Hi OP, I replied to your old thread. My husband had a long distance (but PA) affair 8ish years ago.

I mean, everything you feel is normal. You have to incorporate this trauma/betrayal into your understanding of your marriage, yourself, your life. It's a lot.

What I see with you and your DH is just a lot of, maybe, nervous energy thrown at being the best reconcilers ever. And mainly I think that's a good thing. You don't want the alternative. But the truth is that there are no short cuts to grief and acceptance. And for your DH, he can't A+ his way out of shame. So I would just caution you two to make sure that you aren't distracting yourselves from anything with your super duper efforts. But overall, I'm glad that your DH is making the effort, even if he sometimes overshoots.

Thanks for the continued updates, OP. Wishing you continued strength and fortitude. Hugs.

Nah. You deserve better OP. I hope you realize that someday.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP but I would be as furious as OP, maybe for a different reason. I truly cannot imagine staying with someone who cheated on me and if I did I'm 100% certain that one condition of our "rebuilding" would be that no one can know that it happened. He can't go around bragging about his growth or whatever to our family, friends, old high school buddies. It's a terrible betrayal to have your spouse cheat. But it's absolutely humiliating to have him tell other people about how he cheated but you're going to stick with him anyway, even if he was telling this other woman for a "sweet" reason (which I have my reservations about).

I don't see it as a bragging and don't think they have anything remotely like your condition on rebuilding. But... it was dumb especially considering it was an ex-gf and he should have talked to OP first. He probably thought he was doing something good and asking for more advise from someone that went through it - a really badly executed plan but coming from good intent. Given it was HS, it likely didn't even occur to him that it was an old gf, just an old friend. I can barely remember any detail from HS relationships - or even care anymore. It doesn't seem like either of them are hiding anything, OP has told friends and family, he has told friends and family. Heck, we are all reading about it here which is only pseudo anonymous. If they were worried about people knowing, they would have kept it to their therapists and themselves completely. Doesn't seem like humiliation is a driver here, more so him being stupid and unthoughtful - not thinking thru what this action is perceived as - which given the history she laid out is one of the root issues they are working on around communication.

Pseudo anonymous?

I’m rooting for you OP. Wherever that ends up, I hope you find the peace and love you deserve.

Anonymous wrote:

DP but I would be as furious as OP, maybe for a different reason. I truly cannot imagine staying with someone who cheated on me and if I did I'm 100% certain that one condition of our "rebuilding" would be that no one can know that it happened. He can't go around bragging about his growth or whatever to our family, friends, old high school buddies. It's a terrible betrayal to have your spouse cheat. But it's absolutely humiliating to have him tell other people about how he cheated but you're going to stick with him anyway, even if he was telling this other woman for a "sweet" reason (which I have my reservations about).

I don't see it as a bragging and don't think they have anything remotely like your condition on rebuilding. But... it was dumb especially considering it was an ex-gf and he should have talked to OP first. He probably thought he was doing something good and asking for more advise from someone that went through it - a really badly executed plan but coming from good intent. Given it was HS, it likely didn't even occur to him that it was an old gf, just an old friend. I can barely remember any detail from HS relationships - or even care anymore. It doesn't seem like either of them are hiding anything, OP has told friends and family, he has told friends and family. Heck, we are all reading about it here which is only pseudo anonymous. If they were worried about people knowing, they would have kept it to their therapists and themselves completely. Doesn't seem like humiliation is a driver here, more so him being stupid and unthoughtful - not thinking thru what this action is perceived as - which given the history she laid out is one of the root issues they are working on around communication.

Thanks for updating, OP. I give you both lots of props for doing the hard work of working on your marriage.

I'll say: it seems like he has a lot more work to do than you. You deserve someone you can trust so if you ultimately "peace out" because you can't trust him, I would 100% respect that.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your voice is so clear in your writing and it's obvious that you are self-aware. Everything you are feeling is so normal. I know you have heard this, but it really does take 2-5 years to heal from cheating - unfortunately, you just can't rush this processing period. It does sound like your DH is one of the "model" recovering wayward spouses. Especially for a man (as gender-stereotyped as that is), I am impressed with how well he is exploring his emotions and anticipating yours. The fact that he reached out to your best friend to apologize and did not tell you about it to win points, etc. really speaks volumes about where he is at in therapy and realizing how to help you heal. I have been following your story since the beginning and hope you to continue to update, and I hope your updates continue to chart a successful path to a really strong marriage.

+1

thanks for the update, op.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is this you? Just linking for those who may not be familiar. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103665.page

I don’t understand why she didn’t just update the original post. So annoying when people start a new thread, rather than just updating their old thread. I had no idea who she was talking about.

