Anonymous
02/09/2023 14:22
Subject: Re:Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page
the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.
Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?
And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?
You are kidding, right?
I’m trying to say that people with autism by definition appear non-typical and are not generally described as charming social butterflies with no social difficulties out of the home.
That is fine, but there are very few people who I would put into that category, of all of the successful social people I know, there's generally aways something of a handicap- an edge, rough social graces or limited manners, conceit, insecurity, anxiety, etc etc- very few people that I would describe as "charming social butterflies with no social difficulties" period.
Ok let’s define the thing in a totally different way than anyone else would define it. But sure, if your definition of “charming and socially successful” is “has friends but is a nervous in public with limited manners and social anxiety!” then I guess that person could be autistic.
Yeah this thing of you can appear totally socially normal but be secretly autistic is bs. Maybe if someone barely knows you but certainly not if you are engaged.
That being said the majority of humans have some autistic traits we just have no idea where the cutoff is between ‘traits’ and ‘full blown autism’ and there’s no consensus so we’re left to hash it out on the battlefields of dcum every week
Agree.
The adult autistic family members in my family socialize very in the following ways:
Ask people the same 3-4 questions each and every time. Then listen but don’t respond.
Quickly turn a conversation to work, say a few industry or deal things.
Talk about their current obsession and don’t see eyes glazing over.
The elder in his 70s can’t really follow new topics at all.
There is rarely a back and forth discussion going or the sharing of personal lives or opinions.
The neurotypical person may be quite talkative and carry the convo. But not realize it.
Basically if you occasionally saw them and spoke with them, why would you suspect autism? You’d have to vacation with them for an extended period and even then, may not pick up or triangulate to autism. Most people give others the benefit of the doubt. Even at work.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 14:21
Subject: Re:Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page
the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.
Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?
And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?
You are kidding, right?
I’m trying to say that people with autism by definition appear non-typical and are not generally described as charming social butterflies with no social difficulties out of the home.
Please cite.
ummm ….
Anonymous
02/09/2023 14:19
Subject: Re:Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page
the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.
Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?
And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?
You are kidding, right?
I’m trying to say that people with autism by definition appear non-typical and are not generally described as charming social butterflies with no social difficulties out of the home.
Please cite.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 14:12
Subject: Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:My DH has some characteristics of HFA, but I knew and recognized those signs while we were dating. Poor eye contact if stressed, adherence to routine, depth of knowledge in subjects of interest, etc. Fast forward, and our son has an ASD Level 1 diagnosis. No surprise.
I just don’t understand the wives who seem surprised to learn of DH’s autism. They must have been ignoring the signs because I’m 100% sure the signs were there.
First off the symptoms you listed overlap with a variety of things and let’s face it, most people born in the 1970s, 80s, and even 90s are not well versed in the DSM to be dating and suspecting a diagnosis. Plus everyone tries to be on their best behavior and have a simple life of college, grad school or work/eat.
So unless you lived together a while or went through some trying times, no major symptom patterns would emerge. And if they did, did you know what aspergers was outside of the movies?
Anonymous
02/09/2023 14:07
Subject: Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.
This rings true to me. Children are usually a huge game changer, and the ASD spouse will seek refuge in work or other special interests once life ups the ante of what is expected of them as a spouse and parent. The demands of parenting are pretty unforgiving.
Also, regarding the dating phase, during this time the potential love interest / future spouse falls into the category of one of their "special interests" - a topic, hobby, or thing / person that the autistic individual cherishes / obsesses over. It comes off like real infatuation... It is real. Like any relationship, though, the infatuation recedes. The issue is that once it recedes, there isn't the same base of love and partnership, an assumed joint effort that you might have in a neurotypical relationship. It is just like they move on, leaving you holding the bag of the house / life / children, and you're completely at a loss, lonely and overworked, while they invest obsessively in other directions.
Very true. The more on their plate the more they can recede into their own little world. I am glad my spouse has cooking and reading series books as his special interests so he can at least make dinner or read to the kids. Everything else is left to me. If you have the finances, outsource what you can. Recently, I hired someone to come once a week to do things like declutter, organize, cut up fruit, unbox any packages, etc... and it is so worth the money because as a spouse to ASD spouse/child you're already pretty exhausted! I call the "mental load" of taking care of things for the house, all the activities/therapies involved with special need kids that's hard to do alone when you work and not as easy to outsource. It's maybe small pieces individually but it really adds up together.
Anonymous
02/07/2023 22:33
Subject: Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.
This rings true to me. Children are usually a huge game changer, and the ASD spouse will seek refuge in work or other special interests once life ups the ante of what is expected of them as a spouse and parent. The demands of parenting are pretty unforgiving.
