Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

I just need to vent. My parents divorced right before retiring two years ago.

My mother is healthy, happy, has a nice boyfriend she is enjoying traveling with all over. My father sort of fell apart healthwise and has no friends or relatives (all dead beside his children).

I've tried to explain to my mother how difficult it has been for us. We both have jobs and small children and live a few hours away from our dad. But it's sort of like this awkward thing she refuses to acknowledge is happening. I am pissed because my father's health has gone sideways and my sister and I are stuck trying to care for him, which I know is awful, but there is a small part of me who thinks [b]couldn't you have just finished this gig, ma?[b]

Here's an example. My sister cannot take off to help my father recuperate from surgery. So, I take a few days and help get him settled in a rehab center. In the midst of this, my husband has a work crisis that forces him to travel. We were able to get my mother in law to come down to help with our kids, but logistically, it was stressful. During this whole time, my mother knows what is going on and basically ignores every mention of my father and the logistical mess we were in. Like changes the subject to her next cruise with her boyfriend, which is nice and I'm happy for, but the complete absence of empathy or anything helpful is making me resentful.

I don't know what to think. Venting has helped though.

[Anonymous]

Aging parents are stressful for everyone involved.

Sorry you are going through this. Try to cut your mom some slack. You don't know what went on in their marriage. She sounds completely done with him.

My mom died before my dad. When he got sick it was very stressful for me and my siblings. One sibling completely checked out and wouldn't participate in his care at all. It was a mess.

Please vent away and try to be kind to yourself and your sister.

[Anonymous]

Have you expressed your feelings to your mother? Frankly, if my mom was as apathetic about my life challenges, I'd feel resentful too. She is not being a supportive mother to you.

I hope things will get better with your dad. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aging parents are stressful for everyone involved.

Sorry you are going through this. Try to cut your mom some slack. You don't know what went on in their marriage. She sounds completely done with him.

My mom died before my dad. When he got sick it was very stressful for me and my siblings. One sibling completely checked out and wouldn't participate in his care at all. It was a mess.

Please vent away and try to be kind to yourself and your sister.

OP here. I definitely can see how it's stressful. I just had a moment the other night when my mother was going on and on about not seeing us and the kids when I pointed out that she was welcome to help out with the kids anytime because it's sort of an all hands on deck situation. She just sighed and said she was hoping to spend some happier times together. Like, I don't even know what that means? Fun times? She also complains about us not visiting her more, but when I point out what's going on, she just changes the subject.

And yes, she is completely done with him, which is good in a way (because they weren't happy in their marriage).

I think venting does help. I don't want to call my mother selfish because it's her life and she's not married anymore to my father, but I am finding the lack of support for me during this time to really be creating an issue between us.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think I'd be more direct in your situation. As in, "We are unable to visit, because I have this, that, and the other on my plate right now." Basically, help me or shut it with the whining. You sound like a much more patient person than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aging parents are stressful for everyone involved.

Sorry you are going through this. Try to cut your mom some slack. You don't know what went on in their marriage. She sounds completely done with him.

My mom died before my dad. When he got sick it was very stressful for me and my siblings. One sibling completely checked out and wouldn't participate in his care at all. It was a mess.

Please vent away and try to be kind to yourself and your sister.

OP here. I definitely can see how it's stressful. I just had a moment the other night when my mother was going on and on about not seeing us and the kids when I pointed out that she was welcome to help out with the kids anytime because it's sort of an all hands on deck situation. She just sighed and said she was hoping to spend some happier times together. Like, I don't even know what that means? Fun times? She also complains about us not visiting her more, but when I point out what's going on, she just changes the subject.

And yes, she is completely done with him, which is good in a way (because they weren't happy in their marriage).

I think venting does help. I don't want to call my mother selfish because it's her life and she's not married anymore to my father, but I am finding the lack of support for me during this time to really be creating an issue between us.

But she is being selfish. She wants you to put on this big happy production for her benefit. She doesn't have empathy for what you and your family are dealing with right now. It's about what she wants when she wants it and how she wants it--as you posted, she's not interested in giving you any support. It's the very definition of selfishness and lacking empathy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe ask her if she would act the same way if you were dealing with stress caused by caring for your SO's parents. Maybe that will put it in perspective for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

OP here. Actually, I would expect the same thing from my father. Some emotional support at a minimum. And he's been pretty beat up about how his health has added stress to our lives. So, he's not oblivious. And if my mother were sick, I would be doing the same things and would be disappointed if my father was sort of checked out of this crazy, difficult period in my life.

And I'm not asking her to take care of him so much as recognize the situation my sister and I are in and be some sort of support for us. I don't think it's too hard to say I'm so sorry about your father's illness and surgeries, etc. is there anything I can do to help you deal with things?.

[Anonymous]

I think your mom is selfish. I can understand her not wanting to get involved in your dad's care but when you or your sister are busy with your dad, she can offer to help you guys with kids, home etc. If she is the one cruising while all this is happening, she totally lacks empathy for her own kids (forget the husband ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This!This!This!
You have my empathy and I know it is hard, I am an only child of divorced parents and when my now deceased father was sick, it was just me and my Dear, Dear husband taking care of him.
But your mom is not responsible for your dad, she is just not. Imagine that you and your DH were to divorce tomorrow and next week someone tried to tell you that you were partially responsible for him - DA FUQ!! You probably have no real idea of what went on in their marriage and your mom deserves to be free if that is what she wants.
The bottom line is that you are in a tough season of life and caring for an aging parent is hard, and emotionally you need someone to sorta lash out of and focus some of your resentment and your mom is an easy target. Try to re-focus, accept that it is what it is, thank goodness that you have a sister and a husband to help carry the load and perhaps you all can concentrate on how best to get things done and if possible pay for some help.
Best of luck -- praying for your Peace and Wisdom.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked directly to your Mom about this? Not about your Dad but about how YOU are feeling and how you need her support?

If you do (and from now on) I would leave your Dad out of any conversation with her and just say: Hey, can you take the kids on Tuesday for me? Leave it at that and see if that makes her feel more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Your father sounds selfish. You sound selfish. I know way too many women around your mom's age who put themselves LAST their whole lives, and stayed in bad marriages with selfish, rather miserable men, and put their children first. Maybe she's finally thinking of herself, now that she is free. There's a lot you don't know about what she went through and what she gave up, in staying with your father and putting all of you first all these years. Please don't begrudge her.

Your father is no longer her responsibility. It's very, very difficult dealing with an aging, sick parent. Don't put it on your mother. She's done her time.

And I agree that there's a lot of sexism involved in this attitude that women have to be the eternal caretakers.

[Anonymous]

Oh man your mom and mine are the same. I understand. She isn't being a mother to you. Of course she isn't going to care for your father, but she needs to quit whining about not seeing you at the very least. Next tim just say, mom if you want to see us you're going to have to come help us with the overwhelming challenges we are facing.