I’ll agree with the article about what MIL and DIL are likely fighting over, but blaming all DILs for starting the family battles is just wrong. It’s like answering ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg.’

A DIL’s presence may trigger the problems but it doesn’t mean DIL started it. Just because MILs are older, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are emotionally mature and have healthy relationship skills. MILs may have undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders, same as some DILs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a MIL who thinks her son should prioritize her over his kids, over his wife, maybe, but not kids. Most grandmas I know, put their grand kids above their own kids. But, I am not from US, so who knows.

You haven’t met my ILs. Their greatest wish (often expressed) would be for me to take the kids away when they visit so my H could spend every waking moment with them. They don’t seem to realize that he wants to be the one taking the kids where they need to go when they visit just so he can get a break from their suffocating attention seeking. They also wish I would send him to visit on his own, which I have highly encouraged over the years, but again, he has zero interest.

Oh my, the pouting when they came when we had an infant and I was on maternity leave and desperately looked forward to any time my husband was home after work or on the weekends so I could get 5 minutes to myself or take a shower that lasted more than a few minutes....they were so angry he wouldn’t just leave me with the 3 week old and drive them around to tour DC.

+1

This is really quite common - and the wife always somehow gets the blame!

Anonymous wrote:Meh, not really.

From this link: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/deanna-brann-phd/the-mildil-competition-it_b_4461464.html

The main factor in why it’s so different between MILs and DILs is that there’s an undercurrent of competition between the two women — but it’s not what you’re probably thinking. Most of us want to believe that this competition is for the husband/son’s love. That’s not it. The competition is actually for the influence each woman has over this man in the middle.

This is an unspoken competition. Most women will feel some tension around something the other did or said, and then they will find fault with the actions displayed by the other. For example, a DIL may complain that her husband’s mother won’t let go, or a MIL might say that her son’s wife wants to keep him from the rest of his family. Making these statements or having these reactions is really how each woman tries to deal with the covert competition. These statements and/or reactions are the consequence of this undercurrent of competition, not the cause.

I think of it as a scuffle for control of the family culture. Family culture is largely established and maintained by women, so when a man marries, his wife creates the new family's culture. If that culture is at odds with the culture in the husband's family of origin, his mother (who established that family of origin culture) experiences it as a rejection and feels threatened.

+1

Can you imagine if the wife is completely opposite the mother? Don't think that goes unnoticed by the MIL - sh&t *really* hits the fan!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe my observations are different because I don't know that many US DILs and MILs in person, but draw my conclusions on posts here. Here is one of threads that has stuck in my mind, where I can see that DIL will pick any reason to twart her MIL while at the same time being upset that MIL won't come visit.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/683596.page

You have too much time on your hands.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe my observations are different because I don't know that many US DILs and MILs in person, but draw my conclusions on posts here. Here is one of threads that has stuck in my mind, where I can see that DIL will pick any reason to twart her MIL while at the same time being upset that MIL won't come visit.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/683596.page

So you are neither a DIL nor a MIL, plus you don't know many of them in person?

Take.

A.

Seat.

I am assuming that when OP says s/he doesn't have a Mil, it means s/he isn't married, which is the least shocking revelation of the decade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.

You say many DILs are insecure, and that could be. I say many MILs have a hard time letting go of their "baby boys" and realizing that they are not, indeed, the "top dog" any longer, but are now secondary to a wife and children. So they hold on to the idea that they should still get to host all family events, that they should get input into how their son's family lives and how their grandchildren are raised, and that their sons should prioritize them above the wife and family. My MIL still can't get over the fact that her precious little boy (who is almost 40) is a married father and refuses to leave his family so that they can spend Christmas "just the two of them, just this once, like in the old days".

But are they really not a top dog in their son's eyes? At least at the beginning of the marriage? Isn't that why DIL starts the fight? Because, DH is spending times with his mom, because wife sees her husband paying attention to his mom, because he defends his mom from DW's criticism? Why do DILs insist on holding events? To show their supremacy, that is what I think.

No, they are not.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe my observations are different because I don't know that many US DILs and MILs in person, but draw my conclusions on posts here. Here is one of threads that has stuck in my mind, where I can see that DIL will pick any reason to twart her MIL while at the same time being upset that MIL won't come visit.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/683596.page

In this particular thread, there was never a plan for MIL to host. MIL instead said that if she can't prep a turkey on Thanksgiving, she would rather spend the holiday away from her son and grandchild. DIL didn't want to drive for 7 hours with a toddler, which was her main reasoning for hosting. It's hard for me to understand why MIL was so upset about a precooked vs a homemade turkey.

