Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 08:56     Subject: Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just have no idea what to do (well, I do) ... but I feel completely stunned.


If this stuns you, you're kind of an idiot. It's been going on for your entire relationship, FFS.

On another note, OP, why would you want to "shake" a red flag? The entire purpose of red flags is to identify an issue that needs to be addressed. You are actively trying to ignore it. This is no way to live your life.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 08:54     Subject: Re:Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to play devils advocate here. I don't think him spending all of his free time with his family is insane. As someone who is not close to any siblings and is an orphan, I hope to marry a man like this. I have dated men that spend their free time on the golf course, at the bar, at the office, etc. If a man values his family and wants to spend time with them, I would respect that and would hope they welcome me. There are much worse places he could be.


Agree. Although it doesn't sound like this is a good match for OP. She, like many women on DCUM, would rather cut the family out altogether. She needs to find someone equally dysfunctional and weary of any blood relationships.



Projecting a little, aren't you? Nowhere is that even hinted at. Surely you can see a middle ground between seeing family 2-3 times a week and cutting off all contact?
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 08:48     Subject: Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Anonymous wrote:I’m having serious cold feet.

My soon to be husband is way too close to his family. His family means literally – everything – to him.

*He spent two days in the hospital with his sister when she was in labor. He posted several pictures of his niece on Facebook yet he has never in three years posted a single picture of us aside from his Facebook profile. I’m not mad at all that he posted these photos on Facebook, I am just upset that he clearly values his family way above and beyond our relationship.
*I feel overwhelmed by the amount of time he spends with his family. I’m not comfortable with it. I feel like his family is and will always come first, I will come second.
*He spent 6-8 months/year working in remote conditions. When he would come home he would scurry off to his parents house to see his family for 4-5 nights a week and come home late and I would be sitting there waiting for him.
*He still sees his family 3 times per week, this is something I am grudgingly coming to terms with. I see my own family 2-3 times/year and talk to them on the phone probably once a week for comparison.
*He is obsessed with his nephew and gets frustrated when I show lack of interest. I don’t have any kids and am personally not really interested in other peoples kids – I am however very interested in having kids of my own.
*He forgot to buy me a birthday present one year, yet would ask me what kind of shoes he should buy his sister.
*On that note, he constantly talks about his siblings. His sister in particular, I mean he brings up anecdotes about her daily.
*If he has ANY free time, I mean any where it’s not spending time with me. He will go over to his parent or brother-in-law and sister’s house and wait until I go home for him to go home. The man can’t spend any time by himself.
*He has always lived at home, except for a 3 year relationship with his ex. He has never had his own apartment or living space.

I am freaking out about the likelihood of dealing with this for the rest of my life. The wedding is in two weeks. We have had SEVERAL conversations about this and he has made some changes but I constantly feel like I am coming in second-best.




Is this even possible??
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 08:48     Subject: Re:Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
This is dumb. We only know one side to the story. Almost anyone could write a list of negatives about their significant other and post it on here and have everyone tell them to leave. I could make my husband sound horrible if I wanted to. Except he's not - he's amazing. Not sure what's up with OP but I'm not convinced everything is the way she portrays it and that breaking off the engagement is the right thing to do.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 08:46     Subject: Re:Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Run!!!

Even at the risk of permanent spinsterhood (sorry if the word offends), get out of this. It's like his sister is his wife to be and you're just along for the ride.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 08:26     Subject: Re:Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to play devils advocate here. I don't think him spending all of his free time with his family is insane. As someone who is not close to any siblings and is an orphan, I hope to marry a man like this. I have dated men that spend their free time on the golf course, at the bar, at the office, etc. If a man values his family and wants to spend time with them, I would respect that and would hope they welcome me. There are much worse places he could be.


Agree. Although it doesn't sound like this is a good match for OP. She, like many women on DCUM, would rather cut the family out altogether. She needs to find someone equally dysfunctional and weary of any blood relationships.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 02:23     Subject: Re:Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Is he willing to move away from his family once you get married?
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 02:14     Subject: Re:Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
I had a friend who cancelled about three weeks prior to her wedding. This was about 8 years ago. I felt only compassion for her, as it was clearly a painful and sad decision. A few years later, she met someone new, and is now married and much happier.

Your friends and family are going to you wedding because they love and support you. They want the best for you and will understand if he's not the one.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2017 02:02     Subject: Re:Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm going to play devils advocate here. I don't think him spending all of his free time with his family is insane. As someone who is not close to any siblings and is an orphan, I hope to marry a man like this. I have dated men that spend their free time on the golf course, at the bar, at the office, etc. If a man values his family and wants to spend time with them, I would respect that and would hope they welcome me. There are much worse places he could be.


But the difference is that's what you WANT. There definitely people out there who don't have a family unit of their own but have always longed for one -- those people are the perfect fit for fiancé's family. It's not always a bad situation - you hang out with these people like 5 days a week, your kids grow up with their kids, you watch all the kids grow up together and all the adults grow old together, and while there may be squabbles, you truly end up as a family. BUT it only works when the person marrying in wants that. You're the kind of woman OP's fiancé needs. When the person marrying in - doesn't want it; resents it; thinks it's weird -- before they're even married, it will never work. Sure they may marry and be together for a long time - but OP will remain resentful for a LONG LONG time.




