.

He hasn't changed.

[Anonymous]

"He had started out in the relationship by saying mean things to me like I was a stupid bitch like his mother, that I was a slut like his Baby Mama...Then it progressed to him throwing objects and destroying my possessions when he got angry which happened seemingly for no reason whatsoever."

NP.
OP, verbal abuse that I didn't address was the beginning. Around date 2 or 3, he said something that belittled me and I didn't confront him about it. My self esteem was very low during this period and somehow he picked up on that. Within a few months, the relationship was filled with violence and I was so humiliated that I started isolating from friends and family. Fortunately, I was able to get out of the relationship before he killed me.

Prior to the violence, there's verbal abuse, after one incident you need to exit the relationship, no second chances.

[Anonymous]

What would you do -- would you warn the new GF somehow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently got out of a relationship w/a guy who verbally and physically abused me and was a 2-time convicted felon.

I knew he had a criminal record, but he lied and told me it was drug-related and that he had drug issues, but that he had been to rehab and had worked everything out and was all clean and sober now and I stupidly believed the hood rat.

Later on, during a domestic dispute where I had to call a cop, the cop recognized him + told me he actually served prison time for "Assault w/a Deadly Weapon." Oops.

Of course, he denied, denied, denied.
I have a neighbor who works at the County Courthouse and she got into the computers and sure enough, it was true.

In the meantime, he had already abused me.
He had started out in the relationship by saying mean things to me like I was a stupid bitch like his mother, that I was a slut like his Baby Mama...Then it progressed to him throwing objects and destroying my possessions when he got angry which happened seemingly for no reason whatsoever.

W/time, it soon ended up with him putting his hands on me on a daily basis over things that I had no control over. His anger would come and go in spurts and I tried my best to keep his anger at bay by accommodating his moods, but to no avail.

Thank God I got out of there before he killed me.

I hope your ex's new GF is smart enough to do the same, especially since she has a family.

If you can, is there any way you can warn her about him w/out setting your ex off?

Thanks PP. I am trying to reach her, but I don't know how news of his conviction will be received. I certainly don't want to come off as crazy since he's already told her I'm the crazy ex.

[Anonymous]

I background check like a fanatic, even the military guys I've dated.

[Anonymous]

Google is your friend. Also: http://www.dccourts.gov/pa

There is also a site just like that for Montgomery County. You can't be too careful. Especially with the so many people on-line dating.

[Anonymous]

If this is all true, you're a hell of a human being for actually caring about the new GF and not just saying "hey, not my problem anymore."

Is there some way you could email her anonymously with say, the link to the records of the conviction? If you just email her saying "your boyfriend's a dirtbag" she's likely to write it off as being from someone jealous/crazy, but if you include the link to a county or state website, I would think she'd be more likely to actually click on it and read for herself. That or anonymously mail her printouts of whatever info is publicly available? Then you don't even have to make it up to her to click, or say he's a dirtbag - once she opens the envelope, she'll know, and it's on her to do what she wishes with the information.