Op here. I tried, but it was locked/no more comments.

I think I posted on your other thread, I'm a WS who reconciled and helps others on another website that are in my position. The HS GF thing is not good. There have been many instances on my website where two people start PMing each other to help each other, and it grows and takes on a life of its own as an EA. One of them exploded in real time on a thread when the man started saying "she's crazy" and she started saying "you said you'd leave for me." Anyway, when I started on that site, I made a promise to myself that I would not PM a man. So if I had a question or comment I always posted in a thread that everyone could see, and my H could see if he wanted to.

For those saying "he can talk to whoever he wants," yes, of course he can. That's not the point. The point is that transparency after breaking trust is a big step toward healing. And OP's H wasn't transparent, despite him wanting help. Because even that can sometimes turn the wrong way (like my above story).

You don't have to make a decision now on how you want to move forward, just like you didn't four months ago. You are gathering facts and working through them in order to make the best choice for yourself and your family. Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:OP is this you? Just linking for those who may not be familiar. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103665.page

I don’t understand why she didn’t just update the original post. So annoying when people start a new thread, rather than just updating their old thread. I had no idea who she was talking about.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your voice is so clear in your writing and it's obvious that you are self-aware. Everything you are feeling is so normal. I know you have heard this, but it really does take 2-5 years to heal from cheating - unfortunately, you just can't rush this processing period. It does sound like your DH is one of the "model" recovering wayward spouses. Especially for a man (as gender-stereotyped as that is), I am impressed with how well he is exploring his emotions and anticipating yours. The fact that he reached out to your best friend to apologize and did not tell you about it to win points, etc. really speaks volumes about where he is at in therapy and realizing how to help you heal. I have been following your story since the beginning and hope you to continue to update, and I hope your updates continue to chart a successful path to a really strong marriage.

I agree. I’be been so impressed with OP and the latest update on the huge communication improvements by her DH seem really positive. I’m still rooting for this marriage to survive and be even better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for your update. I truly wish you the best.

Also, and please understand I am not criticizing you here - you are allowed to feel however you want to feel about all of this - I read the part about him contacting his high school girlfriend as actually kind of sweet because of what he was seeking from her. I guess being 44 the thought of a high school girlfriend/boyfriend means nothing to me now and perhaps it's different for you because you're younger and also because you live in a smaller town and also perhaps because this was the girlfriend right before you? But anyway, while he should have said something to you before discussing your issues with his high school girlfriend, I guess I would urge you to try to let that go for the sake of trying to move on from all of this. I totally understand how a sliver after losing a limb can still hurt, but perhaps screaming about this into the sky and then leaving it behind you so you an focus on the more important things would be best.

Hugs.

I 100% agree with this. I get that he was communicating with a woman that you were not aware of, but given the facts as you describe them, I would NOT put this action under "the ugly" at all.

+1

I didn’t see it negatively at all. He should be allowed to talk to whoever about whatever. OP’s reaction won’t help with his avoidance. Ultimately, I get the impression that this can’t be saved.

OP, your voice is so clear in your writing and it's obvious that you are self-aware. Everything you are feeling is so normal. I know you have heard this, but it really does take 2-5 years to heal from cheating - unfortunately, you just can't rush this processing period. It does sound like your DH is one of the "model" recovering wayward spouses. Especially for a man (as gender-stereotyped as that is), I am impressed with how well he is exploring his emotions and anticipating yours. The fact that he reached out to your best friend to apologize and did not tell you about it to win points, etc. really speaks volumes about where he is at in therapy and realizing how to help you heal. I have been following your story since the beginning and hope you to continue to update, and I hope your updates continue to chart a successful path to a really strong marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for your update. I truly wish you the best.

Also, and please understand I am not criticizing you here - you are allowed to feel however you want to feel about all of this - I read the part about him contacting his high school girlfriend as actually kind of sweet because of what he was seeking from her. I guess being 44 the thought of a high school girlfriend/boyfriend means nothing to me now and perhaps it's different for you because you're younger and also because you live in a smaller town and also perhaps because this was the girlfriend right before you? But anyway, while he should have said something to you before discussing your issues with his high school girlfriend, I guess I would urge you to try to let that go for the sake of trying to move on from all of this. I totally understand how a sliver after losing a limb can still hurt, but perhaps screaming about this into the sky and then leaving it behind you so you an focus on the more important things would be best.

Hugs.

I 100% agree with this. I get that he was communicating with a woman that you were not aware of, but given the facts as you describe them, I would NOT put this action under "the ugly" at all.

I totally disagree. She had to find out about it the same way she found out about the affair -- seeing a message on his phone. And if it was all so innocent, why didn't he talk to OP about it before getting in touch?