Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

Bull. I went to a huge state university, and made friends immediately. But this is back in the 80s, before today's helicopter mommies.

I was in a sorority, a fraternity little sister, honor societies and the school newspaper.

And I'm sort of a plain Jane, but I found it easy to connect with people at college.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but .....Hooray for you, I guess. OK, you had a great time in college. Applause. Now, got anything to add that's positive, constructive advice for the OP's niece, or are you just here to humblebrag about your wonderful facility for friendships? And (in the bold) to drop a little bashing on others' parenting, which is irrelevant to OP's niece and OP's question?

Thank you!! It is NOT helicoptering to want to ensure our kids make friends and mental health doesn't deteriorate. The first 2-3 weeks of college are key. Once others start making friends/form groups it can be extremely difficult for a shy/introverted/anxious person to break into a group, leaving them more isolated. And then things can spiral downward. I just left my introverted kid on a small campus and the first week was extremely challenging. Anxiety really peaks for shy/introverted kids (as well as most kids). They need our encouragement to get out there and make friends. Many of them were doing school from home for a full 1.5-years. Things were not normal their senior year either. So they have not interacted as much in the last 2.5 years with "strangers"/new people as a 15-18 yo typically would. Even without that, some kids are introverted/anxious and it's challenging to go to a new place, meet new people and be on your own. No matter how excited you are, it can be challenging. So yeah, I'm gonna stay on top of it and make sure my kid is reminded to put themselves out there, that friends from home call to encourage them (but that the calls are not constant and dont distract from being social), because their mental health matters. I will help them develop/find the tools they need to succeed---not do it for them, just talk them thru it and provide support. Without it everything will spiral downward, sometimes quite quickly and it can be difficult to recover from.

3 weeks in my own kid is making friends (at their own pace---they have always valued quality over quantity), socializing, and seems much happier than drop-off. One parent just visited this weekend (3K miles away---quick check in for the parent who didn't attend drop off). People in the dorm know them and they introduced parent to people they saw (that rarely happens, so a huge difference/maturing). They are doing well and seem to have adjusted and are enjoying classes.

But being there for our kids is NOT helicoptering. Supporting our kids is what parents do. We don't just drop them off and say see you in November, call if you need anything. We check in on them, still want to hear about their day/week and what new things they have gotten involved in. We let them lead the way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately this is the generation of mom lead play dates and activities. Kids didn’t have to make friends cause mom organized it for you. They just have to learn to make friends the old fashion way. We all did it and survived.

We may have grown up in the same generation, but I also learned that "if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it at all."

Come on, a lot of these "mom lead" playdates were extinct by middle school. There are some kids who are quiet (read the book) and may need suggestions on how to handle these kinds of new situations, which one may find both overwhelming and exhausting (at risk, then, to be reinforcing). Hey, my extrovert daughter is struggling in the early weeks of college. It can be hard.

A shout out to the aunt for caring about her niece and trying to be of help.

Agree. In addition to being unnecessarily critical, PP is way overthinking it and making assumptions. Why do people have to be like that? Add something helpful or scroll on. It's not hard.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the suggestions! Unfortunately, her school has all the dining in what seem to be two central locations. So it's not like in the "old days" when you had a cafeteria in your dorm and would see hallmates there over breakfast every morning. The school basically has a bunch of fast food options in two food courtyards. So to eat together, you have to walk across campus and then happen to choose the same food. One person might want Chic-Fil-A and the other is getting something from Bojangles in the other building's food courtyard. I'd definitely warn kids away from schools that have this set up, along with schools that have suites instead of doors on a hallway. This really doesn't support the building of a sense of community for people who aren't social butterflies.

That is why my kid quickly dismissed large schools. She knew she needed something smaller. As it is, she has 2 central dining halls (meal swipes) and 2-3 other spots to use Dining dollars for meals. I got her the unlimited meal swipes. However, she prefers the food at the Dining dollar place (picky eater, not likely to eat at the regular dining halls---happy to pay whatever she needs to just eat). But I told her you still go to meals with your roommate/floormates, even if you just have fries/cookies/ice cream/whatever. The socialization is key, as meals are when lots of friendships are made or forged deeper, so eating alone will not help. Then you grab what you really want to eat later and if by yourself, as to sit with a small group or someone alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

Bull. I went to a huge state university, and made friends immediately. But this is back in the 80s, before today's helicopter mommies.

I was in a sorority, a fraternity little sister, honor societies and the school newspaper.

And I'm sort of a plain Jane, but I found it easy to connect with people at college.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but .....Hooray for you, I guess. OK, you had a great time in college. Applause. Now, got anything to add that's positive, constructive advice for the OP's niece, or are you just here to humblebrag about your wonderful facility for friendships? And (in the bold) to drop a little bashing on others' parenting, which is irrelevant to OP's niece and OP's question?

Anonymous wrote:(1) You go to meals with your roommate. Or you knock on doors and say, "I'm headed to the dining hall, anyone want to join me?"
(2) You get to the dining hall and see people sitting at a table who look like they just got there and say, "mind if I sit here?" and they say, "Sure," and you sit down.
(3) You join one of the 18 bazillion clubs, rec sports teams, or student organizations that exist on big campuses.

This^^^
Also add: 4) you do things that normally wouldn't interest you (Ie. my kid is attending sporting events, playing basketball---she's never done that, hated PE and regular sports except gymnastics and dance. Yet she is at the gym 3-4/wk doing it with her roommate/floormates) just anything so you are with people> and when you are with people you need to be actively "faking it until you make it", so talking and participating. Who knows, you might find new things you like, and as a bonus you meet people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our friend’s DC started off like this. Then she joined a club sport. They barely saw her for the rest of the year, except when she needed a ride to games. Your niece need to make the rounds of clubs and she will find her people. Does she have any interests?