Also, regarding the dating phase, during this time the potential love interest / future spouse falls into the category of one of their "special interests" - a topic, hobby, or thing / person that the autistic individual cherishes / obsesses over. It comes off like real infatuation... It is real. Like any relationship, though, the infatuation recedes. The issue is that once it recedes, there isn't the same base of love and partnership, an assumed joint effort that you might have in a neurotypical relationship. It is just like they move on, leaving you holding the bag of the house / life / children, and you're completely at a loss, lonely and overworked, while they invest obsessively in other directions.
+100
Anonymous
02/07/2023 20:26
Subject: Re:Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page
the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.
Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?
And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?
You are kidding, right?
I’m trying to say that people with autism by definition appear non-typical and are not generally described as charming social butterflies with no social difficulties out of the home.
That is fine, but there are very few people who I would put into that category, of all of the successful social people I know, there's generally aways something of a handicap- an edge, rough social graces or limited manners, conceit, insecurity, anxiety, etc etc- very few people that I would describe as "charming social butterflies with no social difficulties" period.
Ok let’s define the thing in a totally different way than anyone else would define it. But sure, if your definition of “charming and socially successful” is “has friends but is a nervous in public with limited manners and social anxiety!” then I guess that person could be autistic.
Yeah this thing of you can appear totally socially normal but be secretly autistic is bs. Maybe if someone barely knows you but certainly not if you are engaged.
That being said the majority of humans have some autistic traits we just have no idea where the cutoff is between ‘traits’ and ‘full blown autism’ and there’s no consensus so we’re left to hash it out on the battlefields of dcum every week
Anonymous
02/07/2023 20:21
Subject: Re:Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page
the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.
Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?
And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?
You are kidding, right?
I’m trying to say that people with autism by definition appear non-typical and are not generally described as charming social butterflies with no social difficulties out of the home.
That is fine, but there are very few people who I would put into that category, of all of the successful social people I know, there's generally aways something of a handicap- an edge, rough social graces or limited manners, conceit, insecurity, anxiety, etc etc- very few people that I would describe as "charming social butterflies with no social difficulties" period.
Ok let’s define the thing in a totally different way than anyone else would define it. But sure, if your definition of “charming and socially successful” is “has friends but is a nervous in public with limited manners and social anxiety!” then I guess that person could be autistic.
Anonymous
02/07/2023 19:45
Subject: Re:Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page
the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.
Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?
And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?
You are kidding, right?
I’m trying to say that people with autism by definition appear non-typical and are not generally described as charming social butterflies with no social difficulties out of the home.
That is fine, but there are very few people who I would put into that category, of all of the successful social people I know, there's generally aways something of a handicap- an edge, rough social graces or limited manners, conceit, insecurity, anxiety, etc etc- very few people that I would describe as "charming social butterflies with no social difficulties" period.
Anonymous
02/07/2023 19:41
Subject: Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of "masking" on both ends. Some traits that are a non-issue in the early years of the marriage when there is generally less stress become huge problems when there is more stress and less margin fir error. Maybe in the beginning, one spouse doesn't notice or think it's anything unusual when the other spouse needs to spend an hour every day after work alone in the room reading. Now, with two kids under 5, the spouse is not only adjusting their needs down, but demands two hours of unwind and tantrums if they don't get it.
This rings true to me. Children are usually a huge game changer, and the ASD spouse will seek refuge in work or other special interests once life ups the ante of what is expected of them as a spouse and parent. The demands of parenting are pretty unforgiving.
Also, regarding the dating phase, during this time the potential love interest / future spouse falls into the category of one of their "special interests" - a topic, hobby, or thing / person that the autistic individual cherishes / obsesses over. It comes off like real infatuation... It is real. Like any relationship, though, the infatuation recedes. The issue is that once it recedes, there isn't the same base of love and partnership, an assumed joint effort that you might have in a neurotypical relationship. It is just like they move on, leaving you holding the bag of the house / life / children, and you're completely at a loss, lonely and overworked, while they invest obsessively in other directions.
Anonymous
02/07/2023 19:38
Subject: Re:Spouses with hfa
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I was just reading this in the Relationship threads.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110436.page
the OP in that thread appears to be sincere. But then there are some usual suspects who claim that their husbands are “extremely charming” “very successful” and yet autistic (diagnosed by the wife of course). These women are using “autistic”
as an insult to describe their jerk spouses.
Are you seriously trying to say that spouses with ASD can not possibly be charming and/or successful?
And you think they have not been diagnosed as having ASD why? You live with them, all of them?
You are kidding, right?
I’m trying to say that people with autism by definition appear non-typical and are not generally described as charming social butterflies with no social difficulties out of the home.