Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's a paid session 8 weeks so it's not pay as you go. He was my ex partner (boyfriend) for 7 years. He just thinks he controls everything and what he says goes this is why we aren't together and I declined his proposal.

So you never bothered to marry this "partner" of yours, after 7 years, and yet you went ahead and had a child with him. And now of course, you're separated, because "he is an ass." (your words) Yet you still think you have control over him, and his time with HIS child.

You sound like a real winner, OP. Please do yourself and your daughter a favor and get some therapy.

+1 OP is an ass. And all of the smart ass comments like "Duh", etc... reflect that. OP, funny how you're a genius now, but you didn't flex any of that cerebral prowess when you making stupid decisions like having a kid out of wedlock with an "ass". He may be an ass, but you've one-upped him by being a dumb ass!

You know, if the OP had come to this forum when she was pregnant asking what she should do in her situation, she would have gotten a number of responses from people just like you suggesting that she build a life for the child, with or without the child's father being involved. If she'd come on this forum telling a story of "I got pregnant and so we got married and he's an ass", she would hear a lot of "Well, maybe you shouldn't have married him, then" responses from posters like you.

It sounds to me like the OP decided not to marry a man who wasn't a good partner. I think that decision would be that much harder if there was a child involved, and I think that having the child anyway, separating, and negotiating what sounds like a not awesome co-parenting relationship is a much more mature decision than many of the alternatives. She is taking responsibility for her pregnancy by having the child, and it sounds like her daughter has a relationship with her father, so by the usual standards of this smug-as-hell board for women who don't plan their entire lives with a slide rule, she's actually doing just fine. We're all allowed to vent about things that frustrate us.

As for the issue of activities, I would caution many of you about saying "Well, you should only put your child in activities that fall on your days" because it doesn't work that way. The OP signed her child up for ONE activity (and mentioned another activity that sounds like it's concluded). That is hardly overscheduling. Weekend mornings are a pretty common time for activities like this one to occur, and while I agree that if the OP is constantly scheduling things for her ex to take her DD to it's a problem, it doesn't sound like that's what's going on. It sounds like he's blowing off an activity of her choosing that cannot be rescheduled for a more convenient time to go to an activity of his own choosing that could happen on any morning and then being a jerk to OP unnecessarily when she called to remind him. There are graceful ways to handle that phone call. It sounds like neither person on the phone chose any of those ways.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you 100%, OP. I'm betting that the vast majority of those jumping on you are people who have not walked in these shoes. I thank you for this thread. I am divorcing now and had not considered what would happen when an activity falls on his weekend. I've added that to my very long list of things to include in the divorce agreement or decree.

Things to include in your divorce decree:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/190333.page

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's a paid session 8 weeks so it's not pay as you go. He was my ex partner (boyfriend) for 7 years. He just thinks he controls everything and what he says goes this is why we aren't together and I declined his proposal.

So you never bothered to marry this "partner" of yours, after 7 years, and yet you went ahead and had a child with him. And now of course, you're separated, because "he is an ass." (your words) Yet you still think you have control over him, and his time with HIS child.

You sound like a real winner, OP. Please do yourself and your daughter a favor and get some therapy.

+1 OP is an ass. And all of the smart ass comments like "Duh", etc... reflect that. OP, funny how you're a genius now, but you didn't flex any of that cerebral prowess when you making stupid decisions like having a kid out of wedlock with an "ass". He may be an ass, but you've one-upped him by being a dumb ass!

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but he has the right to decide what to do with his time with his daughter. Totally valid and healthy to have a relaxed breakfast instead of rushing her off to an "activity."

This. If you want the kid in gymnastics, sign her up for a session that occurs during the week and not on his days. You have to give up that control. It's part of the package of being divorced. I'm in your shoes too. Don't make the mistakes I did. You're not in a partnership with shard decision making anymore. Cope with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you 100%, OP. I'm betting that the vast majority of those jumping on you are people who have not walked in these shoes. I thank you for this thread. I am divorcing now and had not considered what would happen when an activity falls on his weekend. I've added that to my very long list of things to include in the divorce agreement or decree.

My husband is a NCP with a nasty ex-wife who tries her best to take his money and block all contact. It sucks. And, you can see the damage it is doing to the kids.

Top poster here. I agree with the pp that you have to pick your battles, there are PLENTY of other battles in which I chose not to engage. And if the kids don't want to go to an activity, ok. But if he is electing not to take them to get at me, then, yes, I will fight that battle for them and because classes are not free. I can see them missing a championship game or big gymnastics meet because he wants to be an a$@ to me.

And to this poster, I have never kept our children away from my ex. He can see them or talk to them as often as he wishes. I say nothing but positive things about him to them. And for a long time I pretended we were still on the same page as far as parenting. But my kids are getting a bit older and starting to realize that Mommy and Daddy are NOT in this together. My ex is NPD/BPD and has serious anxiety issues. He is out to punish me at all costs, even to the detriment of our children. Divorcing a person with BPD is not the same as divorcing a mentally stable person. The more you acquiesce the more they come after you. So even if you "play dead" they just up the ante. It's a different world. You have to draw clear boundaries and stick to them, and not get sucked into the verbal wars that they thrive on. No tit for tat nonsense...these are the boundaries and that's it!