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a MIL who thinks her son should prioritize her over his kids, over his wife, maybe, but not kids. Most grandmas I know, put their grand kids above their own kids. But, I am not from US, so who knows.

You haven’t met my ILs. Their greatest wish (often expressed) would be for me to take the kids away when they visit so my H could spend every waking moment with them. They don’t seem to realize that he wants to be the one taking the kids where they need to go when they visit just so he can get a break from their suffocating attention seeking. They also wish I would send him to visit on his own, which I have highly encouraged over the years, but again, he has zero interest.

Oh my, the pouting when they came when we had an infant and I was on maternity leave and desperately looked forward to any time my husband was home after work or on the weekends so I could get 5 minutes to myself or take a shower that lasted more than a few minutes....they were so angry he wouldn’t just leave me with the 3 week old and drive them around to tour DC.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe my observations are different because I don't know that many US DILs and MILs in person, but draw my conclusions on posts here. Here is one of threads that has stuck in my mind, where I can see that DIL will pick any reason to twart her MIL while at the same time being upset that MIL won't come visit.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/683596.page

So you are neither a DIL nor a MIL, plus you don't know many of them in person?

Take.

A.

Seat.

Anonymous wrote:Great, I agree with the fact that DILs want to host on their own. I love hosting and making a nice big, holiday. But the issue is that DILs have posted about MIL making a fuss and not wanting to come to their holiday celebration. Surely you've seen those? Why not just leave it alone if it is not about taking over? So, MIL won't come, she wants to be home, why post about how she won't come to DIL's house and is making a stink, if it is not about taking over the baton. DIL is offended MIL won't come, why?

NP. I don’t mind when my MIL didn’t come to a holiday. But then she called the day of and whined how she had no family, just neighbors, not the same. Lady, your family is all a 20-minute drive a way. You chose neighbors and your china pattern over your grandkids. Live your choices.

Anonymous wrote:Mine called me a whore and accused me of stealing DH. I'm fairly certain that's a strong indication that she hates me.

Were you?

OP here. Maybe my observations are different because I don't know that many US DILs and MILs in person, but draw my conclusions on posts here. Here is one of threads that has stuck in my mind, where I can see that DIL will pick any reason to twart her MIL while at the same time being upset that MIL won't come visit.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/683596.page

Anonymous wrote:Great, I agree with the fact that DILs want to host on their own. I love hosting and making a nice big, holiday. But the issue is that DILs have posted about MIL making a fuss and not wanting to come to their holiday celebration. Surely you've seen those? Why not just leave it alone if it is not about taking over? So, MIL won't come, she wants to be home, why post about how she won't come to DIL's house and is making a stink, if it is not about taking over the baton. DIL is offended MIL won't come, why?

If we're thinking of the same thread, MIL is not just refusing to attend because she wants to be home, she's insisting on still hosting the entire family plus her friends. She wants to have her own celebration and expects to have the rest of the family there.

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a MIL who thinks her son should prioritize her over his kids, over his wife, maybe, but not kids. Most grandmas I know, put their grand kids above their own kids. But, I am not from US, so who knows.

You haven't met mine then. One year she literally asked my husband to leave me and our young kids (baby and toddler) at home for the holiday break and come celebrate alone with her. Her reasoning was that it would be nice for the two of them to celebrate "like in the old days", and it was fine to leave us because the kids "didn't understand Christmas yet anyway" and I'm of a different religion. She was devastated, didn't speak to her son for months (and blamed me) when he said no. He declined before he even told me about it, but I'm sure it makes her feel better to think I made him say no. We did celebrate at home, like we always do, and she was invited to come join us, but she refused.

I am not from the US either, though husband and MIL are. It saddens me that my MIL views me and her grandkids as competition. I have friends with awesome MILs who provide love and support and eagerly help with the kids. Mine only thinks about herself and shows interest in the grandchildren when it suits her.

I should've known though... when my husband first introduced us, she refused to even acknowledge me and pointedly told her son not to rush things as she was in no hurry/not ready to become a grandma. (We were in our 30s and she was pushing 60).

Great, I agree with the fact that DILs want to host on their own. I love hosting and making a nice big, holiday. But the issue is that DILs have posted about MIL making a fuss and not wanting to come to their holiday celebration. Surely you've seen those? Why not just leave it alone if it is not about taking over? So, MIL won't come, she wants to be home, why post about how she won't come to DIL's house and is making a stink, if it is not about taking over the baton. DIL is offended MIL won't come, why?