My husband and I go out about once every two months together. We try to give each other a night off every two weeks. Otherwise it’s all hands on deck. (Two full time jobs with no outside help.)

We have a 7yo and a 4yo. Both DH and I work 40-50 hour weeks. This summer we found a babysitter who we all love so once a week she picks up our kids from afterschool and DH and I have a local date night, home by 7 or so for kids bedtime. Weekends we usually try to trade off to give each other a few hours alone, and we've started letting the kids watch a lot more TV in the morning so we can just chill in bed longer, which also feels like "me" time. Maybe once or twice per month we'll each have something work or social that will keep us out past bedtime.

OP, your dh seems to be asking for a lot. Definitely more than I would be happy with, but more importantly more than you're happy with.

Anonymous wrote:Op, do your jobs matter financially? What does he make and what do you make?

We are both in low six figures. Both jobs matter.

My two are 3 and 2.

Typically, we each get two week nights off per month. So, basically, approximately once a week one of us is not involved in end of day pickups, childcare, dinner prep, dinner, and bedtime.

We also generally divide the weekend up into "quadrants." Basically pre-nap/post-nap Saturday and Sunday. We each try to take one of those off from childcare. So, for example, if you have Saturday morning off, you sleep as late as you want, and then do what ever you want until 3 or so when the first kid is up from nap. The other parent gets the kids in the morning, gets them ready, takes them out somewhere, serves lunch, and puts them down for nap. If you have Saturday evening off, you help put the kids down for nap at 1, and then you're off - go do something fun, go out with friends, hobbies, whatever, and come home whenever you want, while the other parent gets the kids up from nap, serves a snack, entertains them, does baths, dinner, bedtime, and evening chores.

We also swap post-bedtime babysitting on Friday nights with a neighbor so we get out after 8pm together every other week. And we set aside Monday nights as a date night in after bedtime.

Every family will find their own balance, but 2-3 nights sounds super excessive. I think you need to frame this as equal time for both of you, whatever you decide. And if you did it his way, it means you would basically never have time together as a family, and that doesn't feel right to me. Is that what he is advocating for?

I would push back on your "I don’t expect to not be on call between after school and bedtime." He's right about that - I think this is critical, and really makes it feel like a true break and actually restorative (rather than rushing home for bedtime).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So do you get me time on those alternate days?

We are supposed to alternate days. But on his days I was picking up the kids, cooking, and driving them to activities. He would come in a little before 5 to eat the dinner I cooked and put one kid to bed while I took the other one to an activity. The other weeknight that was mine we had marriage counseling.

I was not happy with this and told him we have to change it. He brought up his “needs” for “autonomy” to the counselor so we are bashing it out. However I think this is not normal. Both my parents were always home in the evening unless something unusual was happening. I might have a work dinner once in a while, but I would never expect to eat out several nights a week on my own and do my own thing with young kids.

We used to have more conflict on this and I just gave up trying to explain to him. When our kids were very young, my “me” time was if I had a shower or went to the bathroom alone. He thought it was horrible that he has no time outside the family but it honestly seemed pretty normal to me from talking to other families with our situation. Like if you have a baby and a toddler and someone needs to get a meal on the table and there’s bedtime, that’s all hands on deck. He acted like I was super controlling and ridiculous for “not being able to handle it alone.”

It is too bad he didn’t realize his “needs” before planning for a second child. People with only children can achieve this level of autonomy pretty easily but people with multiple children rarely can.

Anonymous wrote:Op, do your jobs matter financially? What does he make and what do you make?

DP. What does this have to do with the topic at hand?

Op, do your jobs matter financially? What does he make and what do you make?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work and commute is "me time"

I like to stop in a parking lot on the way home.

Is this your spouse? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174155.page

I assume it was a deep cut reference.

I'm pretty low on social needs so not seeing my husband a few nights a week wouldn't really bother me. I love an excuse to have a simple pot of soup or a "girl dinner" spread with my kids and do crafts or games. My husband doesn't like those kids of activities. He coaches their sports and hangs out with them a lot on the weekends and is more involved than my dad ever was and I was happy with my dad's level of involvement as a kid.
I go to a book club, volunteer event, etc. a few times a month where I'm gone for an extended period of time and he never complains. I sometimes do evening workouts, but not for the whole evening/night.
I guess it would depend on the bedtimes of kids. Mine go to sleep around the same time so it's not a big deal to read them stories and get them in bed myself. If there was a baby to be put down with a routine and all that and a toddler who needed to be supervised that would change things. We went out less when they were tiny.

Anonymous wrote:Work and commute is "me time"

I like to stop in a parking lot on the way home.

Is this your spouse? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174155.page