Yes. Clubs clubs clubs. On a big campus, there must be so many clubs. Hobbies, music grouos, theatre, sports, politics, faith, service. What about getting involved with a service organization? Many campuses have a Habitat for Humanity group or something like it. Nothing like working together to get to know people.

Mine is at a medium school and slow to connect too. She has made a couple friends through orientation activities and is meeting more people through theatre and faith group. I keep reminding her to make an effort to connect. It takes a lot for these quiet ones. All the best to yours.

+1

OP, the way to find some real friends, or at least good acquaintances you can start to feel confident with, is through shared interests and activities. Roommates and classmates might or might not have something in common with you, but students who have chosen a particular activity or group to join are already showing they have that interest/activity in common with you when YOU join it. Friendships based on common interests beat ones based solely on proximity of being in the same dorm. Urge her to find something to join and then to commit to going and to keeping on with it long enough to feel she's really engaged with it. She should join based on her real interests, not on joining just for the sake of finding friends. Interest first, the rest can follow.

Also, OP, there's been too much emphasis on eating together in this thread earlier. Roommates don't necessarily go eat dinner together all the time, maybe not at all -- Roommates can have totally different class schedules etc. that mean they don't see each other except at night. And some students rarely go near a dining hall, or only grab takeout from colleges' small takeout spots (my DD's small campus has several little places that are solely grab-and-go food, as well as the big dining hall). I would not over-talk with her the idea that she should be focusing on mealtimes as social times, or it could create more stress for her around meals.

One thing you said in an earlier post concerns me. You said that kids from her high school are at her university and it's creating issues. What issues? Is she actually in some of her classes with kids who were at her HS, and that makes her...nervous, or upset? Are these huge lecture classes, so maybe she's overthinking it and doesn't realize they likely barely know she's there? Is she saying they're trying to interact with her otherwise? I'm a bit confused about these other kids. And I honestly wonder if those kids really are the issue, or if your niece is perhaps focusing too much on the fact they're present on campus, when they might have nothing to do with her at all.

But the best remedy is for her to join a couple of things so she has weekend activities every weekend to look forward to, and is engaging in something that is meaningful to her. Please update us! I feel for her. You're a good aunt to care and to want to help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately this is the generation of mom lead play dates and activities. Kids didn’t have to make friends cause mom organized it for you. They just have to learn to make friends the old fashion way. We all did it and survived.

We may have grown up in the same generation, but I also learned that "if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it at all."

Come on, a lot of these "mom lead" playdates were extinct by middle school. There are some kids who are quiet (read the book) and may need suggestions on how to handle these kinds of new situations, which one may find both overwhelming and exhausting (at risk, then, to be reinforcing). Hey, my extrovert daughter is struggling in the early weeks of college. It can be hard.

A shout out to the aunt for caring about her niece and trying to be of help.

DP. But PP makes a fair point. How does a kid suddenly know how to make friends on their own starting in middle school when their mom has been engineering their social life for years? The outgoing kids will figure it out but not the rest of them, at least not without a bit of practice. For a generation of kids who have numerous ways to meet people and stay connected through "social" media, they can be surprisingly inept at actual social interactions.

But you are right in that MANY kids experience an adjustment period in the first weeks of college, whether they are extroverted or introverted, and regardless of their generation.

It's really not different at a small school--you still have to put yourself out there and have the awkward first conversations. People aren't any more likely to come up to you.

I agree that this generation of kids is REALLY socially stunted. Between helicopter parenting, the pandemic and social media there are tons of kids who have really never learned to be interact with peers.

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately this is the generation of mom lead play dates and activities. Kids didn’t have to make friends cause mom organized it for you. They just have to learn to make friends the old fashion way. We all did it and survived.

We may have grown up in the same generation, but I also learned that "if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it at all."

Come on, a lot of these "mom lead" playdates were extinct by middle school. There are some kids who are quiet (read the book) and may need suggestions on how to handle these kinds of new situations, which one may find both overwhelming and exhausting (at risk, then, to be reinforcing). Hey, my extrovert daughter is struggling in the early weeks of college. It can be hard.

A shout out to the aunt for caring about her niece and trying to be of help.

Anonymous wrote:Time to join a sorority, I guess.

This IS why people join sororities, to make a big school smaller.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't she have a roommate?

I totally hated my roommate, who was a complete dud. I think the only reason she was assigned to me was we came from the same home state.

DP. I hear you, but it might be someone to go over to the dining hall with at least. I went in blind as well, and I wasn't sure about my roommate for like the first 2 months of school. She was nice enough but kind of quiet and it didn't seem like we had a lot in common (I'm on the quiet side too but somehow she was even more so). That forced me to get out of my shell and meet others.

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't she have a roommate?

I totally hated my roommate, who was a complete dud. I think the only reason she was assigned to me was we came from the same home state.

She just needs to push herself. It's not on a college to help an 18 yr old make friends. At a certain point (like when they leave home to go away to college) they have to make their own friends.

She can also just walk up to a kid at a dining hall sitting alone and say "Hey, can I sit here?" and then ask which dorm they're in, what their fave class is, share hers, etc. She really needs to push herself. It's not on other people to make friends for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

Bull. I went to a huge state university, and made friends immediately. But this is back in the 80s, before today's helicopter mommies.

I was in a sorority, a fraternity little sister, honor societies and the school newspaper.

And I'm sort of a plain Jane, but I found it easy to connect with people at college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college.

You can have the exact same problem at a small private school.

An example just today - "she says she can't find her people".

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1081654.page