I think many posters are looking at this situation through one lens, but there are people who are parallel parenting with someone who has serious mental health challenges. That is not to say OP is one of them, but I am. I'm just an everyday mom trying to do the best I can for my kids and leaving an emotionally and verbally abusive ex was the first step. It was likely headed to physical abuse (he was getting increasingly more physical in his threats), but I wasn't waiting around for that.

And, yes, I will be able to enforce them. My STBXH is an attorney, so I have a bit of leverage in that he needs his license to practice and violating court orders is not okay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's a paid session 8 weeks so it's not pay as you go. He was my ex partner (boyfriend) for 7 years. He just thinks he controls everything and what he says goes this is why we aren't together and I declined his proposal.

So you never bothered to marry this "partner" of yours, after 7 years, and yet you went ahead and had a child with him. And now of course, you're separated, because "he is an ass." (your words) Yet you still think you have control over him, and his time with HIS child.

You sound like a real winner, OP. Please do yourself and your daughter a favor and get some therapy.

Wtf? You sound unhinged. What does not marrying have to do with anything? Half of marriages end in divorce anyway. Marriage isn't the be all and end all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you 100%, OP. I'm betting that the vast majority of those jumping on you are people who have not walked in these shoes. I thank you for this thread. I am divorcing now and had not considered what would happen when an activity falls on his weekend. I've added that to my very long list of things to include in the divorce agreement or decree.

Really? So you think you can control every little thing that happens outside of your presence? Good luck with that one. Fight the big fights and don't sweat the small stuff. Gymnastics on a Saturday morning is and will always be "small stuff."

If you seriously think that you can write something like that into a divorce decree AND enforce it, you are a crazy, controlling fool. The energy you spend on this kind of stuff is energy you're taking away from your kid and from you moving on with your life. I know. I have been there. Do not let pettiness and your need to control everything drag you down. No kid wants that in a parent.

Oh your a nasty little badger aren't you?

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like signing her up for activities on the weekend needs to be a joint decision. Did you ask him first, since he has custody on some weekends?

U pp are an asshole

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you 100%, OP. I'm betting that the vast majority of those jumping on you are people who have not walked in these shoes. I thank you for this thread. I am divorcing now and had not considered what would happen when an activity falls on his weekend. I've added that to my very long list of things to include in the divorce agreement or decree.

My husband is a NCP with a nasty ex-wife who tries her best to take his money and block all contact. It sucks. And, you can see the damage it is doing to the kids.

OP, I'm with you. It is annoying, and your ex is being an ass. gymnastics is expensive around here, and classes build upon each other, so if you miss one class, you're behind the next time. Would these posters be ok with your ex taking her to breakfast instead of taking her to school because he felt like it? That wouldn't be ok. What about when she's on a team someday and her team is depending on her to show up or practices and games or meets? Would it be ok for him to skip out on that stuff just to be an ass? Not ok.

My ex and I decide on activities together, because we split weekends. We pick a mutually convenient time and place (south Arlington, between our two homes), and then he always takes her. He's skipped one or two classes for ok reasons, so I let it slide. good luck.

OP,
I totally get your situation, because I have known men like this (I'm sure there must be women like this too, but maybe less???).

DH also does similar things occasionally, when he's very angry at me. He strenuously denies that it's "revenge". I believe he has so little self-awareness in these moments that he can't even see that his behavior is totally childish and self-centered. Weird!

Anyway. Take a deep breath. It's not the end of the world.

OP, my husband and I are still married, but I work on one day each weekend. If my son isn't in the mood to go to his weekend soccer class that day from time to time, DH lets him skip. I don't see it as that big a deal, even though I would probably make him go to every one if I were watching him that day. I am imagining that your upsetness is part of a larger issue not limited to your ex letting her skip the class.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you 100%, OP. I'm betting that the vast majority of those jumping on you are people who have not walked in these shoes. I thank you for this thread. I am divorcing now and had not considered what would happen when an activity falls on his weekend. I've added that to my very long list of things to include in the divorce agreement or decree.

Really? So you think you can control every little thing that happens outside of your presence? Good luck with that one. Fight the big fights and don't sweat the small stuff. Gymnastics on a Saturday morning is and will always be "small stuff."

If you seriously think that you can write something like that into a divorce decree AND enforce it, you are a crazy, controlling fool. The energy you spend on this kind of stuff is energy you're taking away from your kid and from you moving on with your life. I know. I have been there. Do not let pettiness and your need to control everything drag you down. No kid wants that in a parent.

I'm with you 100%, OP. I'm betting that the vast majority of those jumping on you are people who have not walked in these shoes. I thank you for this thread. I am divorcing now and had not considered what would happen when an activity falls on his weekend. I've added that to my very long list of things to include in the divorce agreement or decree.

Most classes make up. We are in Gymnastics and if we miss a class it is no big deal and we make it up later on.