Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

Why does he refuse?
Does he want you to work? Like... are you a helicopter-y partner? Do you let him have a presence in the child's life?

He refuses because he likes the cushier lifestyle. Yes he wants me to work. He likes to hang out with VPs of tech companies and buy expensive wines to bring to their parties. He likes to send money to his mother and play the doting son. Like many of us, he likes the things money can buy. I don’t fault him for that, I am just not willing to keep enabling it at the expense of my health. I feel used and yes very resentful.

I'm curious about the income levels here (yours vs his) because he does not sound like your stereotypical professor.
I was in academia and sometimes that industry attracts people who don't want a "real job" with a "boss"... if he's not even particularly passionate about his research I"d be pissed too.

He is passionate about his research, but he definitely doesn’t want a real job. He has never had one and doesn’t have a clue what it feels like.

He makes about 120k and I make between 250-400k depending on year.

So get another job making $200k and move to a different house since you wont have a choice. Problem solved. $120k is not nothing. My dh makes that and i make $200 and we both work 40 hrs and are are present for our kids. No mingling with VPs for either of us but thats fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is screwed either way. She divorces and pays him alimony and child support while he takes on a live in girlfriend to babysit his kids. See this all the time with humanities professors actually.

Alimony is only 2-3 years if he's young and educated and it will be much cheaper for OP than staying with him long term. Yes he can try finding a GF to watch the kids (and pay for dates etc), or find another job and a baby sitter

Absolutely wrong. Op should consult with an attorney privately. Child support will be the substantial part and will last for 18 years but alimony could be 10. She should probably start reducing her income immediately to match his if she doesn’t want to subsidize his lifestyle.

Alimony for him … she earns more

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

So you just dont want to work at all, and have your husband support you, but he doesnt make enough? It sounds like you wont let DH take on more household responsibility so you are running yourself ragged trying to do both. Take a more relaxed position, and both work towards a healthy happy future for your kids.

I want to work, but I work in a volatile industry, and I am an anxious person. I want to be able to live on one income (his) and save my income / use it for things like college savings and vacations. I overwork now because of anxiety. I think I might be able to work less and stress about work less if he showed more initiative to earn more. I think this would give us the balance you are describing.

Learn to manage your anxiety. Get a better handle on the reality of your finances. Use a tool like Monarch Money or Empower to see your income, expenses, and net worth so you can deal with real numbers. You very likely can cut back on your hours and still make a decent income combined with your husband’s.

I go in monarch and obsess daily, which is part of my problem I think. I worry about money A LOT.

My industry is a blood bath right now, and I worry constantly. I worry about aging out at my job and facing age discrimination later. I worry that my husband just doesn’t get it and isn’t realistic about how much college costs and how much kids in general cost.

I DO need to get a better handle on my anxiety. I am not sure how to do that while working a job that requires I be in fight or flight mode constantly, and I’m not sure what kind of easier job I could get or do.

My instinct is that my anxiety can be managed by getting to a place where we don’t NEED my income, and I could be more detached emotionally at work. That is why I want my husband to adjust to us not having my income anymore and I stopped putting it into a joint account.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

So you just dont want to work at all, and have your husband support you, but he doesnt make enough? It sounds like you wont let DH take on more household responsibility so you are running yourself ragged trying to do both. Take a more relaxed position, and both work towards a healthy happy future for your kids.

I want to work, but I work in a volatile industry, and I am an anxious person. I want to be able to live on one income (his) and save my income / use it for things like college savings and vacations. I overwork now because of anxiety. I think I might be able to work less and stress about work less if he showed more initiative to earn more. I think this would give us the balance you are describing.

Pp. So you're a lawyer and he's a professor.

You aren't the first woman to go crazy while pregnant. I've done it too, so you're at least the second. That said, you really need psychiatric help now. Do you have a therapist?

Do lawyers income vary that much? I was assuming tech sales.

Anonymous wrote:Same OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/857023.page

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/883858.page#17262876

Yikes. So in February of 2020 she was just going through miscarriages but in May of 2020 she'd announced her pregnancy? Can you try again that quickly?

Either this is a VERY committed troll or this marriage has been in trouble for quite a while. Really surprising that she decided to have second child with someone she's resented for a whole host of reasons for more than 4 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

Why does he refuse?
Does he want you to work? Like... are you a helicopter-y partner? Do you let him have a presence in the child's life?

He refuses because he likes the cushier lifestyle. Yes he wants me to work. He likes to hang out with VPs of tech companies and buy expensive wines to bring to their parties. He likes to send money to his mother and play the doting son. Like many of us, he likes the things money can buy. I don’t fault him for that, I am just not willing to keep enabling it at the expense of my health. I feel used and yes very resentful.

I'm curious about the income levels here (yours vs his) because he does not sound like your stereotypical professor.
I was in academia and sometimes that industry attracts people who don't want a "real job" with a "boss"... if he's not even particularly passionate about his research I"d be pissed too.

He is passionate about his research, but he definitely doesn’t want a real job. He has never had one and doesn’t have a clue what it feels like.

