See this thread http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/652727.page

Ahh, the old bait and switch. This shit does NOT work. Do you really want to spend your dating time bending over backwards trying to convince these men that you are what they actually want?

Love your kiddo. Own being a devoted Mom. The right person will love you all the more for it.

As a recently separated male, I have faced this same dilemma and I used the exact same logic in making a decision to not tell a date (met online) that I had kids and was recently separated. I wanted to go out, just escape what I was going through and have fun with another adult with just me - well 30% of me. At the time I realized that it was selfish and misleading not to disclose everything but I did want/need the ego boost. A female friend of mine said that, back in the day (pre-Google/Facebook) when you met someone in a bar, grocery store, work conference etc. you didn't have your life's history plastered all over the place so people had a chance to get to know the individual first. It was horrible advice, although I suspect she was just trying to encourage me to go out there.

Anyway, the date went great. I had a great time, she had a great time....and I feel like a total *SS. Definitely disclose it beforehand, if the date wasn't going to happen due to anything that is a part of you, you'll just potentially hurt someone else and feel worse about yourself.

Anonymous wrote:*sigh* well I'm sure he'll text me tomorrow so I'll let him know I have a child. That will be the end of the date before it starts.

Then he's not the guy for you. You do t want a guy who has a knee-jerk reaction to you having a kid!! That's not fair to your kid. Period.

At age 37 I would think most men understand there is a good chance their dating pool is women who are divorced or have kids. If you are just looking for some fun, he probably won't care. If you want something serious, you need to drop it into conversation soon.

One of the first things I learned about my BF is that he has two little girls. I didn't learn more than their ages and names for awhile, but I knew that from our first conversation. I sit on the fence with dating someone with kids because I don't need the added drama of their ex, but he handled his divorce and his girls well and it's something I admire about him now.

I would have felt somewhat betrayed if he had kept the girls a secret for the couple of weeks we talked before our date, and absolutely lied to if he waited until the second date to tell me. My time is valuable. Tell me the truth and I'm much more likely to consider the situation in a positive light.

Not* being totally upfront

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then they suck. You don't want them. And you don't want to waste even 15 minutes on them, or lure them, or con them into thinking they want you for even 1 or 2 or 3 dates. They are flawed and disgusting and horrid human beings who should not be around your beautiful child. How do you not see this?

I'm not trying to con anyone, I just want to be giving a fair chance. Shit, I wish I weren't divorced so I wouldn't have to deal with this crap, but life didn't work out that way.

Does he know youre divorced? Start there.

But if you're so concerned about "giving me a fair chance" you need to change that to "us"...as in you and your kid. Package deal, non negotiatable. It's a steeper hill, but that's how it is. The right guy will not only accept that, but embrace it.

Agree with this PP. I'm divorced, and part of that is because I DON'T want kids. I know this is a big issue for some people so I make it known to them on the first or second date. It's only fair. You will (and already do) look like a complete weirdo for it being totally upfront about your kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then they suck. You don't want them. And you don't want to waste even 15 minutes on them, or lure them, or con them into thinking they want you for even 1 or 2 or 3 dates. They are flawed and disgusting and horrid human beings who should not be around your beautiful child. How do you not see this?

I'm not trying to con anyone, I just want to be giving a fair chance. Shit, I wish I weren't divorced so I wouldn't have to deal with this crap, but life didn't work out that way.

Does he know youre divorced? Start there.

But if you're so concerned about "giving me a fair chance" you need to change that to "us"...as in you and your kid. Package deal, non negotiatable. It's a steeper hill, but that's how it is. The right guy will not only accept that, but embrace it.

And PP why are you anti someone else's kids?

Many people will not date someone who has kids. To be honest, I'm one of them. As soon as you mention that you have kids, that would be the end of it, even if I liked you -- whether it's the first or third date. So, why waste time with someone like me?

Anonymous wrote:In other words, I have a spouse who I love very much. And two kids, 15 and 17, about to ship off to college. And at this point, I would give just about anything to have more time back with my kids ... literally anything - probably even my marriage. ... think about what you are doing. Don't trade your kid away for a random stranger.

I wouldn't do that. My date is on Friday, this weekend is my child's weekend to be with her dad. I would never plan a date during my time with her.

Don't hide your child

In other words, I have a spouse who I love very much. And two kids, 15 and 17, about to ship off to college. And at this point, I would give just about anything to have more time back with my kids ... literally anything - probably even my marriage. ... think about what you are doing. Don't trade your kid away for a random stranger.

I don't know if I can find it, but I read an article that basically discussed if parents of a kid(s) broke up because of divorce, the parents went out and tried to find mates right away, but if the reason that the parents found themselves single was death (widow or widowhood), the need to date was very much more limited. It's as if you feel rejected by a mate, you need to prove you are desirable - so even if you have a kid from the mating to protect, you spend a lot of time trying to find a new mate ... , but if your first mate dies in a car wreck or of cancer or such ... and leaves you with a kid to protect ... well in that case, you hunker down and protect the kid and don't worry so much about whether you have personal fulfillment with your new mate. I don't know your story, but might I suggest that you try to model your life on the latter while you have your child.... if you find a great guy in the mean time, who loves your child as much as you, so much the better. But you won't need to worry about whether and when to talk about your kid.