Anonymous wrote:Just curious if anyone here has aging parents where one spouse wants out? My very conservative non-practicing Catholic parents have been married since 1967. Married right after college graduation. Pregnant with oldest sibling on wedding night. He worked his ads off for our family and she dud everything else and stayed home, even after we were out of the house. Hes retired now. Morbidly obese. Diabetic. Either cannot or will not do anything to help out around the house. Hes a bit of a jackass (hes the guy that will complain to management if his food isn't properly prepared....oy). She comments that being with him is spirit breaking. Shes looking at places to live after he dies *shes assuming he'll go first).

Anyways, just curious if anyone's parents divorced or badly wanted to divorce very late in life? What happened to each parent? How did it affect relationships in the family? Anyone end up being the caregiver to the dependent parent?

The primary question might be finances--who pays for what? I know of several couples who got divorced in their 60s. I know of one that is functionally separated, living in a duplex, with wife and husband having both separate accounts and a joint account for common expenses. It's not perfect, but it takes care of the biggest challenges they face: having different interests, one constantly demanding help and services from the other who is not inclined to give it because the asker does little to help him/herself, not wanting to spend time together in leisure activities (just don't get along). But they can make $ decisions together with just a little arguing. When it comes to the point where they cant do the financial decisionmaking together, I think it makes sense to very seriously consider divorce, that way one person is not accountable for the "poor" decisionmaking of the other. And, yes, when the divorce happens, the kid(s) likely will take up the caregiving slack of the least physically able parent.

Yes. Mom had no money, had to get a job, she moved up here near us. Gives us space, seems to be doing alright and we are trying to get her to save money.

Dad is now estranged and has some odd girlfriend. They were in their late 60s when it happened, now are in their 70s.

Anonymous wrote:I think getting a divorce at this stage is unwise from a financial and practical perspective. Probably better if your mom just moves out on her own. She doesn't need a divorce to do that. Can she move in with you or another sibling?

+1
Get a lawyer.

My FIL and his second wife just finalized their divorce. He’s 72 and she’s 65. They’ve been together about 30 years, have two kids who are in early 20s. She left him. In her defense my FIL is a real a-hole, I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to marry him but somehow he found 2 women who both eventually left him. When she declared she wanted to separate, my FIL started charging her rent because the house was originally his and still in his name, and forced her to sleep on the sofa. I mean he’s a real dick.

My in laws live in a different country with different laws re divorce so the wife was not very well protected despite being married to FIL so long. My DH’s stepmom basically got very little out of the divorce and is struggling very much financially. But at least she’s free! She is a super nice person. I can’t believe it took her so long.

Anonymous wrote:They should divorce if they are truly unhappy, but they must make a realistic plan for finances and logistics of taking care of each other. The burden will fall much more heavily on the children, so the children have the right to ask questions and push for realistic answers.

Face facts, OP, if this happens it will cost you a ton of your own money and a huge amount of time. Caregiving for two seniors in two separate homes requires a lot of time. All of the household admin things are doubled, and you no longer have your mom's help caring for your dad and vice versa.

Think about what you would do if one of them fell down. Even two people who hate each other would call 911. What happens if they live alone?

Yes, definitely repercussions for the entire family. See this thread!

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/593984.page#9778511

My aunt recently decided to file after thirty-some years of separation. We’re wondering if her husband has any grounds to fight the divorce. They have not lived together in three decades and don’t share any property. Obviously no minor children, but two of their kids have disabilities and are somewhat dependent on my aunt’s financial assistance to stay out of real poverty. She can’t afford a $10k divorce, but worries he will inherit half if she dies first.

I think this is more common now that people (especially men) are living longer. It used to be pretty widely acknowledged among women that they would get their "me" time after becoming widowed when the husband was no older than in his early 60s. She would then get to be independent, probably for the first time ever, pursue her own interests, etc. Now things are different with increasing lifespans.