Yeah, the problem here is that they're not a match. She needs someone less intense, and he needs someone who wants to hang out with him and his family frequently. Exact details can be worked out and compromised, but the underlying values about family and independence should be similar.

Op--like nearly everyone else suggests, I would suggest calling off the wedding. A round of embarrassing phone calls will be far less painful than years if resentment and eventual divorce.
Anonymous
Post 04/04/2017 22:18     Subject: Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Anonymous wrote:
OP - give your fiance this link:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/633039.page

These two would be perfect for each other. Maybe you all can trade spouses.


No they wouldn't. There would be constant conflict between who they spent time with. They would probably count the minutes each of them spent with their own families and argue over each other "spending 3 minutes more with your family than with my family" There would be arguments over who to spend every weekend with let alone holidays. They would end up seeing each other only 1-2 days a week because they would each go back to their families. And ultimately would break up because they had grown so distant. "He just never wants to be with my family!" "She won't come to Sunday dinner at Mom's and that's just a crime!" This is like two narcissists getting married and the marriage failing because each spends so much time looking at themselves in the mirror they forget what their spouse looks like.
Anonymous
Post 04/04/2017 22:17     Subject: Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
22:10 here. And please, please fix these issues before you have children. Don't be like me. Already have children with this man and cancelling a wedding. I feel like I'm disappointing my child by not making her "family" work. It's very heartbreaking. Please fix it before having kids. PLEASE.
Anonymous
Post 04/04/2017 22:10     Subject: Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
OP, I'm not in a position to give advice, as my situation is much worse, but I wanted to say I understand you. I am supposed to get married in June and am also calling off the wedding (for stronger reasons than you listed). I am embarrassed to cancel, but I know it's right. People ask me if I'm excited, if I'm ready, tell me they've picked their dates and outfits, and I feel horrible knowing that I'm calling it off. I'm sad that my parents lose deposit money, I'm sad all of the effort went to waste. But my parents and close friends support me and anyone who truly loves and cares about me won't judge or condemn me for cancelling. You should feel the same way!

Amongst many other issues, my fiancé is exactly the same as yours as it relates to his family. He also spends several days per week at his parents' house. I have come to learn that he is dependent on them (and me). He has no life outside of me, his kids and his parents and sibling. If he isn't talking to me, he's talking to his mom. He goes with them or me everywhere. He doesn't have a strong social life and very few friends. He has poor self esteem.

Try to think deeper as to why your fiancé is with his family so much. Is he dependent on them? Does he have a life outside of them? It may be a bigger problem than you realize, such as in my case. It may really deeply describe the type of person he is and what he is lacking.

Good luck OP!
Anonymous
Post 04/04/2017 22:07     Subject: Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
NP here. What you post would be a deal breaker for me.

Being close to family is one thing, but what you describe strikes me as a flag that there's some sort of codependency issues in his family. Does he have close friends outside of family? That's an important question. If he does not, then something is amiss.
Anonymous
Post 04/04/2017 22:04     Subject: Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.

Let me explain it in terms you can understand. This is about everybody saving face, but more importantly, it's about diagnosing this man. His behavior is outside the norm and warrants some type of expert evaluation.

Delay.
Delay.
Delay.
Then, when he's gone to a psychologist and to therapy and hasn't gotten better, you can call it off in good conscience.

What you'll find is that he is probably a deeply anxious person with a social communication disorder.

While you may be able to live with that (complaining and suffering all the while), the problem is that these things are hereditary to some degree.
You want kids - do you want them to inherit those traits? The anxiety will manifest itself in lots of different, yet all burdensome, ways.
I can tell you it's even harder dealing with a family of affected people than with just one affected spouse (ask me how I know).

Anonymous
Post 04/04/2017 22:03     Subject: Re:Freaking out a bit. Wedding is in two weeks and I can't shake obvious red flags.
Hey OP, let me ask you a question. Are you and your fiancée from different cultural backgrounds? We had a cousin who is super close to her mom and sisters, and her ex-husband didn't understand why she spent so much time with them. It's a cultural thing- just the way they grew up. Long story short, they married (huge wedding!!) and had a baby shortly after. Her mother moved in for a year to help them out. Free child care, cooking, let them sleep in, thought she was "helping". It's normal in some cultures. My sister came 2 days in a row when I delivered, and yes we dote over each other's scholdren. Isn't that normal? Depends on your upbringing. So well one morning when the baby was about 14 months, my cousins husband packed his bags and moved out. He never returned. They divorced and the mom and grandma raised the child by themselves. My cousin didn't understand that he needed to have space from her immediate family, and failed to empathize with him and his needs. Show your fiancée this thread now. Now is the time to discuss & call it off. I can guarantee you my cousins ex-husband bottled up his feelings until he couldn't anymore. The next time I saw them "together" was at the HS graduation of their child. Don't do that. Don't be a coward. Speak up now and break it off.

**Everything that bothers you when you are dating is magnified by 100,000,000 when married***. Trust me on that.