He makes about 120k and I make between 250-400k depending on year.

That’s a hefty income. You could make half what you’re bringing in now and still have a high HHI. Look into cutting back to make your life more manageable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

So you just dont want to work at all, and have your husband support you, but he doesnt make enough? It sounds like you wont let DH take on more household responsibility so you are running yourself ragged trying to do both. Take a more relaxed position, and both work towards a healthy happy future for your kids.

I want to work, but I work in a volatile industry, and I am an anxious person. I want to be able to live on one income (his) and save my income / use it for things like college savings and vacations. I overwork now because of anxiety. I think I might be able to work less and stress about work less if he showed more initiative to earn more. I think this would give us the balance you are describing.

Pp. So you're a lawyer and he's a professor.

You aren't the first woman to go crazy while pregnant. I've done it too, so you're at least the second. That said, you really need psychiatric help now. Do you have a therapist?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

Why does he refuse?
Does he want you to work? Like... are you a helicopter-y partner? Do you let him have a presence in the child's life?

He refuses because he likes the cushier lifestyle. Yes he wants me to work. He likes to hang out with VPs of tech companies and buy expensive wines to bring to their parties. He likes to send money to his mother and play the doting son. Like many of us, he likes the things money can buy. I don’t fault him for that, I am just not willing to keep enabling it at the expense of my health. I feel used and yes very resentful.

I'm curious about the income levels here (yours vs his) because he does not sound like your stereotypical professor.
I was in academia and sometimes that industry attracts people who don't want a "real job" with a "boss"... if he's not even particularly passionate about his research I"d be pissed too.

He is passionate about his research, but he definitely doesn’t want a real job. He has never had one and doesn’t have a clue what it feels like.

He makes about 120k and I make between 250-400k depending on year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

So you just dont want to work at all, and have your husband support you, but he doesnt make enough? It sounds like you wont let DH take on more household responsibility so you are running yourself ragged trying to do both. Take a more relaxed position, and both work towards a healthy happy future for your kids.

I want to work, but I work in a volatile industry, and I am an anxious person. I want to be able to live on one income (his) and save my income / use it for things like college savings and vacations. I overwork now because of anxiety. I think I might be able to work less and stress about work less if he showed more initiative to earn more. I think this would give us the balance you are describing.

Learn to manage your anxiety. Get a better handle on the reality of your finances. Use a tool like Monarch Money or Empower to see your income, expenses, and net worth so you can deal with real numbers. You very likely can cut back on your hours and still make a decent income combined with your husband’s.

Don't make decisions when you're pregnant and hormonal, OP.

Also, you sound depressed. You might need medication even before the birth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the people who are struggling to understand the concept of disconnect my direct deposit, I meant from our joint account. I connected an account that is in my name only.

Check the laws of the state you’re in, but generally income earned during marriage is considered marital assets that would have to be split upon divorce. So this isn’t the fast one you think you pulled.

This is true BUT husband cannot easily spend the money that is in OP's account. She controls the spending. Thus, it is still a good idea at the moment

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is screwed either way. She divorces and pays him alimony and child support while he takes on a live in girlfriend to babysit his kids. See this all the time with humanities professors actually.

Alimony is only 2-3 years if he's young and educated and it will be much cheaper for OP than staying with him long term. Yes he can try finding a GF to watch the kids (and pay for dates etc), or find another job and a baby sitter

Absolutely wrong. Op should consult with an attorney privately. Child support will be the substantial part and will last for 18 years but alimony could be 10. She should probably start reducing her income immediately to match his if she doesn’t want to subsidize his lifestyle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

So you just dont want to work at all, and have your husband support you, but he doesnt make enough? It sounds like you wont let DH take on more household responsibility so you are running yourself ragged trying to do both. Take a more relaxed position, and both work towards a healthy happy future for your kids.

I want to work, but I work in a volatile industry, and I am an anxious person. I want to be able to live on one income (his) and save my income / use it for things like college savings and vacations. I overwork now because of anxiety. I think I might be able to work less and stress about work less if he showed more initiative to earn more. I think this would give us the balance you are describing.

It sounds like that should all still be possible with his position and you taking a more flexible job.

Anonymous wrote:My DH did this and six months later I filed for divorce. You are an idiot if you think that life with a newborn and 3 year old will be better as a single parent than with a lower earning partner who is the kids father.

I really doubt you are as high earning as you think you are.

Yup. She's delulu and a failed gold digger, and now resents it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

So you just dont want to work at all, and have your husband support you, but he doesnt make enough? It sounds like you wont let DH take on more household responsibility so you are running yourself ragged trying to do both. Take a more relaxed position, and both work towards a healthy happy future for your kids.

I want to work, but I work in a volatile industry, and I am an anxious person. I want to be able to live on one income (his) and save my income / use it for things like college savings and vacations. I overwork now because of anxiety. I think I might be able to work less and stress about work less if he showed more initiative to earn more. I think this would give us the balance you are describing.