Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wanted to add that today he called several people - family and close friends (2 of whom are sober) - and shared his addiction. He is hopeful that this will help him be accountable and have more of a community. These phone calls were prompted by my saying how isolated I felt that this was like a secret in our home. He also found 3 treatment programs on his health insurance website and left messages. He said he is a little concerned about the possible waiting time before he's able to get into a program.

I think these are good steps and I hope to muster more enthusiasm about them tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

OP here. This is one area where I'm doing okay and am set up pretty well, among the rest of the chaos. The biggest issue would be that I switched to part-time a few months ago to stay home with our daughter, and am on his health insurance. We had similar incomes when I worked full time and I would be able to ramp back up, but I really like being home with her. Obviously that would not be an option if we separated. Hopefully he gets his act together. I want to believe in him but today I am completely exhausted by all the lying.

You need to be real. He will likely get fired at some point. You need a full time job.

Sounds like OP can ramp up to full-time when she needs to. She may need a few weeks of remaining PT to deal with things and shore up the walls. But yeah, maybe she should speak with her supervisor about resuming FT at some point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

OP here. This is one area where I'm doing okay and am set up pretty well, among the rest of the chaos. The biggest issue would be that I switched to part-time a few months ago to stay home with our daughter, and am on his health insurance. We had similar incomes when I worked full time and I would be able to ramp back up, but I really like being home with her. Obviously that would not be an option if we separated. Hopefully he gets his act together. I want to believe in him but today I am completely exhausted by all the lying.

You need to be real. He will likely get fired at some point. You need a full time job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

OP here. This is one area where I'm doing okay and am set up pretty well, among the rest of the chaos. The biggest issue would be that I switched to part-time a few months ago to stay home with our daughter, and am on his health insurance. We had similar incomes when I worked full time and I would be able to ramp back up, but I really like being home with her. Obviously that would not be an option if we separated. Hopefully he gets his act together. I want to believe in him but today I am completely exhausted by all the lying.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wanted to add that today he called several people - family and close friends (2 of whom are sober) - and shared his addiction. He is hopeful that this will help him be accountable and have more of a community. These phone calls were prompted by my saying how isolated I felt that this was like a secret in our home. He also found 3 treatment programs on his health insurance website and left messages. He said he is a little concerned about the possible waiting time before he's able to get into a program.

I think these are good steps and I hope to muster more enthusiasm about them tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the "Minimal amount of secret drinking" thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/983882.page

Today I'm not in a good place. DH stayed sober for 2 weeks. Two nights ago, on Thursday evening, I went and had dinner with a friend after putting our toddler to bed. DH stayed home with toddler and took about 6 shots of tequila. He didn't have access to booze in the house so he ordered on one of those booze delivery apps. It makes my heart feel cold that he could do this when DD is in his care, even if she's asleep. I said, "what if she needed you?" and he said "I was fine" before acquiescing to the fact that no one is fine after 6 shots. Before this, I felt a lot more sympathy for DH but today I am struggling to feel anything but negativity.

This only came to light because the following day, yesterday, I saw him take a pull from this bottle in his work bag as he was wrapping up his work from home day. He still tried to lie to my face.

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up. Thinking about the future and what DD and I will have to deal with makes me want to throw up.

Also - a bunch of PPs recommended Al-Anon, and I was able to go to a virtual meeting this week which was really good. The people were so nice. I am going to try to do another meeting soon.

There is more, but I wanted to get this out of my head while I have a minute. Thanks again to everyone who has been so kind to me.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the "Minimal amount of secret drinking" thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/983882.page

Today I'm not in a good place. DH stayed sober for 2 weeks. Two nights ago, on Thursday evening, I went and had dinner with a friend after putting our toddler to bed. DH stayed home with toddler and took about 6 shots of tequila. He didn't have access to booze in the house so he ordered on one of those booze delivery apps. It makes my heart feel cold that he could do this when DD is in his care, even if she's asleep. I said, "what if she needed you?" and he said "I was fine" before acquiescing to the fact that no one is fine after 6 shots. Before this, I felt a lot more sympathy for DH but today I am struggling to feel anything but negativity.

This only came to light because the following day, yesterday, I saw him take a pull from this bottle in his work bag as he was wrapping up his work from home day. He still tried to lie to my face.

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up. Thinking about the future and what DD and I will have to deal with makes me want to throw up.

Also - a bunch of PPs recommended Al-Anon, and I was able to go to a virtual meeting this week which was really good. The people were so nice. I am going to try to do another meeting soon.

There is more, but I wanted to get this out of my head while I have a minute. Thanks again to everyone who has been so kind to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. As someone who divorced an alcoholic, this isn’t going to work if he views you as the enforcer of his sobriety. He needs to want this for himself. You can be angry and disappointed, but if the only reason he’s sober any given day is because you’re watching, he’s always going to have set backs when you’re not around. Which is going to just fuel your anger and resentment.

You’re in an awful place. Your husband isn’t a bad person, he’s an addicted person. Unfortunately, your priority has to be the safety of your child, and if you feel she’s unsafe, you need to leave until your husband is in actual, committed recovery.

This is OP. I have wondered if he would need for us to separate physically in order to take sobriety seriously. He only talks about taking action. I might consider asking him to go stay with a friend or something. I am not leaving our house with DD.

Also we are supposed to be doing a weekend away next weekend. Right now I can't stand the thought of 3 days in close quarters. I'm already so stressed out.

There are no good answers. The weekend away, if it’s just you two, could be good. Him staying with a friend could just lead to excessive drinking. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking this seriously, but it’s impossible to know what his rock bottom is that will make him want to change.

My ex’s rock bottom was me leaving. He moved back to his home town, is in recovery, and now happily married with two kids. But it took me leaving for him to get there, and he’s still a recovering alcoholic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. As someone who divorced an alcoholic, this isn’t going to work if he views you as the enforcer of his sobriety. He needs to want this for himself. You can be angry and disappointed, but if the only reason he’s sober any given day is because you’re watching, he’s always going to have set backs when you’re not around. Which is going to just fuel your anger and resentment.

You’re in an awful place. Your husband isn’t a bad person, he’s an addicted person. Unfortunately, your priority has to be the safety of your child, and if you feel she’s unsafe, you need to leave until your husband is in actual, committed recovery.

This is OP. I have wondered if he would need for us to separate physically in order to take sobriety seriously. He only talks about taking action. I might consider asking him to go stay with a friend or something. I am not leaving our house with DD.

Also we are supposed to be doing a weekend away next weekend. Right now I can't stand the thought of 3 days in close quarters. I'm already so stressed out.