Contacting an old crush. Yay or Nay?

[Anonymous]

To make this brief, in highschool over 2o years ago, I fell head over heals for and change student. He seemed to "pursue" me: asking for my number for a group project and spending every spare moment with me. When I confided my feelings in him he said I was just inexperienced and "wanted to have sex with him." I was 16, he was 17 and this really hurt and offended me. I told him for my own well-being I needed to distance myself from him. This statement was met from crying (literally) and begging on his part. He fell into a bit of a depression that was so concerning to his host mom that she begged me to come over. In his favor, he did say one of the best things a guy has ever said to me: "You're not the type of girl one 'dates'; you're the yep of girl you marry." Nice, but frustrating to a 16 year old (he was only a year older).

We became on friendly trms after that until he left. I refused to be present (for better or worse) when he left. He left one of his blogs personal items behind for me that he knew I admired, on my family's doorstep with a sweat note. I've NEVER stopped thinking about this guy. Not so much as lost love, but wondering what he's up to. Well, a recent a Google search has finally led me to him. I want to contact him as his American "friend" that just wants to see how he's doing. Is that weird? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

To be clear, I'm not looking for some storybook romance, but his behavior back then was a bit odd and it would be nice to get more insight with the physical distance (he's still in his home country). We were very close and shared everything sans any intimacy. It's just baffled me how emotional he was when I wanted to distance myself after having unrequited feelings. For the record, he spoke perfect English and had a ton of other friends as he was quite social. It was a very special time in my life with a very special person.

[Anonymous]

Are you married? Let your spouse read your message and see what he thinks.

[Anonymous]

this was 20 years ago?! I doubt he is going to give you any insight. are you married?

[Anonymous]

If you are unattached, why not? Just don't get your expectations up too high. People change a lot from age 17 to age 37!

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

I would leave it alone. Asking a 37 y.o. why they behaved a certain way with someone as a 17 yo is not going to be fruitful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm separated with a small child. Let me be clear-- not trying to leap into a knew relationship and hoping this guy is "it". I've been trying to find him since before I met my husband; we didn't part on the best of terms and I've regretted that.

As for asking about his past actions, that's not my main objective. If some info comes about that enlightens me, that would be great.

I guess my hope is to contact him and establish some type of penpal relationship. I do like to travel quite a bit, and I believe he does as well, so meeting up in the future might be a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Stop lying to yourself. You are vulnerable right now and you want that happy move ending with him. It was 20 years ago... Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop lying to yourself. You are vulnerable right now and you want that happy move ending with him. It was 20 years ago... Let it go.

+1.

[Anonymous]

nay

[Anonymous]

I was going to vote in favor of contacting him until I read that you are recently separated. Contact him maybe, but not right now. Heal first. If your loneliness right now makes you want to reach out to old friends, try reaching out to an old girlfriend instead.

[Anonymous]

no

[Anonymous]

I can tell you are ESL.

[Anonymous]

In principle its ok to contact him but you are thinking way too hard about what happened many years ago.

[Anonymous]

I get it. I really do. I had someone make an intense impact on me in my very early 20s - and though it was never a romantic relationship and I moved on with my life quite well by all appearances, he was never too far from my mind. It felt like we had unfinished business of some kind, and it felt like my life could only be improved by having this smart, interesting, affectionate person back in it.

(We met in the U.S. but he came from elsewhere and has since moved back to his home country, so yes - lots of parallels.)

I did open up a "pen-pal" kind of relationship with him a little while back, about 12 years after the last time we spoke. This is just my experience and not universally applicable - obviously - but it turned out to be a huge huge huge mistake. For a few reasons:

1) Once he was in my life again, I quickly experienced emotions that interfered with my current marriage (not a problem for you, OP, but it might be for the guy)

2) He shat on my treasured memories. He didn't mean to, but the things he said in the past that I'd *memorized* and attached *so much meaning to* - half these things he didn't even remember. That particular rejection, to have it pointed out to me (if inadvertently) that what I thought was mutual, proof that we would have been together someday if life didn't get in the way, was in fact significantly one-sided and didn't mean to him what it meant to me...ugh. Ouch.

3) Turns out I'm not the same person I was, and he isn't, either. We were so happy to talk again but the novelty wore off surprisingly quickly and we got on each other's nerves way more than we ever did back in the day. We've since fallen out of touch and I don't think either of us is eager to take it up again.

My point is that for us...it would have been much better to leave the past in the past. Again, not universally applicable.